Treatment Pyramid. Chemo { Round Two }

"Right Andrea, I need to ask you the usual before we start. Whats your full name and Date of birth?" 
"Andrea Leah Seymour. Twenty fourth of the the Third, Nineteen Ninety."
"Oh! Sweetie.......you're just a baby!!."

My Treatment pyramid.
Starting at the top and working my way down.


10. 10 more treatments to go. I cant wait for that number to be single digits and even more so, when its a big fat 0!! I have to be honest (when am I ever not!!??) and say that this treatment was a lot harder to deal with and has given me a bit of a wake up call as to what I could be in for. It has been 4 days since my second round and I am only just coming right.

Ice cube tray. Ice. Ice Cream. Ice blocks. Anything Ice related has been my best friend over the last few days. I have tried thinking of a way to describe how my mouth feels as the chemo treatment begins to take its toll. My tongue feels like I have had to many lollipops and the taste buds are wrecked. The beginnings of Ulcers surround my mouth and my Esophagus and my sense of taste has been altered by a lingering chemical taste. I almost lost my appetite because of the discomfort yesterday. It was at its worse yesterday. When they told me that I could have some problems with my mouth, I never imagined such a feeling. It sucks!!! I have accepted the fact that I will most likely turn into a lard arse because of the amount of Ice cream I will be eating for the duration of my treatment haha but really I shouldn't complain. When else can you have an excuse for eating so much Ice cream!!?? I am drinking a lot of fluid as well because keeping my mouth moist is key! I have started drinking through a straw as well to help my with the pain in my tongue. All these little things we are picking up quickly are definitely important so I know for next time round....WOO!!

Groggy. Like a hangover. Except I almost wish it was a Hangover. At least when you sleep a few hours, the hangover eases and you feel better. The feeling after chemo is like a hangover that lasts for a few days. I have also found that I am a little dazed at times. I noticed this with the first treatment. I had a photo shoot two days after receiving my first round of chemo and while I felt fine, I definitely wasn't. I drove up the drive after doing the Photo shoot and I couldn't remember how I got home and parts of the photo shoot were a little hazy.......I am happy to say the Photos were great haha but this is when I decided that I wont be driving for a few days following treatment....I hope its something my body overcomes. With everything, I hope its something I will just get used to. Time will tell.

FRENCH FRIES! Good God. They were already a guilty pleasure of mine but I have been having the biggest cravings for french fries/anything salty. Its funny because they say to help with the mouth pain, you should avoid salty foods BUT ITS ALL I WANT!! I was having a nap (Pretty sure I am in a constant nap state) and I woke suddenly and my brain screamed at me that I NEEDED a Spicy Tender crisp Chicken Burger combo from BK. So I hauled Cam away from what he was doing and made him drive me to get the combo, to which I then basically inhaled! It was the best burger I have EVER had and I was most content for the rest of the day. I tell ya, between the Ice cream eating and burger + fry cravings I am going to be a little on the heavier side. I probably could do with a bit of weight gain. My Nurse has made it clear that if I have problems with Nausea/vomiting + constipation following treatment, I am to tell her straight away because I cant afford to lose anymore weight. So I will continue to eat exactly what I want :)

Bald. No I am not Bald. But my hair loss has been topic of conversation over the last couple of days as I try to convince people that the amount that I am losing is not normal. My hair has always fallen out. Always. But its not normal for the bathroom floor to be covered in hair and when I shower, I run my fingers through my hair and my hand is covered in hair. I do think that my hair is thinning and if it continues to do so, I am going to have to do something about it. For now, I am going to wait and just see what happens. I did think for a while that its all in my head but I am not convinced.....It doesn't worry me if it is happening. Its just an annoying in-between as I hover waiting to see if its going to continue or not. I have also noticed my skin is really dry - especially my hands and nails. My nails are chipping and peeling so I am keeping them painted :)

Dentures. It was the closest thing to teeth that I could find haha. This block sort of ties in with the Ice cube tray block and the mouth discomfort. I now own a soft bristle tooth brush and I am having to brush my teeth after almost every meal to help with the chemical taste. It is slowly fading but I am such a dental hygiene freak and I cant stand that thought of having bad breath because of the chemical taste. I have to brush my teeth very carefully and slowly because my gums hurt. I am also thinking that I might hunt down a more natural tooth paste because the one we use now burns a little when I use it.

Sounds like I have spent the entire blog complaining about everything. But really its reality and what I have had to deal with. I havent been much fun to be around lately and I cant wait to treat Cam to a holiday away once this is all over. We have really enjoyed talking about where we would like to go once its all over. I cant wait. People have mentioned that I should open up an account for people to donate to that could go towards our holiday. I am not sure how I feel about it just yet.....but I will let you know what happens with that. While I would obviously be truly grateful, I just dont know how I would feel taking other peoples money..... We will see.....

After a CRAZY month (January,) I have been taking the first week of February easy and I have to say its exactly what I needed. I have also made some decisions with work as well. I will only be doing Photo shoots on the weeks that I dont have chemo, leaving the week of Chemo for me to do editing etc. So two weeks a month where I will actually be available to work. I definitely think its for the best and is a manageable goal for me with how the treatments have been going!

On Thursday I had my Mum and my brother with me. Mum stayed to hold my hand for the needle part, for which my beautiful Brother disappeared for haha. He hates needles and hospitals for that matter so him being there was just so awesome. We talked about all sorts and even considered writing a rap about Chemo.......Not much else to do.....! I had a good seat this time and was one of the first people there. I sat right at the back of the room so I could see everyone....Its the little things that make a chemo treatment ok to deal with haha Next week is the look good feel good workshop and I cant wait to blog about that. Its going to be awesome.

