Looking good = Feeling better? Yes!

I had a visit from the little girl next door yesterday who would be no older than 7. She came around to see if we were going to go to our streets bbq thats happening this weekend. I could see her staring at my arm, which had the usual plaster on it from the 3rd round/2 cycle of treatment I had received a few hours earlier. She went quiet for a bit and I could see she was trying to figure out what was wrong. Finally she softly said "Whats that for there?" as she pointed to my arm. Flip I thought. What do I say??? I stumbled over my words and umd and ahd for a bit before saying "Oh that? I have just been to the doctors and they gave me some special, magic medicine to make me feel better!" Nervously I awaited for the "but whhhyy?" and to see if she would dig further into why I had to have it. I really didn't want to go into Cancer with a child that I really dont know. "Oh!.......Ok!......Can I pat your Kitten please?" she replied. I smiled. I loved her response. No need for any more details. So carefree! Either that or she really didn't give a damn!! Haha oblivious to how much she made my day, she waddled passed me and headed over to play with our cat, Pixel.

Single Digits. Holy Moly - I am so flippen happy to be able to say that.  9 to go.

I will back track a bit. Tuesday the Fifteenth of February was not only Valentines day, it was the day of the Look Good Feel Good workshop. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, it has been a ray of light throughout this trial and I was really looking forward to it. All the nurses kept saying to me how much I will love and enjoy it but I really wasn't to sure what to expect. I always like to educate a little bit with every blog so here are a few little facts and figures about Look Good Feel Good for those of you who may not have heard of it before:

• Look Good Feel Better was born in the USA in 1987.
• The programme has been running in New Zealand since 1992.
• More than 10,000 women are diagnosed with cancer in New Zealand every year.
• In 2009 alone, our workshops helped over 2,770 women face the mirror and the future with increased confidence.
• Workshops are run in 23 regions of New Zealand.
• Last year, more than 180 workshops were held throughout the country.
• Over 460 volunteers around New Zealand give their time to helping women at our workshops.
• Look Good Feel Better has helped over 23,400 patients in New Zealand since the programme’s inception.
• Look Good Feel Better is helping women suffering from cancer in over 20 countries around the world. - http://www.lgfb.co.nz/

Pretty amazing!!!  I turned up early (as usual!) and slowly walked in the room. I was greeted by a group of Woman who were all so friendly. I was quickly given something to drink and a name badge. I started making small talk with one of the Volunteers and then a woman approached me and said "I see the Vultures have had a go at you today." At first I was a little confused with what she was going on about....I thought to myself "I hope she's not talking about the lovely Volunteer that has been so friendly and is standing right next to me and listening to everything that we are saying." I soon figured out that she was referring to my arm, as I had a blood test done just before I went. I laughed and she laughed and the ice had been broken with another fellow Cancer fighter. I recognised her from my treatments and we got talking and before you knew it we were discussing what each other had and our treatment plans etc. She had breast cancer. She was diagnosed October last year and had her breast removed as soon as she found out. I honestly would not have been able to tell because she had a prosthesis and it looked like she had not lost a breast at all. I was so amazed as she spoke about finding out that she had cancer and how brave she was. She said to me that she didn't mind having her breast removed. It didn't upset her but as soon as her hair started falling out - thats when she struggled. I talked to her about what I was finding with my hair and she said that hers started like mine but got worse so she just shaved it off. The treatment for patients with Breast Cancer is quite intense and they always say that you will lose your hair.

A few more people arrived until there was about 8 of us there. All Woman. All fighting the Bastard that affects so many people every single day.

I found myself thinking that NEVER in a million years would I have thought that I would be attending such a thing because I have Cancer. If someone had told me a couple of years ago that I would be sitting in a room with a bunch of ladies who are fighting cancer just like myself, I would not have believed them.  I suppose that will be the same for all of you reading this. I am so glad that I was there though. After having been through this rewarding experience and getting to meet all these Beautiful ladies, I would not change a bloody thing. The crap stuff is bearable when you are alongside such strong and inspiring woman. I have to admit that I get a little emotional when I think about it.......I think I always will.

We were all asked to sit in our allocated seats. At each of a our benches was a Mirror and an array of Skin care and makeup products. We were each introduced to a Volunteer that would be looking after us for the day and doing our make up etc. I was surprised when I arrived at how healthy and good everyone looked. All had hair on their heads, except one lady. I glanced down for a few seconds and when I looked up, 5 of the 8 woman that were there all of a sudden were bald. I thought HUH?! Then clicked. All of these Woman that I had seen at treatments looking amazing with beautiful hair, had been wearing wigs all this time. They had me fooled!! The wigs look so real!! Still, they all rocked the short hair and baled hairstyles like pros! 

It all started off a little quite but I can assure you by the end of it, We were all laughing and talking :) So much so that they had to use a loud bell every time they wanted to get our attention. The ages ranged. I was the youngest by far. The ladies were Mature Woman and the oldest was in her 70's.  I didn't feel out of place at all like I had felt at chemo treatments. It started with removing our makeup and cleansing and toning our skin. They talked about ways we could cut down the risk of infections etc while dealing with beauty and skin products. Once we were fresh faced, it was time for the makeup. They talked us through applying foundation, eyeshadow, eye liner, blush, lip liner and lipstick. My helper had been Volunteering for 10 years+ and was so lovely. She works in a Pharmacy and thats how she got involved. She was so amazing and honest and I loved that she didn't have me leaving there looking like a completely different person. She did my make up very similar to how I already wear it, just a little flasher haha. Once we were all looking Beautiful (and each of the ladies looked stunning) we sat back and admired how good it made us feel. Some of the ladies I could see were quite overwhelmed with how it made them look and feel and I have to say it was very touching to see them smile. One of ladies in particular had found out the day before that her Cancer had actually spread into the middle if chest, between her breasts and that she was going to have to receive a stronger treatment, one that would definitely mean she would lose her hair. It doesn't stop there. This is her THIRD go at Chemo......and she has it every fortnight I think it was but for the week where she doesn't come in for treatment, she takes Chemo drugs orally. So its basically an everyday occurrence for her. She just stared in the mirror with such a happy look on her face and I know that she left there feeling a million dollars. Her and all the other ladies there are my Inspiration. I look forward to treatments now just so I can see them and talk about how things are going. Im a little sad that one of the ladies that I spoke most with, will be finishing treatment soon, Of course I am sooooooo stoked for her but I wish I had met her sooner.

