Monday, 30 July 2012

Follow up Feelings.

As the things start to slow down and the dust settles...

"One reason is that you feel threatened. Though Cancer is no longer an immediate danger, it might still feel close by. You may be experiencing feelings of helplessness. During treatment, you and your medical team are busy doing something about the cancer. But when you reach the end of your active treatment phase, even though its obviously what you have been looking for, you can end up feeling lost, even helpless."

Having had my parting words with Cancer - I now am left to pick myself up, dust off my knees and start again.

Others expectations - Expecting you to spring back to life and just go back to normal. Frustrating.

Coming to terms with my new Cancer free status has almost been harder to come to terms with than it was coming to terms with being diagnosed in the first place.

What do I do with myself? Getting used to not having a weight weighing me down is harder than I thought. It still doesn't feel real. 

I just feel a little lost. Its almost like life is overwhelming.

When I get in a rut that I dont understand I research and I search for answers.
Its something I started doing when I got diagnosed.

I have read a few articles and like I always say, its just good to know Im not just being silly and I am not alone in the way I feel.

Going back to normal.....
What is normal?

I have decided to create my own normal.

Changing the way I eat. What I do with my time. Who I spend my time with. My sources of support and Inspiration. My Career.

I had my follow up appointment with Kate last Monday.

I rocked up to my appointment with my Mum, Cam and a list of questions firmly in my hand.

Mum and I started making the list as I neared the end of my treatment, so we wouldn't forget to ask anything.

These questions varied from whether Genetic testing would be worthwhile (my Mum had Lung Cancer near the same age as me) to when I should expect my period to come back. There was about 10 questions and Kate answered them all and put our minds at ease.

In regards to the Genetic testing - there would be no connection to our cancers. We originally wondered if there could be some connection and thought it could be beneficial for the sake of my brother and for my future children. It was good to know that there would be no connection and it was just a strange coincidence rather than something genetic.

So what happens from here??

I have 3 monthly check ups for 2 years. Then 6 monthly check ups till its been 5 years and then once a year from then on. A check up would involve a blood test. No scans. They try to limit the amount of scans you have because having them all the time is not ideal.

We left Kates office with our questions answered. I felt like I should have done something for Kate. She has just been so amazing through out everything and said to me before I left that if I ever feel like something could be wrong or I am ever unsure about anything - that I just need to give her a call. Made me feel at ease. What do you do for someone who has helped you through one of the hardest things you could go through?

We got into the lift to leave and I felt so weird.

I just cant explain how it feels. Yes - I am happy that its over as such but at the same time I wanted to clamber back into Kates office and say "Are you sure its all over??!!" or "Shall we just check one last time??!!"

Snap out of it. I say to myself. Get a grip.

But its hard.

It almost felt like the ending of it all seemed to easy. I was almost waiting for the catch.

But there isn't one.

I have decided to take each day as it comes.

I will spend time outside as much as possible.

I will accept the bad days I may experience.

I am going to be patient.

I am not going to dwell on what has happened.

The biggest thing I am taking away from this, is that I have learnt two things.

What is important to me. and Who I am.

I know myself now. I know what I am capable of.

If I can do this - Then I really can do anything.

Such insight and knowledge is stored away and I know that it will be useful in all aspects of my life.

They say things are sent to try you. And this most certainly has.

Now I need to work out what I want to do.

Life is in my hands and I am going to make the most of it.

{ I beat cancer. Yes. and its slowly sinking in. }

I am loving doing the Calendar.

Meeting so many amazing people.

Its keeping me busy. and keeping a smile on my face.



  1. You inspire me honey! One day at a time is a good motto in general. It helps us live in the moments we create for ourselves xxx

  2. Does it help that I still feel like that sometimes? Not all the time but it hits me every so often. I understand entirely what you are feeling. Its important that you are recognising it and processing it. Keep on honey. xx