I know a lot of people read this that I might not know very well or at all, so I want to tak the time to Thank you for your support. With each treatment my Mum is simply overwhelmed by the messages she receives from people. Its important that those close to me continue to get such messages. That goes for both my family and Cam's Family, who Cam and I live with. Theres only so many times I can thank them for what they do, so to have people like yourselves reminding them each day that they aren't alone through this is something that they and something that I will never forget.  So to the Friends, the family and the strangers, I send all the love and thanks from the bottom of my heart. You are wonderful people.


With a constant supply of straws, juices, kiwi crush and kitten cuddles, I draw this blog post to a close. Thank you for taking the time to read my rants. You want honesty - You get honesty haha. The next one will be all about how great I feel after the workshop. Something to look forward too :)
Its a good day to have a good day!
A.x

Chemo { Round One }

Yesterday was a day that felt like it went in Slow Motion. I got up early, showered and got dressed and even managed to eat some breakfast! I was quite impressed with myself. I had been quietly (or maybe not so quietly) nervous for the couple of days leading up to Wednesday and it felt so strange walking into the hospital knowing that I was going in there to start Chemo.

Level 3, Day stay unit, 10:00am.

I walked into the room and there was about 11 other people in the room having chemo also. They were all older than me. I was definitely the youngest person there. A lady next to me, who was having her THIRD try at chemo said that I was too young to be there. The one time I thought "I am too young to be going through this", I thought What age is it ok to go through Cancer!!?? No one should have to and if young children, who dont even know what Cancer is can go through Chemo, then we can suck it up and deal with it. I was placed in a chair right in the middle of everyone....haha the newbie!! There was about two other people there that having the same chemo as me. 

One lady arrived with an entourage of people and made a bit of a scene.....She refused to sit in the middle of the room because she didn't want everyone looking at her.....I didn't take it personally haha 

My support nurse was away and so I had different Nurses looking after me. I sat and waited for a while. I didn't like staring too much at people but it was hard not to. You could tell some were Chemo Pros and had been in the game for a while. No body looked REALLY sick though which was a relief....I am a shocker at staring. It drives Cam up the wall haha I dont even know that I do it. It will get me into trouble one day. Im just intrigued by people and a little bit nosey... 

The nurse came over and took my hands and asked if I was warm. I almost always have cold hands, no matter what the temperature. So off to toilet I had to go to sit by the basin and warm my hands up. Once this was done and my veins were nice and puffy, it was time to have the needle inserted into my hand. I have NO problems with needles or injections until it comes time to having something inserted into my hand and if I was going to be completely honest, it was the one thing that I was most nervous about!!! Sounds a little silly. The first time the nurse tried, the vein "blew back" so it was a no go. She managed to get it into my right hand. Once this was done I relaxed. I had my Mummy there holding my hand which definitely helped :) It was go time. As the saline was flushed through my body my arm became really cold and they had a never ending supply of hottie bottles coming my way to place on top of my arm.

I have four Chemo drugs that are given to me for my treatment. The first is put through by the nurse and is a red colour and I was told to not be surprised if my urine became red. I kept expecting to feel sick or different as the drugs circulated my system but i didn't feel anything. I said to my Mum that it felt so strange to think that the drugs were in me and were starting the job of killing the Cancer cells. It felt like such an achievement. Once the red drug was put through, I had a little more saline and then the next chemo drug was administered by my nurse. This drug is the one that could make me constipated! WOO HOO!!! Again I waited for a change in the way I was feeling but nothing changed. The third and fourth drug are just dripped through me.

Each of us have a machine on wheels. I think they gave me the dud one because every time I went to the toilet (which is like every 5 seconds!) I really struggled driving it. Almost tipped it over twice. A few people made comments that I need L plates...Did make chuckle and I am tempted to take some L plates next time I go.

The third drug hurt as it entered my body. A weird stingy/throbbing pain. I did get used to it and the heat from the hottie bottles helped. So there was nothing to do but wait. The very first time I went to the toilet after the chemo started, my urine had already turned a red tinge but since then I am pleased to say it has gone back to normal. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. Slowly the room filled with beeping sounds as people's chemo treatments finished or they needed their next drug. I flinched every time there was a beep.....No body else even battered an eye lid.

People started to leave and new people came in and took their place. Was a little bit shocking for me as a first timer seeing how many people go through a day. I hope to become friends with some. I have already eyed up a couple of ladies who were so lovely to me that I think I will become friends with. The talk between the ladies was the 'Look Good Feel Better' Workshop that the Cancer society does for ladies that are going through chemo. We were all filling out our registration forms together and getting quite excited :) The workshop is a fun event, that is designed to boost our self esteem. The volunteers go through skin care regimes and give guidance on how to apply cosmetics. They talk about hair loss, loss of eyebrows, eye lashes, skin colour fluctuations and other side effects of some treatments. They talk about wearing wigs, turbans and scarves as well. Its basically just a wee treat for us and a good way for us to meet each other and I really cant wait for it!!

I was talking to my Nurse about Hair loss and she has said that I might not lose my hair with the dose I am receiving!! She has said that some people who are having the same treatment as me lost no hair but others hair thinned out. She said if it starts thinning, that I should just shave it. So I am going to just wait and see how things go after a couple of treatments. Every time I see a stray hair on my pillow or in the basin I have a little freak out haha and then I run my hands through my hair to see if its happening. Pretty ridiculous really. It probably wouldn't happen that quickly as I am only into day two of my cancer treatment.