After all the makeovers were completed it was time to talk about wigs, turbans and scarfs. It was so amazing to see the different wigs available and to learn some tricks to pimp your turbans. Once that was done we mingled and talked about all the different aspects of treatments and side effects. The nitty gritty stuff didn't take long to arise either.....its like we were all busting to talk about the gross things that come along with Chemo to someone who could relate and understand. Constipation, Diarrhea, Periods (or lack there of) were all spoken (and laughed) about as we traded our stories and our tricks to avoid the old burning poo scenario!

It was such a refreshing experience and I left there with a spring in my step and a smile on my face. Not to mention all the Skin care and make up products that they used on us! We were so spoilt.
It really will be something that I NEVER will forget and I recommend it to any Woman out there that has Cancer! So rewarding!!

The day after (Wednesday the Sixteenth) was my 3rd round of Chemo. I was dreading it a little I must admit, after how rank I felt last time but after meeting the ladies that I met the day before, I really didn't have anything to complain about after hearing their situations. So I sucked it up and rocked on up to Level 3 with my Dad beside me. Im slowly meeting all the Nurses as I seem to have a different one each time I go. They have all been Incredible but this weeks nurse was particularly awesome! I love her because she got the needle in first time!! I get so anxious leading up to having it inserted and its not getting any easier!!! My veins have started to play up when I go for Blood tests and are starting to show the effects of chemo. My Nurse said today that if it continues to go the way its going, they will ask me to consider having a Port-a-cath inserted in my chest. This would save having to put the needle in each time I go. We will see how things go....! We had a wee hiccup this week though. Like I said, I had a blood test the day before which was to make sure my White blood cells were up for another treatment. My count was quite low and so today I have my nurse coming round to check up on me and to also give me an injection to help boost my blood count. I am more susceptible to infection at the moment because it is so low. So all you sick puppies out there give me fair warning if we bump into each other!  If its to low before treatment, they sometimes wont let you have it. That would suck!! You work yourself up and prepare yourself for each treatment and then to be turned away and say you have to come back when its higher would really grind your gears. The thing is I feel fine. I was so surprised when she said that it was low. Smooth sailing otherwise :)

I sat there with familiar faces staring back at me, which was a nice change :) My Dad had finished work an hour or so before my treatment and hadn't had the chance to sleep. He snoozed while I rested. Also had a visit from my Partners Nana and Pop, which was lovely. They brought me some lovely flowers and flowers always brighten your mood!  As I get closer to the half way mark of my treatment, I am getting excited for the scans to see how much the Tumor has died a terrible death! Cant wait to see before and afters! My neck is looking normal for the first time in years and its just so awesome. I caught myself the other day staring at the mirror and pulling faces because I could see the Ligaments (?) in my neck for the first time in ages. Would have looked like an idiot!! But an idiot without a great big Tumor in my neck WOO HOO!!

I wanted to take a chance to let all you lovely readers know that I am doing the Relay for Life and if anyone would like to make a donation to my team, you can do so:
02-0704-0092628-000 - Relay for Life - Life Fighters. We all would appreciate any donations that you are able to make. Also if you are in Nelson on the 3rd + 4th of March, you should pop down to Saxtons Field and support all those that will be participating. I have done it once before and it really is such a great thing to be involved in. I cant wait :) 

With another treatment down, I say bring on the next. My life has been brightened by this hurdle and will always be grateful for the opportunities to meet the amazing Medical Staff I have had the pleasure to look after me and of course the Fighters. I know the horrible reality that so many people dont survive Cancer. I feel so lucky to have met each and every one of them. Everyone comes into your life for a reason and I have always believed that. So many valuable lessons I have learnt at the age of 21 and as my 22nd birthday approaches, I feel wiser beyond my years. What a gift!
A.x

Treatment Pyramid. Chemo { Round Two }

"Right Andrea, I need to ask you the usual before we start. Whats your full name and Date of birth?" 
"Andrea Leah Seymour. Twenty fourth of the the Third, Nineteen Ninety."
"Oh! Sweetie.......you're just a baby!!."

My Treatment pyramid.
Starting at the top and working my way down.


10. 10 more treatments to go. I cant wait for that number to be single digits and even more so, when its a big fat 0!! I have to be honest (when am I ever not!!??) and say that this treatment was a lot harder to deal with and has given me a bit of a wake up call as to what I could be in for. It has been 4 days since my second round and I am only just coming right.

Ice cube tray. Ice. Ice Cream. Ice blocks. Anything Ice related has been my best friend over the last few days. I have tried thinking of a way to describe how my mouth feels as the chemo treatment begins to take its toll. My tongue feels like I have had to many lollipops and the taste buds are wrecked. The beginnings of Ulcers surround my mouth and my Esophagus and my sense of taste has been altered by a lingering chemical taste. I almost lost my appetite because of the discomfort yesterday. It was at its worse yesterday. When they told me that I could have some problems with my mouth, I never imagined such a feeling. It sucks!!! I have accepted the fact that I will most likely turn into a lard arse because of the amount of Ice cream I will be eating for the duration of my treatment haha but really I shouldn't complain. When else can you have an excuse for eating so much Ice cream!!?? I am drinking a lot of fluid as well because keeping my mouth moist is key! I have started drinking through a straw as well to help my with the pain in my tongue. All these little things we are picking up quickly are definitely important so I know for next time round....WOO!!

Groggy. Like a hangover. Except I almost wish it was a Hangover. At least when you sleep a few hours, the hangover eases and you feel better. The feeling after chemo is like a hangover that lasts for a few days. I have also found that I am a little dazed at times. I noticed this with the first treatment. I had a photo shoot two days after receiving my first round of chemo and while I felt fine, I definitely wasn't. I drove up the drive after doing the Photo shoot and I couldn't remember how I got home and parts of the photo shoot were a little hazy.......I am happy to say the Photos were great haha but this is when I decided that I wont be driving for a few days following treatment....I hope its something my body overcomes. With everything, I hope its something I will just get used to. Time will tell.

