Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Hovering under the radar.

2 weeks since my last Chemo treatment. If I was still having treatment I would have been there today.

To say that the last couple of weeks have been surreal would be an understatement.

I am asked often by people, "How do you feel now that you have finished treatment?"........The honest truth is I feel nothing. Numb.
I feel terrible that Im not jumping for joy and sharing others excitement for me. I just dont know how I feel. Its like a feeling of being out of sorts but Im not grumpy or sad. I would almost go as far as saying that its an out of body experience. I dont feel present while the past six months catch up on me a little. I just sit stunned.

Its not how I imagined it would feel. Its just such an awkward stage for my family and I at the moment.

Im certainly not ready to fly the coop and comfort of my Nurse. I have been able to see a lot more of her than I usually would if I was still having treatment because unfortunately there was a wee hiccup with my last treatment. I managed to get a decent chemo burn during the last treatment. I had one before but not this bad. Chemo burn happens when the drugs manage to leak from your vein or IV and go under the skin. It wasn't very pleasant for the first couple of days and had my Nurse worried. As usual I was taken very good care of and its much better now. I still have it covered and have to get it checked again next week. I can see that I may end up with a bit of a scar from it. Isn't it typical for it to happen during my last chemo treatment!!?? Haha what can you do!

Last week I felt amazing after a weekend of feeling less than average. I was writing lists here, there and everywhere of things I needed to get done and they got done! I loved the feeling of feeling good. I thought to myself that the next few weeks until my scan are going to be amazing and being able to do what I want without having any interruptions is going to be bliss.

Monday morning I hit a wall. Mentally something was bugging me and I still cant put my finger on it. There have been things that bother me. I have been introduced to people over the last couple of weeks and the Cancer thing comes up and I dont know what to say. Do I say I have Cancer?.... because I dont know if I do anymore. I think I am just a little touchy about the subject of the scan and its not how I want to be. Its not how I imagined I would be. I have been so open throughout everything. Why is the scan bothering me so much!?  The battle of thinking does everything just go back to normal!? Am I meant to just pick up where I left off before all this happened!?

The answer is: No. I cant. I need to process everything that has happened. I think its also hard because having treatment meant that each fortnight you were working towards something, something that was making you better. Now I am in limbo. Waiting. Waiting and hoping to hear the words we have all been working so hard towards.

My eyes are heavy constantly. I feel like all I do is sleep but at 7:30pm every night I feel like its bedtime! I have been making a conscious effort to get out and go for a walk every second day just to keep myself active. My energy levels have not been the best this week. Its like Im a different person compared to last week.  I have slept like a baby during the night (last night is an exception - Damn Earthquakes.)

I think I am just a little mixed up inside. I am ok. Just not myself. I know that this will be the case until we know whats going on inside me. I am excited for the scan still. I am going to try and see if I can have a look at my scan straight after its happened but I doubt they will let me see and even if they did, I probably wont be able to tell whats meant to be there and whats not. Oh the anticipation is killer.

I am slowly picking up work - Aware not to overdo it. Im also still working on the Calendar which is coming along nicely.

I  have become quite a list person. I do recall that I used lists before I was diagnosed but only when packing for a holiday etc. Not for every day life.....The other day I wrote a list on a Friday and I actually wrote a note to myself to 'Prepare for Saturday.' It made me laugh.
I have to share this blog that has put a smile on my face and made me feel better about my list writing. Its a blog of lists. I know that this is going to appeal to a lot of people. You can thank me later. You can find the blog here.

I figure I counted down my chemo treatments - Its seems only right to countdown the days until my Scan.

13 days.

For the next 13 days I am going to hover under the radar with my family as we prepare for a doctors visit that we have been longing for.

Until next time. A.x

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