My Brother Kris and his beautiful Girlfriend Hannah joined us in the Chemo room and I was so surprised to see him. He is not a fan of hospitals but it was so nice to have them there with me as my first treatment drew to a close. My machine beeped and my treatment was done. I didn't feel any different, just a little tired. About 200mls of Saline was pumped through to finish it off and then I was good to go. As my nurse pulled out the needle from my arm she said that I "had to go home and practice being a princess." She was so sweet. I went to the loo one last time and then we all headed for some ice cream.

I HAD to wear sunnies because even before leaving the hospital, I was finding that I was extremely light sensitive. I sat and ate my heart out and was so stoked that I felt so good. I went back to my Mums and between leaving town and getting to my Mums house in Stoke, I started to feel a little groggy. I lay on the couch and before I knew it, I was asleep.

I woke to a major headache and achy body and eyes. I had to get all the curtains shut because my eyes hurt so much. I just felt like drinking a heap of water and I was going to the toilet every 5 seconds. I definitely was not feeling the best. I went back to sleep and waited for Cam to pick me up. When he got to me I was at my worst. Take the flu/head cold and times it by ten and thats how I was feeling. I was actually feeling hungry though which I was surprised about. We got home and I got straight to bed. The polariods in this blog were taken when I was feeling my worst. Cam made me tea and I ate it with no problems. I stayed in bed for the rest of the evening and night. I didn't sleep very well last night, which the nurse told me to expect. I wasn't feeling rank, I just couldn't sleep.

This morning I woke feeling a little queasy but I was able to start my anti-nausea meds and I felt much better since. I spent the morning in Bed but have actually been good this afternoon. Prepared for a Photo shoot I have tomorrow and did little things around the house. I guess I now wait to see what other side effects I get. Would be stoked if that was it! I can handle what happened. I was expecting to feel so much worse.

With a bottle of water by my side at all times and Kiwi Crush in the freezer I am prepared for how I will be feeling following treatments. This is when I thank you all for your messages. Such lovely things have been said to me and I really appreciate it all. I have amazing Family and an incredible Boyfriend who I know this has been the hardest for and they are taking such good care of me. I am off to Duncan Bay in the Sounds with the Family and my good friend Stacey this weekend for a little relaxing get away which I am really looking forward to. No cell phone reception for a couple of days sounds like bliss! Kayaking and eating it is! Take care of one another and enjoy this beautiful weather we are having! Lots of love. A.x

A week to Remember.

I have an abundance of memories from the last week. Probably the most emotional and hectic week to date.

I left early Saturday (7th) morning to Picton to Catch a boat to Furneaux Lodge to Photograph a Wedding. It was awesome to be a part of and such an amazing location. The weather held off for the day but when we woke the next day there was a storm brewing!! Our boat arrived to take us back to Picton and the Boat driver said that we shouldn't really be on the water and needed to get going....! Great!! Made it safely though and Cam collected me and we headed straight to Christchurch. Felt like such a super star flinging from place to place!!

We got to Christchurch and headed round to our friend Stacey's house. She is wonderful and had organised a little fundraiser for me. We rocked on up and surprised everyone and it was so good to see all that were there. I am yet to find the words that describe what it feels like to have people give so much of themselves to help you out....Their time, generosity, love and their hair. Theres not a word that can tell you all how I grateful I am for everything that you have done for me. Its not just in terms of people at the Fundraiser but to all those that have sent emails, texts, baking, flowers and popped round just to see how I am through out everything. I will be forever grateful and hope that one day I can help out each of you as you have done for me.

These are the Gentlemen that gave up a little bit of themselves in order to raise money for me. Brendon, Daniel and Matthew.

It was such a good night and a lot of laughs!! The next day I had a blood test and an ovary ultra sound to see how my eggs were doing and if I was ready for harvesting. I was definitely ready to go!! I had walked around for the past few weeks feeling very heavy and at nights feeling rather puffy.

It was quite interesting hearing peoples reactions when I said that I was feeling uncomfortable, especially those who have had been through child birth. "You dont know what it feels like to be bloated etc" were said often and it got to the point where I felt like saying "Ok well you inject this months worth of injections and then get back to me." No way was I saying that I could relate to being pregnant but yes I was really uncomfortable and despite having had the eggs harvested, I still am! Please - any Woman that have been through IVF back me up!!!!???

The Nurses told me to take my stopper injection and booked me in for Wednesday. It all sort of hit me after that and I realised that Cam and I were soon to be parents...Not your typical parents but parents nonetheless. We went out for tea the night before and I ate a whole pizza in preparation for not being able to eat the next day :)

We arrived early and they did all the usual tests, which always start with me repeating my name, address and D.O.B. The first drug they gave me was in the form of a little pill that would make me feel like I "have had a few wines...." The nurse left me to get changed in to a sexy gown and between going to the toilet to get changed and leaving the toilet the pill had definitely worked. I was giggling and could just string a sentence together. The nurse came back and asked if I was feeling ok to which I remember responding to with simply a smile. She asked me to repeat my details once more (which was REALLY hard) and she walked me down to the operating room.

With Cam in toe, we walked into the room where our babies would be made.....haha. 

I got all set up on the bed and they explained to me how the procedure would go etc etc and then the nurse gave me the morphine. Well that was the end of any recollection I had of that day....! The last thing I remember is saying "Woah" as the Morphine circulated my system. The rest is a blur.

I came to in the recovery room propt up in a lazy boy with a blanket and Cam sitting at my feet. I didn't get knocked out by the drugs but my memory has been completely wiped. I was talking to the doctors as they collected the eggs but I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. Feeling a little dopey and quite queasy, I lay still until the nurse came in. She could see that I wasn't feeling the best and gave me a little pill to help with the sick feeling. They were extremely happy with outcome and the nurses were quite excited for me. 13 eggs were collected and that stage 7 embryos had matured and they were going to keep an eye on them over the next couple of days. We left the Fertility Clinic after a couple of hours of rest and headed home for more rest. I felt slow on it for the next couple of days but compared to how I was expecting to feel, it wasn't too bad at all. 