FRENCH FRIES! Good God. They were already a guilty pleasure of mine but I have been having the biggest cravings for french fries/anything salty. Its funny because they say to help with the mouth pain, you should avoid salty foods BUT ITS ALL I WANT!! I was having a nap (Pretty sure I am in a constant nap state) and I woke suddenly and my brain screamed at me that I NEEDED a Spicy Tender crisp Chicken Burger combo from BK. So I hauled Cam away from what he was doing and made him drive me to get the combo, to which I then basically inhaled! It was the best burger I have EVER had and I was most content for the rest of the day. I tell ya, between the Ice cream eating and burger + fry cravings I am going to be a little on the heavier side. I probably could do with a bit of weight gain. My Nurse has made it clear that if I have problems with Nausea/vomiting + constipation following treatment, I am to tell her straight away because I cant afford to lose anymore weight. So I will continue to eat exactly what I want :)

Bald. No I am not Bald. But my hair loss has been topic of conversation over the last couple of days as I try to convince people that the amount that I am losing is not normal. My hair has always fallen out. Always. But its not normal for the bathroom floor to be covered in hair and when I shower, I run my fingers through my hair and my hand is covered in hair. I do think that my hair is thinning and if it continues to do so, I am going to have to do something about it. For now, I am going to wait and just see what happens. I did think for a while that its all in my head but I am not convinced.....It doesn't worry me if it is happening. Its just an annoying in-between as I hover waiting to see if its going to continue or not. I have also noticed my skin is really dry - especially my hands and nails. My nails are chipping and peeling so I am keeping them painted :)

Dentures. It was the closest thing to teeth that I could find haha. This block sort of ties in with the Ice cube tray block and the mouth discomfort. I now own a soft bristle tooth brush and I am having to brush my teeth after almost every meal to help with the chemical taste. It is slowly fading but I am such a dental hygiene freak and I cant stand that thought of having bad breath because of the chemical taste. I have to brush my teeth very carefully and slowly because my gums hurt. I am also thinking that I might hunt down a more natural tooth paste because the one we use now burns a little when I use it.

Sounds like I have spent the entire blog complaining about everything. But really its reality and what I have had to deal with. I havent been much fun to be around lately and I cant wait to treat Cam to a holiday away once this is all over. We have really enjoyed talking about where we would like to go once its all over. I cant wait. People have mentioned that I should open up an account for people to donate to that could go towards our holiday. I am not sure how I feel about it just yet.....but I will let you know what happens with that. While I would obviously be truly grateful, I just dont know how I would feel taking other peoples money..... We will see.....

After a CRAZY month (January,) I have been taking the first week of February easy and I have to say its exactly what I needed. I have also made some decisions with work as well. I will only be doing Photo shoots on the weeks that I dont have chemo, leaving the week of Chemo for me to do editing etc. So two weeks a month where I will actually be available to work. I definitely think its for the best and is a manageable goal for me with how the treatments have been going!

On Thursday I had my Mum and my brother with me. Mum stayed to hold my hand for the needle part, for which my beautiful Brother disappeared for haha. He hates needles and hospitals for that matter so him being there was just so awesome. We talked about all sorts and even considered writing a rap about Chemo.......Not much else to do.....! I had a good seat this time and was one of the first people there. I sat right at the back of the room so I could see everyone....Its the little things that make a chemo treatment ok to deal with haha Next week is the look good feel good workshop and I cant wait to blog about that. Its going to be awesome.

I know a lot of people read this that I might not know very well or at all, so I want to tak the time to Thank you for your support. With each treatment my Mum is simply overwhelmed by the messages she receives from people. Its important that those close to me continue to get such messages. That goes for both my family and Cam's Family, who Cam and I live with. Theres only so many times I can thank them for what they do, so to have people like yourselves reminding them each day that they aren't alone through this is something that they and something that I will never forget.  So to the Friends, the family and the strangers, I send all the love and thanks from the bottom of my heart. You are wonderful people.


With a constant supply of straws, juices, kiwi crush and kitten cuddles, I draw this blog post to a close. Thank you for taking the time to read my rants. You want honesty - You get honesty haha. The next one will be all about how great I feel after the workshop. Something to look forward too :)
Its a good day to have a good day!
A.x

Chemo { Round One }

Yesterday was a day that felt like it went in Slow Motion. I got up early, showered and got dressed and even managed to eat some breakfast! I was quite impressed with myself. I had been quietly (or maybe not so quietly) nervous for the couple of days leading up to Wednesday and it felt so strange walking into the hospital knowing that I was going in there to start Chemo.

Level 3, Day stay unit, 10:00am.

I walked into the room and there was about 11 other people in the room having chemo also. They were all older than me. I was definitely the youngest person there. A lady next to me, who was having her THIRD try at chemo said that I was too young to be there. The one time I thought "I am too young to be going through this", I thought What age is it ok to go through Cancer!!?? No one should have to and if young children, who dont even know what Cancer is can go through Chemo, then we can suck it up and deal with it. I was placed in a chair right in the middle of everyone....haha the newbie!! There was about two other people there that having the same chemo as me. 

One lady arrived with an entourage of people and made a bit of a scene.....She refused to sit in the middle of the room because she didn't want everyone looking at her.....I didn't take it personally haha 

My support nurse was away and so I had different Nurses looking after me. I sat and waited for a while. I didn't like staring too much at people but it was hard not to. You could tell some were Chemo Pros and had been in the game for a while. No body looked REALLY sick though which was a relief....I am a shocker at staring. It drives Cam up the wall haha I dont even know that I do it. It will get me into trouble one day. Im just intrigued by people and a little bit nosey... 

The nurse came over and took my hands and asked if I was warm. I almost always have cold hands, no matter what the temperature. So off to toilet I had to go to sit by the basin and warm my hands up. Once this was done and my veins were nice and puffy, it was time to have the needle inserted into my hand. I have NO problems with needles or injections until it comes time to having something inserted into my hand and if I was going to be completely honest, it was the one thing that I was most nervous about!!! Sounds a little silly. The first time the nurse tried, the vein "blew back" so it was a no go. She managed to get it into my right hand. Once this was done I relaxed. I had my Mummy there holding my hand which definitely helped :) It was go time. As the saline was flushed through my body my arm became really cold and they had a never ending supply of hottie bottles coming my way to place on top of my arm.