The next day I went and pampered myself with my friend Catherine who was getting married and her gorgeous sister Alex. We went and had a pedicure and manicure - It was so amazing! We then went to the Wedding rehearsal and the Wedding excitement kicked in!! No need for sugar, we were bouncing off the walls with excitement. We went out for dinner with the Family of the Bride and groom and the rest of the Wedding party that night. I have to admit, I probably over did it that day considering what I had done to me the day before. The only was to describe how I felt is that it felt like I REALLY needed to go number twos all the time! So strange. Cam kept reminding me that I would be really bruised etc and I needed to take it easy. 

The next day was Wedding day. When Miss Catherine Lyttle became Catherine Watson. The Wedding of Catherine and Alex was actually the most stunning day ever. It was amazing from start to finish and I adored being her Bridesmaid. 

After the week that I had I was more than ready to come home but knew that reality would hit when I did. 

On Wednesday the Eighteenth, at Ten O'clock I will be having my first round of Chemo.

Although I know that it will be ok, I am absolutely packing myself. The thing I am struggling with the most is not wanting to let clients down and feeling like Im slipping back. Im always working towards something and wanting to feel like I am reaching goals and lately I feel like I cant get anywhere while having Cancer. It feels like theres always an appointment to go to or a test to have. I kick myself when I think like that because I hate to feel like the Cancer is slowing me down. I also hate that I can admit to feeling like that.....But I guess that its all a part of of this Journey and I have to expect ups and expect downs. I just dont want to let this alter my hard work but I might just have to take a step back for a while....This year Cam and I were aiming to be making the move to Australia. There were a couple of Studios that I had eyed up to apply at. Its something we will be doing when I get the all clear. Next year. Thats the goal. I want to be overseas somewhere working in the Photography Industry. I dont care if I'm working for somebody - just to get some different experience would be amazing. Travel! Its all I want to do!! 

Without further ado, let me introduce you to our 5 wee embryo babies:

We originally had 7 but only 5 lasted the distance. An amazing results considering they have also frozen 5 of my eggs as well. We have joked over the last couple of days as we showed our friends and family this photo. We have established that the 3 on the left are children that will be like me, organised and in order and the two on the right will most definitely be like Cam. Crazy and a little bit spastic at times haha 

As I face this week, I will remember the good moments I had last week and remember all the kind and wonderful things you have all said and done for me. Also "Raindrops Keep falling on my head" is my new anthem. I especially love these lyrics: "But there's one thing I know The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me!" :) 

I will blog once I have had my first treatment and let you know how it all goes. Thank you all for being the Wonderful people you are. A.x

Pins and Needles....without the Pins.

WARNING: There are photos of me injecting myself. If you are afraid of needles, then best you dont look :)

I dragged my needle hating lover out of bed this morning to document what has become my daily routine. 8:20am every morning I inject myself. I cant say why is become that time, it just has. The aim for this blog is to share the routine and to also give you an outline of what "Hodgkins Lymphoma" is.


When I was first diagnosed, a lot of people would say to me "is that the bad one??" when I told them what I had.....I never really knew how to react to that and kind of didn't know what they meant by it. Any form of Cancer is not ideal to be completely honest!! I would rather have no form!! BUT after finding out exactly what Cancer I had and the differences between "Non-Hodgkins" and "Hodgkins Lymphoma", I understood peoples reactions.

"Lymphoma" is the general term for cancers that develop in the lymphatic system.Lymphoma originates from lymphocytes that have gone through a malignant change. They multiply without any order, forming tumors, which are made up of cancer cells. These tumors cause swelling in the Lymph nodes and other parts of the body. After a while, Lymphoma cells crowd out normal Lymphocytes and eventually the immune system becomes weakened and can no longer function properly. There are actually 35 different types of Lymphoma currently. Five of these sub-types belong to a group of diseases called Hodgkin Lymphoma and all the others are grouped together under non-Hodgkin Lymphomas. About 75 New Zealanders per year are diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma (Dont know where the hell I got my first statistic in the first blog haha,) most commonly between the ages of 15-30 years and 50-70 years.

Hodgkin Lymphoma may affect a single lymph node or a group of lymph node or can affect other part of the body such as the spleen, liver and bone marrow. In more advanced stages, Hodgkins Lymphoma can spread via the lymphatic system and the blood, to almost any part of the body. DONT FREAK OUT!! I have Stage 2B Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkins Lymphoma, which just means that the Cancer is in two groups of lymph nodes. In my case, my neck and in my chest. The B means that I have the symptoms associated with the Cancer. These include fever, night sweats, unexplained weight loss and itching of the skin.

When I found out I had Cancer, I wanted to know what I had done to get the Cancer and where I had gone wrong. I like to think I am a healthy person....in terms of my diet. Sure I have no problem admitting I like the odd KFC hit but I do eat healthy. The only thing really that lets me down is the fact that I dont exercise....L to the AZY.

They dont really know what causes Hodgkins Lymphoma. They do know its not contagious....!!!! There is some evidence that people are more at risk of developing HL if their Immune system has been weakened either by a VIRAL infection such as HIV (Happy to say that I dont have Aids!) or as a result of the use of drugs which affect the function of the Immune system. These drugs are commonly ones used when someone has an organ transplant. This made perfect sense in my case. I had Viral Meningitis when I was about 3 years old and also had a very lengthy period where I had Glandular fever. So basically I am F****D! Haha When I think about it, no wonder my Immune system is shot! We have no family history of this particular Cancer and that is often the case with Hodgkins Lymphoma Patients.

I dont know much about Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma but I do know that it can rapidly spread and if you have that form of Cancer, you have a high Chance of it becoming Leukemia also.

I met my support Nurse last week :) She is lovely. She is basically there to support me and answer any questions I might have and also if I need any help getting to and from appointments etc. It was so great to talk to her and I loved how honest she was. She warned me of a few things that I had already picked on with people and how they react to finding out. It was just good to know that I wasnt wrong with how I felt with certain things.

We spoke a bit about Chemo. When I think about Chemo, I feel sick and want to cry a little. I am scared, even though I know that I am going to be ok and could be going through a lot worse of a treatment plan. I am SO lucky with the treatment plan I will be receiving.

I received a letter from my Doctor that she puts together for my GP and Fertility Doctor, following the PET scan in Christchurch which went as follows "The plan once her Fertility treatment is complete, is for six cycles of ABVD chemotherapy and on completion of this, she will almost certainly require consolidation radiotherapy for three to six weeks down in Christchurch.".......Gee Willy! I am really hoping that the Chemo will be enough to get rid of the Bastard.

My nurse went through some of the side effects that I could expect. Things like Nausea and vomiting I expected but there were some things that I wasn't expecting.

The thing that surprised me the most was how much my mouth could be affected. Changes in taste and smell and also a thing called Mucositis all can occur during Chemo. Mucositis is inflammation of the lining of the mouth and throat. The aim of Chemo is to attack fast growing cells (which is what cancer is) and your mouth area is made up of those cells, so it takes a bit of a beating. Oral Hygiene is extremely important but I am a bit of freak with that already so I am sure I will have no problem. Hair loss is something that I am ready for. I know of a guy that was Diagnosed with the same thing as me the week I found out that I might have it. He has had about 3 rounds of chemo already and has had limited side effects. Hasn't even started to lose his hair so that gives me a bit of hope that I might not have to much trouble with side effects. I know everyone is different but heres hoping that all will be smooth sailing :)

My Nurse also told me about the sickness benefit etc. While I should be fine with working through the treatment she said I should definitely check out how much I am intitled to incase I have a bad time with side effects etc. This meant having to go into WINZ and picking up a form. The first time I went in the place was packed! There was no way I was waiting round....Hate to sound up myself but I felt quite uncomfortable in there...So I left. I decided to go to a different and smaller branch.

In I went the second time and there was no one around!! YES I thought! I will be in and out with no problems. I went to the reception and a lady came over. I will be completely honest and say she looked like she couldn't give a S**T and didn't wanna be there. Made me a little nervous. I said "Hi. Im here to pick up a Sickness benefit form." Said sweetly and with a smile. She just stopped in her tracks and stared at me....Im not joking. Looked me up and down and hesitated. GREAT! A mexican stand off in WINZ! I stared back waiting for her to give me the form. She hesitated some more and I could tell she was thinking "You dont look like you need it." So I just said what I hate saying. "I HAVE CANCER AND WILL BE STARTING CHEMO IN JANUARY.".....She started walking towards me a little bit more, still eye balling me. She got the form and before handing it to me she held it close to her body and gave me one last scan before saying "You do realise you will need a doctors certificate to prove you are sick...." I could not believe what I was hearing. I grabbed the form and walked out. My Nurse had warned me about going into WINZ and now I know why. I considered ringing and complaining but I left in such a rush I didn't think to look at her name badge or anything and really I just couldn't be bothered as it probably wouldn't change her attitude.

I also thought that she probably deals with all sorts and lets be honest I wouldn't like to have her job. I decided that its just one of those things and I will not let it bother me! It just amazes me that people can judge so easily. You pass someone in the street and you have no idea what is going on in their life. I have made such an effort to remember this. Apart from that everything has been great.

I have had no problems taking my injections. I have found that I cant stick the needle into the left side of my tummy. For some reason its a heap more sensitive than the right. I can just stick the needle in without feeling it now :) PRO!!! My friend finally decided to show her face. A week late but thats ok. We will let it slide. I have a blood test next week to see how my levels are looking and then we will start different drugs to prep me for my egg harvesting. The egg harvesting wont be happening till about the 9/01/12, which means my chemo start date will be pushed back as-well. Not bothered.

I am plodding along and have lots of exciting shoots coming up!! We were fine during the recent floods here in Nelson. Have to admit it felt weird to be in another State of Emergency. Was a scary time for a lot of people!! We had a bit of flooding up our sreet but nothing serious :) Was a little annoying and freaked me out with having so many shoots coming up, I just wanted the rain to stop!!! Christmas in a Week :) I am getting excited now. Mainly for the food and good old fashioned family fun. Cam and I managed to get all our Christmas shopping done yesterday. What a relief!!!

The above photo proves to the cynics that I do have something to stick the needle into it!! I know I have lost a bit of weight but I eat enough food to make sure theres something left haha I havent really noticed much change in my body since starting the injections. My Boobs are fuller....Not bigger, just feel fuller somehow. Also my ovaries are FULL! To the point where the other night I was feeling quite uncomfortable and I felt the ovary area and I was so bloated. FULL OF BABIES!! My fiend Phily said yesterday "Look at you walking towards me with those full ovaries." Haha it made me laugh so much. I like it that we can laugh. Through it all, there is reason to laugh and that is because Life is so good!! Laughing about it all makes it easier and if it helps others, feel free to crack jokes about my ovaries. Not quite at the joking stage with Cancer just yet but knowing me and my family we will get there.