I have four Chemo drugs that are given to me for my treatment. The first is put through by the nurse and is a red colour and I was told to not be surprised if my urine became red. I kept expecting to feel sick or different as the drugs circulated my system but i didn't feel anything. I said to my Mum that it felt so strange to think that the drugs were in me and were starting the job of killing the Cancer cells. It felt like such an achievement. Once the red drug was put through, I had a little more saline and then the next chemo drug was administered by my nurse. This drug is the one that could make me constipated! WOO HOO!!! Again I waited for a change in the way I was feeling but nothing changed. The third and fourth drug are just dripped through me.

Each of us have a machine on wheels. I think they gave me the dud one because every time I went to the toilet (which is like every 5 seconds!) I really struggled driving it. Almost tipped it over twice. A few people made comments that I need L plates...Did make chuckle and I am tempted to take some L plates next time I go.

The third drug hurt as it entered my body. A weird stingy/throbbing pain. I did get used to it and the heat from the hottie bottles helped. So there was nothing to do but wait. The very first time I went to the toilet after the chemo started, my urine had already turned a red tinge but since then I am pleased to say it has gone back to normal. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. Slowly the room filled with beeping sounds as people's chemo treatments finished or they needed their next drug. I flinched every time there was a beep.....No body else even battered an eye lid.

People started to leave and new people came in and took their place. Was a little bit shocking for me as a first timer seeing how many people go through a day. I hope to become friends with some. I have already eyed up a couple of ladies who were so lovely to me that I think I will become friends with. The talk between the ladies was the 'Look Good Feel Better' Workshop that the Cancer society does for ladies that are going through chemo. We were all filling out our registration forms together and getting quite excited :) The workshop is a fun event, that is designed to boost our self esteem. The volunteers go through skin care regimes and give guidance on how to apply cosmetics. They talk about hair loss, loss of eyebrows, eye lashes, skin colour fluctuations and other side effects of some treatments. They talk about wearing wigs, turbans and scarves as well. Its basically just a wee treat for us and a good way for us to meet each other and I really cant wait for it!!

I was talking to my Nurse about Hair loss and she has said that I might not lose my hair with the dose I am receiving!! She has said that some people who are having the same treatment as me lost no hair but others hair thinned out. She said if it starts thinning, that I should just shave it. So I am going to just wait and see how things go after a couple of treatments. Every time I see a stray hair on my pillow or in the basin I have a little freak out haha and then I run my hands through my hair to see if its happening. Pretty ridiculous really. It probably wouldn't happen that quickly as I am only into day two of my cancer treatment.

My Brother Kris and his beautiful Girlfriend Hannah joined us in the Chemo room and I was so surprised to see him. He is not a fan of hospitals but it was so nice to have them there with me as my first treatment drew to a close. My machine beeped and my treatment was done. I didn't feel any different, just a little tired. About 200mls of Saline was pumped through to finish it off and then I was good to go. As my nurse pulled out the needle from my arm she said that I "had to go home and practice being a princess." She was so sweet. I went to the loo one last time and then we all headed for some ice cream.

I HAD to wear sunnies because even before leaving the hospital, I was finding that I was extremely light sensitive. I sat and ate my heart out and was so stoked that I felt so good. I went back to my Mums and between leaving town and getting to my Mums house in Stoke, I started to feel a little groggy. I lay on the couch and before I knew it, I was asleep.

I woke to a major headache and achy body and eyes. I had to get all the curtains shut because my eyes hurt so much. I just felt like drinking a heap of water and I was going to the toilet every 5 seconds. I definitely was not feeling the best. I went back to sleep and waited for Cam to pick me up. When he got to me I was at my worst. Take the flu/head cold and times it by ten and thats how I was feeling. I was actually feeling hungry though which I was surprised about. We got home and I got straight to bed. The polariods in this blog were taken when I was feeling my worst. Cam made me tea and I ate it with no problems. I stayed in bed for the rest of the evening and night. I didn't sleep very well last night, which the nurse told me to expect. I wasn't feeling rank, I just couldn't sleep.

This morning I woke feeling a little queasy but I was able to start my anti-nausea meds and I felt much better since. I spent the morning in Bed but have actually been good this afternoon. Prepared for a Photo shoot I have tomorrow and did little things around the house. I guess I now wait to see what other side effects I get. Would be stoked if that was it! I can handle what happened. I was expecting to feel so much worse.

With a bottle of water by my side at all times and Kiwi Crush in the freezer I am prepared for how I will be feeling following treatments. This is when I thank you all for your messages. Such lovely things have been said to me and I really appreciate it all. I have amazing Family and an incredible Boyfriend who I know this has been the hardest for and they are taking such good care of me. I am off to Duncan Bay in the Sounds with the Family and my good friend Stacey this weekend for a little relaxing get away which I am really looking forward to. No cell phone reception for a couple of days sounds like bliss! Kayaking and eating it is! Take care of one another and enjoy this beautiful weather we are having! Lots of love. A.x

A week to Remember.

I have an abundance of memories from the last week. Probably the most emotional and hectic week to date.

I left early Saturday (7th) morning to Picton to Catch a boat to Furneaux Lodge to Photograph a Wedding. It was awesome to be a part of and such an amazing location. The weather held off for the day but when we woke the next day there was a storm brewing!! Our boat arrived to take us back to Picton and the Boat driver said that we shouldn't really be on the water and needed to get going....! Great!! Made it safely though and Cam collected me and we headed straight to Christchurch. Felt like such a super star flinging from place to place!!

We got to Christchurch and headed round to our friend Stacey's house. She is wonderful and had organised a little fundraiser for me. We rocked on up and surprised everyone and it was so good to see all that were there. I am yet to find the words that describe what it feels like to have people give so much of themselves to help you out....Their time, generosity, love and their hair. Theres not a word that can tell you all how I grateful I am for everything that you have done for me. Its not just in terms of people at the Fundraiser but to all those that have sent emails, texts, baking, flowers and popped round just to see how I am through out everything. I will be forever grateful and hope that one day I can help out each of you as you have done for me.

These are the Gentlemen that gave up a little bit of themselves in order to raise money for me. Brendon, Daniel and Matthew.