And that my friends is the last photo to show my daily routine. Not very exciting really. Done and dusted in about 2 minutes. FYI - I have tried making the photos bigger but this is as good as it gets. You can click on the photos to make them bigger if your abit of a needle freak and wanna take a closer look :)

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope its been an interesting read and you have learnt something. I just want people to understand what I have. Saves the questions :)

If I dont blog before Christmas, I want to take the opportunity now to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. If you are traveling, be safe! Enjoy the company you keep and fine wine you drink! I havent had a drink since finding out about the bastard and will treating myself to a few tipples on Christmas :) will probably sit me on my arse!!! But really, I hope you have a lovely Christmas. This year has been a real shitter of a year! No censoring that one because its the truth. I dont like wishing my time away but I cant wait to see the back side of 2011. It has been a year that has changed my life, much like a lot of people. It will be one we never forget! Heres to 2012! The year of new beginnings and kicking some serious Cancer Arse!!

Love to each and everyone of you! A.x

All I want for Christmas......?

My Blog has become quite the topic of conversation lately. People say that they admire my honesty and my ability to be so open. Yes. I am a VERY open person. I have no problem saying things about myself that most people would be able to say. This has become a bit of problem. I was sitting with my Mum after Cam and I got back from Christchurch yesterday and I was telling her about my trip.
It basically consisted of Periods.....Ovaries.....and semen samples. Mum looked at me and said "Oh you wont put that on your blog will you?" I caught myself mid sentence and thought hmmmmmm I wonder how much detail is acceptable/what people actually want to know about me. Where do I draw the line....I have decided to talk about all that happened on out trip to Christchurch because I know a lot of you genuinely like knowing what is happening. I just want any of you that might not want to know all the details now, so you dont read :)

 We had kind of forgotten is was December and nearing to Christmas until we arrived in Christchurch and went to Riccarton Mall.....CHAOS! They had people directing you where to go to get parks and it was insanely busy inside. The Christmas madness had begun. We havent even started our Christmas Shopping which is typical. We have compiled a list of things we have thought of getting people but that is as far as it goes. This year I am a little bit Team Ba Humbug. I am looking forward to being surrounded by my beautiful Family and eating my heart out but just the whole Christmas thing is a little bit to much to handle at the moment.

The purpose of the trip was for me to learn about how to take the Fertility Drugs. One thing we have learnt very quickly is that things NEVER work out how you expect and things are always a little more complicated. We arrived to the fertility appointment and sat down in the waiting room Either side of us we had to strollers with children inside. The parents would have been in their mid - late 30's. In pop Cam and I who are obviously a little younger, Me in a singlet, jeans + jandles and Cam in his favourite, WELL LOVED/Holey jeans and a shirt with ACID written across it.....Really Cameron! The one time we should probably look like we are well rounded, mature young adults and you chose to wear that shirt. I know they probably weren't but I felt the other couples in the waiting room looking at us. Not married, young adults at a fertility clinic. I felt like saying "I wouldn't normally hang out here but I have Cancer...." Its just amazing how easy it is to judge a book by its cover and as I write this I realise that I probably judged them just as quickly as they judged me...

The children stared too. I know thats what kids do but it just made me chuckle. It was like our fate was staring at us one last time, making sure we knew what we were doing before we signed all the paper work and jumped feet first into this Fertility Pool.

Our names were called and in we went. I cannot fault the Doctors that I have had the privilege of meeting so far. Each one unique but they are all doing their absolute best and making me feel like this is going smoothly. We went through all the documents and signed the many dotted lines. This was basically to say we understood the procedures that would follow and also in the case of either one of passing away, what would we want each other to do with the Embryos. If everything wasn't heavy enough!!! This was also a big appointment for us as we were telling the Doctor what way we wanted to go, which was Embryo Freezing. I wouldn't say there was a lot of pressure, but when we first met the Doctor she was very strong on the point that Cam and I are young and not married and that things can change over time blah blah blah and that later on down the track we might not be together and that leaves embryos to fight over etc etc. I understand that it is their job to say all these things but this WASNT something that we thought over for 5 minutes. We have talked about it and Marriage and children was where we were heading anyway.

Once all the questions had been asked and answered and everything was signed they sprung an Ovary ultrasound on me......Yup.....Up goes the probe and they look around at your goodies aka the ovaries. I have lovely ovaries apparently, Jam packed with eggs. In fact I had 12 on one side and 15 on the other. Good time to make a baby! We were under the understanding that I was due to start my period on the 6th, which is when I ALWAYS get it and my bloods were showing we were on track. I was given my needles + drugs and was shown how to inject them. I just grab a little tummy fat and stick the needle into that and its done :) So we left on the understanding that my period would come in a coule of days and that I would start the injection.......

A few days passed and we were actually meant to go back to Nelson on Sunday but I got a call from the Radiology doctors saying that they needed me for a PET Scan on the Tuesday. The radioactive scans can only be done in Christchurch and the Radioactive injection is flown down from Wellington the morning it will be used. Cam also got the dreaded call to say that he was required to do the all important Semen Sample.....We knew I had the goods and now it was up to Cam to keep his end of the bargain. He did the sample on the Tuesday morning before my appointment. Turns out we both had a little bit of stage fright that day haha. I was due to start my period but there was still no sign of it so I had a blood test and it showed that I am not going to get it for at least another week....This screwed everything up. My Injections and also possibly my Chemo start date. The nurse said that this is normal under the circumstances. That my body is going through and processing a lot and its a little stressed. Crazy what can change!!

It came time for Cammy to do his sample and all went smoothly....He will admit though that it was a lot of pressure and that he did have a little bit of stage fright. Understandable!! Im having stage fright without even knowing it. I then headed for the scan.