It was such a good night and a lot of laughs!! The next day I had a blood test and an ovary ultra sound to see how my eggs were doing and if I was ready for harvesting. I was definitely ready to go!! I had walked around for the past few weeks feeling very heavy and at nights feeling rather puffy.

It was quite interesting hearing peoples reactions when I said that I was feeling uncomfortable, especially those who have had been through child birth. "You dont know what it feels like to be bloated etc" were said often and it got to the point where I felt like saying "Ok well you inject this months worth of injections and then get back to me." No way was I saying that I could relate to being pregnant but yes I was really uncomfortable and despite having had the eggs harvested, I still am! Please - any Woman that have been through IVF back me up!!!!???

The Nurses told me to take my stopper injection and booked me in for Wednesday. It all sort of hit me after that and I realised that Cam and I were soon to be parents...Not your typical parents but parents nonetheless. We went out for tea the night before and I ate a whole pizza in preparation for not being able to eat the next day :)

We arrived early and they did all the usual tests, which always start with me repeating my name, address and D.O.B. The first drug they gave me was in the form of a little pill that would make me feel like I "have had a few wines...." The nurse left me to get changed in to a sexy gown and between going to the toilet to get changed and leaving the toilet the pill had definitely worked. I was giggling and could just string a sentence together. The nurse came back and asked if I was feeling ok to which I remember responding to with simply a smile. She asked me to repeat my details once more (which was REALLY hard) and she walked me down to the operating room.

With Cam in toe, we walked into the room where our babies would be made.....haha. 

I got all set up on the bed and they explained to me how the procedure would go etc etc and then the nurse gave me the morphine. Well that was the end of any recollection I had of that day....! The last thing I remember is saying "Woah" as the Morphine circulated my system. The rest is a blur.

I came to in the recovery room propt up in a lazy boy with a blanket and Cam sitting at my feet. I didn't get knocked out by the drugs but my memory has been completely wiped. I was talking to the doctors as they collected the eggs but I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. Feeling a little dopey and quite queasy, I lay still until the nurse came in. She could see that I wasn't feeling the best and gave me a little pill to help with the sick feeling. They were extremely happy with outcome and the nurses were quite excited for me. 13 eggs were collected and that stage 7 embryos had matured and they were going to keep an eye on them over the next couple of days. We left the Fertility Clinic after a couple of hours of rest and headed home for more rest. I felt slow on it for the next couple of days but compared to how I was expecting to feel, it wasn't too bad at all. 

The next day I went and pampered myself with my friend Catherine who was getting married and her gorgeous sister Alex. We went and had a pedicure and manicure - It was so amazing! We then went to the Wedding rehearsal and the Wedding excitement kicked in!! No need for sugar, we were bouncing off the walls with excitement. We went out for dinner with the Family of the Bride and groom and the rest of the Wedding party that night. I have to admit, I probably over did it that day considering what I had done to me the day before. The only was to describe how I felt is that it felt like I REALLY needed to go number twos all the time! So strange. Cam kept reminding me that I would be really bruised etc and I needed to take it easy. 

The next day was Wedding day. When Miss Catherine Lyttle became Catherine Watson. The Wedding of Catherine and Alex was actually the most stunning day ever. It was amazing from start to finish and I adored being her Bridesmaid. 

After the week that I had I was more than ready to come home but knew that reality would hit when I did. 

On Wednesday the Eighteenth, at Ten O'clock I will be having my first round of Chemo.

Although I know that it will be ok, I am absolutely packing myself. The thing I am struggling with the most is not wanting to let clients down and feeling like Im slipping back. Im always working towards something and wanting to feel like I am reaching goals and lately I feel like I cant get anywhere while having Cancer. It feels like theres always an appointment to go to or a test to have. I kick myself when I think like that because I hate to feel like the Cancer is slowing me down. I also hate that I can admit to feeling like that.....But I guess that its all a part of of this Journey and I have to expect ups and expect downs. I just dont want to let this alter my hard work but I might just have to take a step back for a while....This year Cam and I were aiming to be making the move to Australia. There were a couple of Studios that I had eyed up to apply at. Its something we will be doing when I get the all clear. Next year. Thats the goal. I want to be overseas somewhere working in the Photography Industry. I dont care if I'm working for somebody - just to get some different experience would be amazing. Travel! Its all I want to do!! 

Without further ado, let me introduce you to our 5 wee embryo babies:

We originally had 7 but only 5 lasted the distance. An amazing results considering they have also frozen 5 of my eggs as well. We have joked over the last couple of days as we showed our friends and family this photo. We have established that the 3 on the left are children that will be like me, organised and in order and the two on the right will most definitely be like Cam. Crazy and a little bit spastic at times haha 

As I face this week, I will remember the good moments I had last week and remember all the kind and wonderful things you have all said and done for me. Also "Raindrops Keep falling on my head" is my new anthem. I especially love these lyrics: "But there's one thing I know The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me!" :) 

I will blog once I have had my first treatment and let you know how it all goes. Thank you all for being the Wonderful people you are. A.x

Pins and Needles....without the Pins.

WARNING: There are photos of me injecting myself. If you are afraid of needles, then best you dont look :)

I dragged my needle hating lover out of bed this morning to document what has become my daily routine. 8:20am every morning I inject myself. I cant say why is become that time, it just has. The aim for this blog is to share the routine and to also give you an outline of what "Hodgkins Lymphoma" is.


When I was first diagnosed, a lot of people would say to me "is that the bad one??" when I told them what I had.....I never really knew how to react to that and kind of didn't know what they meant by it. Any form of Cancer is not ideal to be completely honest!! I would rather have no form!! BUT after finding out exactly what Cancer I had and the differences between "Non-Hodgkins" and "Hodgkins Lymphoma", I understood peoples reactions.

"Lymphoma" is the general term for cancers that develop in the lymphatic system.Lymphoma originates from lymphocytes that have gone through a malignant change. They multiply without any order, forming tumors, which are made up of cancer cells. These tumors cause swelling in the Lymph nodes and other parts of the body. After a while, Lymphoma cells crowd out normal Lymphocytes and eventually the immune system becomes weakened and can no longer function properly. There are actually 35 different types of Lymphoma currently. Five of these sub-types belong to a group of diseases called Hodgkin Lymphoma and all the others are grouped together under non-Hodgkin Lymphomas. About 75 New Zealanders per year are diagnosed with Hodgkins Lymphoma (Dont know where the hell I got my first statistic in the first blog haha,) most commonly between the ages of 15-30 years and 50-70 years.