A PET scan is basically a CT scan but they inject a Radioactive compound that is attracted to masses such as tumors and can show the energy consumption rather than just its structure, So this would show up any other little bits of cancer that I might have in my body. Because the injection was a sugar substance I had to sit completely still for an hour after the injection. Sugar naturally goes to muscles that are moving, so to prevent these muscles from taking up the radioactive sugar and obscuring normal areas, I had to be still. I was mighty comfortable and even fell asleep. They had a nice lazy boy chair for me and I got to wear a Sexy hospital gown :) After the hour was up I went and had my scan. All went well and they said I had "really nice pictures" which sounds good but I guess I dont really understand what that means....haha We drove back to Nelson the next day.

I am getting quite tired with all that is going on and I really try my best to get a good nights sleep but lately it has been hard. Its not like I am worrying about things, I just cant switch my brain off. My new Fertility Drugs arrived today and I injected myself for the first time this morning while the Nurse from the Fertility Associates talked me through it on the phone. I hesitated for a bit and it was hard to shove the needle into my stomach. Its so unnatural but I have done it now! Now we wait.....See how my levels go and if my period decides to show. This will determine when I will have my eggs harvested and then when I will start Chemo. So a bit of a waiting game but in the mean time I get to stick myself with needles. Cant complain :)

 Seeing all our Beautiful friends in Christchurch was just what we needed. It was so good to see you all and I hope it helped you to see me as much as it helped me seeing you. I will be seeing you all again soon. Now something a little bit cute to leave you with after all the period talk. As we were driving home from Christchurch Cam turned to me and said very sweetly "Once our baby is frozen, does that technically mean we celebrate Mothers Day?" I dont think so Cammy but if you wanna buy me flowers I wont object. I love that Man.

I hope you all are more organised than I am with all this Christmas kerfuffle. Enjoy it with the ones you love. A.x

 PS: Some of you have emailed asking me if I have taken the photos for my blog posts and the answer is yes :) If you want to pop on over to my Photography page on Facebook, Click HERE. If you like what you see, I would very much appreciate you show me some love and click like. Feel free to share with Family and friends.

Baby Talk & Chemotherapy....

It has been 5 days since my last blog entry and it has had almost 800 people read it....To say I have been overwhelmed would be a major understatement. Overwhelmed just does not cut it. The outpouring of support and kind words has been really emotional to receive. Emails from complete strangers saying that they admire my strength and are sending me positive vibes has been really overwhelming for me. I have struggled with knowing what to say, as there really is no words to describe how it feels to feel so loved and cared for. There is also no amount of times I can say Thank you, to make you understand how grateful I am.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! 

I could say it a million times and it still would never be enough! The last two days have been the hardest for me so far. No, I havent wallowed in a corner and no, I havent stayed in bed for two days straight (although it has been tempting.) I have just quietly processed all that I have been told and all that I have been talking about for last 4 weeks as it becomes a reality.
"Yeah, I will have about 6 months of Chemo" I say.....Then my mind catches up with what I have just said and it realizes that I actually have to do that....Its not just words anymore. I have felt like I am out of my body. Im sure to some that would sound crazy but for those of you who have experienced it, you will know exactly what I mean. I feel like I am sitting up in the corner of the room I am in and I am watching myself move about, continuing with daily routine.

I went for a drive with my good friend, Philippa last night and she pointed out that although I havent lost someone, I have lost a little part of myself through this experience and I am grieving. A light bulb went off and everything she was saying made sense. I am grieving. In some weird way I am.

Cam and I had our first fertility appointment yesterday and I must say it was such a huge eye opener for me. I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone that is reading this who has been through IVF. What an incredible and emotional roller coaster. I am lucky enough to have my treatments funded and I have to admit that I feel a little bad that I am so lucky......For those that cant have children and have to pay for these treatments and then for them not to work out must be so heartbreaking....I learnt so much and I dont know what I was expecting but its so much more complicated than I could have ever imagined.

Cam has been so amazing.

Poor boy picked a dud when he picked me!! haha I kid. Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions people make in their lives.....when your ready. Cam and I have had to think about our entire future together + our children. Its not something that we have never spoken about but its definitely something that we havent gone into great detail about. "How many children would you like? What names do you like?" are pretty much as far as we have ever gotten and even then, no real decision making was needed as it was only what ifs. Call me old fashioned but I always thought that my wedding day would be what I would be deciding first, not the future of my children.

We were given two options. The first was just the egg freezing and storage which would only require me and the second was egg harvesting, with embryo freezing which would of course require both of us to give up the goods....Haha. Cam couldn't help but chuckle whenever the Doctor would say "SEMEN SAMPLE!!!" The laughing stopped however when she told us that we were required to both go for a blood test after the appointment. I didn't bat an eye lid but Cam was not overly excited. I had never realised just how much he hates getting blood tests. I thought that he would be fine aslong as he didn't watch so I would keep him distracted. How wrong was I!! The poor boy went so white and a little gray and started sweating during the blood tests and not once did he look at the needle. I felt so bad for him as I didn't realise just how bad he takes them. After a lie down, a drink of water and a cold napkin on his head, he was back to normal and off we went to treat ourselves to Ice Cream, as our first step to securing our children's future was completed.