Hodgkin Lymphoma may affect a single lymph node or a group of lymph node or can affect other part of the body such as the spleen, liver and bone marrow. In more advanced stages, Hodgkins Lymphoma can spread via the lymphatic system and the blood, to almost any part of the body. DONT FREAK OUT!! I have Stage 2B Nodular Sclerosing Hodgkins Lymphoma, which just means that the Cancer is in two groups of lymph nodes. In my case, my neck and in my chest. The B means that I have the symptoms associated with the Cancer. These include fever, night sweats, unexplained weight loss and itching of the skin.

When I found out I had Cancer, I wanted to know what I had done to get the Cancer and where I had gone wrong. I like to think I am a healthy person....in terms of my diet. Sure I have no problem admitting I like the odd KFC hit but I do eat healthy. The only thing really that lets me down is the fact that I dont exercise....L to the AZY.

They dont really know what causes Hodgkins Lymphoma. They do know its not contagious....!!!! There is some evidence that people are more at risk of developing HL if their Immune system has been weakened either by a VIRAL infection such as HIV (Happy to say that I dont have Aids!) or as a result of the use of drugs which affect the function of the Immune system. These drugs are commonly ones used when someone has an organ transplant. This made perfect sense in my case. I had Viral Meningitis when I was about 3 years old and also had a very lengthy period where I had Glandular fever. So basically I am F****D! Haha When I think about it, no wonder my Immune system is shot! We have no family history of this particular Cancer and that is often the case with Hodgkins Lymphoma Patients.

I dont know much about Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma but I do know that it can rapidly spread and if you have that form of Cancer, you have a high Chance of it becoming Leukemia also.

I met my support Nurse last week :) She is lovely. She is basically there to support me and answer any questions I might have and also if I need any help getting to and from appointments etc. It was so great to talk to her and I loved how honest she was. She warned me of a few things that I had already picked on with people and how they react to finding out. It was just good to know that I wasnt wrong with how I felt with certain things.

We spoke a bit about Chemo. When I think about Chemo, I feel sick and want to cry a little. I am scared, even though I know that I am going to be ok and could be going through a lot worse of a treatment plan. I am SO lucky with the treatment plan I will be receiving.

I received a letter from my Doctor that she puts together for my GP and Fertility Doctor, following the PET scan in Christchurch which went as follows "The plan once her Fertility treatment is complete, is for six cycles of ABVD chemotherapy and on completion of this, she will almost certainly require consolidation radiotherapy for three to six weeks down in Christchurch.".......Gee Willy! I am really hoping that the Chemo will be enough to get rid of the Bastard.

My nurse went through some of the side effects that I could expect. Things like Nausea and vomiting I expected but there were some things that I wasn't expecting.

The thing that surprised me the most was how much my mouth could be affected. Changes in taste and smell and also a thing called Mucositis all can occur during Chemo. Mucositis is inflammation of the lining of the mouth and throat. The aim of Chemo is to attack fast growing cells (which is what cancer is) and your mouth area is made up of those cells, so it takes a bit of a beating. Oral Hygiene is extremely important but I am a bit of freak with that already so I am sure I will have no problem. Hair loss is something that I am ready for. I know of a guy that was Diagnosed with the same thing as me the week I found out that I might have it. He has had about 3 rounds of chemo already and has had limited side effects. Hasn't even started to lose his hair so that gives me a bit of hope that I might not have to much trouble with side effects. I know everyone is different but heres hoping that all will be smooth sailing :)

My Nurse also told me about the sickness benefit etc. While I should be fine with working through the treatment she said I should definitely check out how much I am intitled to incase I have a bad time with side effects etc. This meant having to go into WINZ and picking up a form. The first time I went in the place was packed! There was no way I was waiting round....Hate to sound up myself but I felt quite uncomfortable in there...So I left. I decided to go to a different and smaller branch.

In I went the second time and there was no one around!! YES I thought! I will be in and out with no problems. I went to the reception and a lady came over. I will be completely honest and say she looked like she couldn't give a S**T and didn't wanna be there. Made me a little nervous. I said "Hi. Im here to pick up a Sickness benefit form." Said sweetly and with a smile. She just stopped in her tracks and stared at me....Im not joking. Looked me up and down and hesitated. GREAT! A mexican stand off in WINZ! I stared back waiting for her to give me the form. She hesitated some more and I could tell she was thinking "You dont look like you need it." So I just said what I hate saying. "I HAVE CANCER AND WILL BE STARTING CHEMO IN JANUARY.".....She started walking towards me a little bit more, still eye balling me. She got the form and before handing it to me she held it close to her body and gave me one last scan before saying "You do realise you will need a doctors certificate to prove you are sick...." I could not believe what I was hearing. I grabbed the form and walked out. My Nurse had warned me about going into WINZ and now I know why. I considered ringing and complaining but I left in such a rush I didn't think to look at her name badge or anything and really I just couldn't be bothered as it probably wouldn't change her attitude.

I also thought that she probably deals with all sorts and lets be honest I wouldn't like to have her job. I decided that its just one of those things and I will not let it bother me! It just amazes me that people can judge so easily. You pass someone in the street and you have no idea what is going on in their life. I have made such an effort to remember this. Apart from that everything has been great.

I have had no problems taking my injections. I have found that I cant stick the needle into the left side of my tummy. For some reason its a heap more sensitive than the right. I can just stick the needle in without feeling it now :) PRO!!! My friend finally decided to show her face. A week late but thats ok. We will let it slide. I have a blood test next week to see how my levels are looking and then we will start different drugs to prep me for my egg harvesting. The egg harvesting wont be happening till about the 9/01/12, which means my chemo start date will be pushed back as-well. Not bothered.

I am plodding along and have lots of exciting shoots coming up!! We were fine during the recent floods here in Nelson. Have to admit it felt weird to be in another State of Emergency. Was a scary time for a lot of people!! We had a bit of flooding up our sreet but nothing serious :) Was a little annoying and freaked me out with having so many shoots coming up, I just wanted the rain to stop!!! Christmas in a Week :) I am getting excited now. Mainly for the food and good old fashioned family fun. Cam and I managed to get all our Christmas shopping done yesterday. What a relief!!!