I have to go down to Christchurch to learn how to take the drugs for the treatment. Its done through self injection and NO Cam wont be helping me haha. This will most likely be happening at the end of the week. I have to wait for my period to come and go (Sorry to all the men that are reading this) and then I can start the drugs and then from there I will go back down to Christchurch once the eggs are ready and I will have them removed. The process is not to painful when it happens but I have been told that after it can be quite painful. I am sure its nothing I cant handle. Us Women are built tough :)

Today I met with my Doctor to talk Chemo! Woo!!! I <3 my Doctor. She is so very genuine and honest. I appreciate it!! So I will have my first round of Chemo on Wednesday the Eleventh of January, Two thousand and Twelve. Before any of you go "Gosh thats ages away!!!" Really it sounds like it is but with all this fertility kerfuffle going to take about a month, its a realistic date. Also I have a Wedding that I am photographing on the 7th which I am NOT missing because it something I have been looking forward to for forever!! My Doctor has reassured me that I dont need to worry. I am not showing any signs of being really unwell. Yes I have cancer but I am not really sick. I am happy with this date and outcome so if you still feel that its ages away at least know that I am ok and I am happy. At least I know now where I am headed. The limbo has ended and I have direction. THANK GOODNESS!


Also I am super stoked - I get a wig!!! I cant wait to go hairstyle shopping. I would love any ideas (no joking please!) as to what you think I would suit etc. Im thinking of a bob or long straight hair.....Jeepers I am so excited. With all the garbage that comes with this experience there are still things that get me excited and getting a wig is one of them!!!

While this is all daunting, I am slowly coming to terms with everything and I understand that its ok to not be ok. I also know that I will be ok. I have truly felt such strength over the last few weeks from everyones support and messages.The prayers, healing vibes and just simply the words have all helped and I appreciate each and everyone of you. You inspire me. I thank you for inspiring me. There is a lot left to my life and I am excited for my future and the things I will achieve. This year in itself has been huge for me. I have set myself up with my Photography Business with nothing but positivity. It has been hard and Im not completely there yet but I have gotten to this point. It just shows that you can really do anything you put your mind to and if you want something to happen, you make it become a reality. I am living the dream.

I love what I do and I do what I love. A.x

Dropping a bomb shell...

I have agonised over people finding this out....How do I tell them??? What do I say?? etc etc....

 Yes, I have Cancer. 

I found out about two weeks ago that it was a possibility and was officially diagnosed on Wednesday the Twenty Third of November, Two thousand and Eleven.
A bit of history, for those who dont know....I have had a Thyroid problem since I was 14 years old. It was treated when I was 16 and I was fine for about two years. A lump returned in my throat, so back to the doctor I went to say that the Thyroid gland had flared up and they put me on the appropriate medicine and away I went. When Cam and I moved back to Nelson I went to my Gp here and requested to see a surgeon to get the Thyroid removed, because despite my Thyroid levels being normal, the lump would not go away and in fact it was getting bigger..

The ball got rolling and the surgeon ordered that I have an Ultra sound so he could see where the "thyroid" was placed in my neck so he could plan an appropriate procedure to remove it. I knew something was up when I had my ultra sound because the lovely nurse that was seeing me that day was visibly shocked when she saw the size of the mass and how it was placed. She tried her very best to make me comfortable and not let on that it was anything bad. Next thing you know, I am in having a CT scan. I thought it was simply another test for the surgeon to get a better understanding of the location of the "Thyroid." I thought it was a little bit strange when they told me that they were going to do a full body scan. I said that they probably didn't need to worry because the only thing they needed to check was my throat....They said "Oh we are just going to check that your bones are in line.".......What!??? Check that my bones are in line??? I wasn't going to argue and let them do what they needed to do.

 A few days passed and I was out discovering beautiful places with a Landscape designer that I was Photographing for when I received a call from my GP to say that I needed to go and in and see him straight away. I could hear in his voice that something wasn't ok. I rang my Mum to say that I was headed to the Doctor and told her if I needed her I would call.

 I got in there and he told me that there is a high chance that I have Hodgkins Lymphoma, which is a form of Cancer......That the huge lump in my throat was actually a Tumor. The first thing that raced through my head was "DELTRA GOODREM!!" I remembered her having a very public battle with this Cancer when I was in my teens. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I rang my Mum and she came in and was told. I felt terrible for my GP. He is probably the sweetest Man you will ever meet and he didn't technically have to tell me that I have Cancer. He requested that I saw him because he didn't want a complete stranger telling me the news. That is something I will be forever grateful for.

I had two Biopsies the following weeks and the results came back as positive for Hodgkins Lymphoma.

I apologise to those who are finding this out by reading this but I feel its the easiest way for me to get the news out there. I am not good with telling people face to face..... I am ok! Its not ideal but its something that I have no doubt I will overcome. Positivity is a strong and great thing and I have plenty of it. Cam and I are in the process of sorting out the future of our Babies :) We have an appointment with the Fertility Clinic and will probably be going with the IVF option. So crazy to think we will have a baby.......Also crazy to think that when that child is eventually born, we can tell it (eventually!!) that it was conceived so many years ago....CRAZY!!! I am also meeting with my Doctor next week to find out my treatment plan and how long I will be receiving Chemo.

 I know that this is not something anyone wants to read but I need you to understand that I am ok. I have my moments but if you saw me in the street and you didn't know that I was sick, you wouldn't be able to tell. I am just carrying on as normal. In terms of my work, the Doctor has assured me that I will still be capable of Photographing. I have however emailed the Clients that have bookings with me over the next year to give them the heads up and also the opportunity to change their bookings. I have to say I have been truly overwhelmed by their responses. The kindest words from complete strangers and it has really warmed my heart.

 To those who have sent flowers, cards, baked, called, popped round and simply sent me a lovely text.....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You dont understand how much it means to me having you all surrounding me. How can I not get better with the great friends and family that I have!!!!???? I am going to kick the bastard so hard up the back side, it wont dare return!!!! I will be documenting my journey through this blog and through photographs, so just a heads up if its too heavy for you, you probably dont want to read this blog anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this... I wish I was telling you all that I won lotto or something but maybe one day?? :) Eat healthy, exercise and be happy! Take care and have a lovely day. I know I will :) A.x