The above photo proves to the cynics that I do have something to stick the needle into it!! I know I have lost a bit of weight but I eat enough food to make sure theres something left haha I havent really noticed much change in my body since starting the injections. My Boobs are fuller....Not bigger, just feel fuller somehow. Also my ovaries are FULL! To the point where the other night I was feeling quite uncomfortable and I felt the ovary area and I was so bloated. FULL OF BABIES!! My fiend Phily said yesterday "Look at you walking towards me with those full ovaries." Haha it made me laugh so much. I like it that we can laugh. Through it all, there is reason to laugh and that is because Life is so good!! Laughing about it all makes it easier and if it helps others, feel free to crack jokes about my ovaries. Not quite at the joking stage with Cancer just yet but knowing me and my family we will get there.

And that my friends is the last photo to show my daily routine. Not very exciting really. Done and dusted in about 2 minutes. FYI - I have tried making the photos bigger but this is as good as it gets. You can click on the photos to make them bigger if your abit of a needle freak and wanna take a closer look :)

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. I hope its been an interesting read and you have learnt something. I just want people to understand what I have. Saves the questions :)

If I dont blog before Christmas, I want to take the opportunity now to wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. If you are traveling, be safe! Enjoy the company you keep and fine wine you drink! I havent had a drink since finding out about the bastard and will treating myself to a few tipples on Christmas :) will probably sit me on my arse!!! But really, I hope you have a lovely Christmas. This year has been a real shitter of a year! No censoring that one because its the truth. I dont like wishing my time away but I cant wait to see the back side of 2011. It has been a year that has changed my life, much like a lot of people. It will be one we never forget! Heres to 2012! The year of new beginnings and kicking some serious Cancer Arse!!

Love to each and everyone of you! A.x

All I want for Christmas......?

My Blog has become quite the topic of conversation lately. People say that they admire my honesty and my ability to be so open. Yes. I am a VERY open person. I have no problem saying things about myself that most people would be able to say. This has become a bit of problem. I was sitting with my Mum after Cam and I got back from Christchurch yesterday and I was telling her about my trip.
It basically consisted of Periods.....Ovaries.....and semen samples. Mum looked at me and said "Oh you wont put that on your blog will you?" I caught myself mid sentence and thought hmmmmmm I wonder how much detail is acceptable/what people actually want to know about me. Where do I draw the line....I have decided to talk about all that happened on out trip to Christchurch because I know a lot of you genuinely like knowing what is happening. I just want any of you that might not want to know all the details now, so you dont read :)

 We had kind of forgotten is was December and nearing to Christmas until we arrived in Christchurch and went to Riccarton Mall.....CHAOS! They had people directing you where to go to get parks and it was insanely busy inside. The Christmas madness had begun. We havent even started our Christmas Shopping which is typical. We have compiled a list of things we have thought of getting people but that is as far as it goes. This year I am a little bit Team Ba Humbug. I am looking forward to being surrounded by my beautiful Family and eating my heart out but just the whole Christmas thing is a little bit to much to handle at the moment.

The purpose of the trip was for me to learn about how to take the Fertility Drugs. One thing we have learnt very quickly is that things NEVER work out how you expect and things are always a little more complicated. We arrived to the fertility appointment and sat down in the waiting room Either side of us we had to strollers with children inside. The parents would have been in their mid - late 30's. In pop Cam and I who are obviously a little younger, Me in a singlet, jeans + jandles and Cam in his favourite, WELL LOVED/Holey jeans and a shirt with ACID written across it.....Really Cameron! The one time we should probably look like we are well rounded, mature young adults and you chose to wear that shirt. I know they probably weren't but I felt the other couples in the waiting room looking at us. Not married, young adults at a fertility clinic. I felt like saying "I wouldn't normally hang out here but I have Cancer...." Its just amazing how easy it is to judge a book by its cover and as I write this I realise that I probably judged them just as quickly as they judged me...

The children stared too. I know thats what kids do but it just made me chuckle. It was like our fate was staring at us one last time, making sure we knew what we were doing before we signed all the paper work and jumped feet first into this Fertility Pool.

Our names were called and in we went. I cannot fault the Doctors that I have had the privilege of meeting so far. Each one unique but they are all doing their absolute best and making me feel like this is going smoothly. We went through all the documents and signed the many dotted lines. This was basically to say we understood the procedures that would follow and also in the case of either one of passing away, what would we want each other to do with the Embryos. If everything wasn't heavy enough!!! This was also a big appointment for us as we were telling the Doctor what way we wanted to go, which was Embryo Freezing. I wouldn't say there was a lot of pressure, but when we first met the Doctor she was very strong on the point that Cam and I are young and not married and that things can change over time blah blah blah and that later on down the track we might not be together and that leaves embryos to fight over etc etc. I understand that it is their job to say all these things but this WASNT something that we thought over for 5 minutes. We have talked about it and Marriage and children was where we were heading anyway.

Once all the questions had been asked and answered and everything was signed they sprung an Ovary ultrasound on me......Yup.....Up goes the probe and they look around at your goodies aka the ovaries. I have lovely ovaries apparently, Jam packed with eggs. In fact I had 12 on one side and 15 on the other. Good time to make a baby! We were under the understanding that I was due to start my period on the 6th, which is when I ALWAYS get it and my bloods were showing we were on track. I was given my needles + drugs and was shown how to inject them. I just grab a little tummy fat and stick the needle into that and its done :) So we left on the understanding that my period would come in a coule of days and that I would start the injection.......

A few days passed and we were actually meant to go back to Nelson on Sunday but I got a call from the Radiology doctors saying that they needed me for a PET Scan on the Tuesday. The radioactive scans can only be done in Christchurch and the Radioactive injection is flown down from Wellington the morning it will be used. Cam also got the dreaded call to say that he was required to do the all important Semen Sample.....We knew I had the goods and now it was up to Cam to keep his end of the bargain. He did the sample on the Tuesday morning before my appointment. Turns out we both had a little bit of stage fright that day haha. I was due to start my period but there was still no sign of it so I had a blood test and it showed that I am not going to get it for at least another week....This screwed everything up. My Injections and also possibly my Chemo start date. The nurse said that this is normal under the circumstances. That my body is going through and processing a lot and its a little stressed. Crazy what can change!!

It came time for Cammy to do his sample and all went smoothly....He will admit though that it was a lot of pressure and that he did have a little bit of stage fright. Understandable!! Im having stage fright without even knowing it. I then headed for the scan.

A PET scan is basically a CT scan but they inject a Radioactive compound that is attracted to masses such as tumors and can show the energy consumption rather than just its structure, So this would show up any other little bits of cancer that I might have in my body. Because the injection was a sugar substance I had to sit completely still for an hour after the injection. Sugar naturally goes to muscles that are moving, so to prevent these muscles from taking up the radioactive sugar and obscuring normal areas, I had to be still. I was mighty comfortable and even fell asleep. They had a nice lazy boy chair for me and I got to wear a Sexy hospital gown :) After the hour was up I went and had my scan. All went well and they said I had "really nice pictures" which sounds good but I guess I dont really understand what that means....haha We drove back to Nelson the next day.

I am getting quite tired with all that is going on and I really try my best to get a good nights sleep but lately it has been hard. Its not like I am worrying about things, I just cant switch my brain off. My new Fertility Drugs arrived today and I injected myself for the first time this morning while the Nurse from the Fertility Associates talked me through it on the phone. I hesitated for a bit and it was hard to shove the needle into my stomach. Its so unnatural but I have done it now! Now we wait.....See how my levels go and if my period decides to show. This will determine when I will have my eggs harvested and then when I will start Chemo. So a bit of a waiting game but in the mean time I get to stick myself with needles. Cant complain :)

 Seeing all our Beautiful friends in Christchurch was just what we needed. It was so good to see you all and I hope it helped you to see me as much as it helped me seeing you. I will be seeing you all again soon. Now something a little bit cute to leave you with after all the period talk. As we were driving home from Christchurch Cam turned to me and said very sweetly "Once our baby is frozen, does that technically mean we celebrate Mothers Day?" I dont think so Cammy but if you wanna buy me flowers I wont object. I love that Man.

I hope you all are more organised than I am with all this Christmas kerfuffle. Enjoy it with the ones you love. A.x

 PS: Some of you have emailed asking me if I have taken the photos for my blog posts and the answer is yes :) If you want to pop on over to my Photography page on Facebook, Click HERE. If you like what you see, I would very much appreciate you show me some love and click like. Feel free to share with Family and friends.

Baby Talk & Chemotherapy....

It has been 5 days since my last blog entry and it has had almost 800 people read it....To say I have been overwhelmed would be a major understatement. Overwhelmed just does not cut it. The outpouring of support and kind words has been really emotional to receive. Emails from complete strangers saying that they admire my strength and are sending me positive vibes has been really overwhelming for me. I have struggled with knowing what to say, as there really is no words to describe how it feels to feel so loved and cared for. There is also no amount of times I can say Thank you, to make you understand how grateful I am.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! 

I could say it a million times and it still would never be enough! The last two days have been the hardest for me so far. No, I havent wallowed in a corner and no, I havent stayed in bed for two days straight (although it has been tempting.) I have just quietly processed all that I have been told and all that I have been talking about for last 4 weeks as it becomes a reality.
"Yeah, I will have about 6 months of Chemo" I say.....Then my mind catches up with what I have just said and it realizes that I actually have to do that....Its not just words anymore. I have felt like I am out of my body. Im sure to some that would sound crazy but for those of you who have experienced it, you will know exactly what I mean. I feel like I am sitting up in the corner of the room I am in and I am watching myself move about, continuing with daily routine.

I went for a drive with my good friend, Philippa last night and she pointed out that although I havent lost someone, I have lost a little part of myself through this experience and I am grieving. A light bulb went off and everything she was saying made sense. I am grieving. In some weird way I am.

Cam and I had our first fertility appointment yesterday and I must say it was such a huge eye opener for me. I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone that is reading this who has been through IVF. What an incredible and emotional roller coaster. I am lucky enough to have my treatments funded and I have to admit that I feel a little bad that I am so lucky......For those that cant have children and have to pay for these treatments and then for them not to work out must be so heartbreaking....I learnt so much and I dont know what I was expecting but its so much more complicated than I could have ever imagined.

Cam has been so amazing.

Poor boy picked a dud when he picked me!! haha I kid. Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions people make in their lives.....when your ready. Cam and I have had to think about our entire future together + our children. Its not something that we have never spoken about but its definitely something that we havent gone into great detail about. "How many children would you like? What names do you like?" are pretty much as far as we have ever gotten and even then, no real decision making was needed as it was only what ifs. Call me old fashioned but I always thought that my wedding day would be what I would be deciding first, not the future of my children.

We were given two options. The first was just the egg freezing and storage which would only require me and the second was egg harvesting, with embryo freezing which would of course require both of us to give up the goods....Haha. Cam couldn't help but chuckle whenever the Doctor would say "SEMEN SAMPLE!!!" The laughing stopped however when she told us that we were required to both go for a blood test after the appointment. I didn't bat an eye lid but Cam was not overly excited. I had never realised just how much he hates getting blood tests. I thought that he would be fine aslong as he didn't watch so I would keep him distracted. How wrong was I!! The poor boy went so white and a little gray and started sweating during the blood tests and not once did he look at the needle. I felt so bad for him as I didn't realise just how bad he takes them. After a lie down, a drink of water and a cold napkin on his head, he was back to normal and off we went to treat ourselves to Ice Cream, as our first step to securing our children's future was completed.

I have to go down to Christchurch to learn how to take the drugs for the treatment. Its done through self injection and NO Cam wont be helping me haha. This will most likely be happening at the end of the week. I have to wait for my period to come and go (Sorry to all the men that are reading this) and then I can start the drugs and then from there I will go back down to Christchurch once the eggs are ready and I will have them removed. The process is not to painful when it happens but I have been told that after it can be quite painful. I am sure its nothing I cant handle. Us Women are built tough :)

Today I met with my Doctor to talk Chemo! Woo!!! I <3 my Doctor. She is so very genuine and honest. I appreciate it!! So I will have my first round of Chemo on Wednesday the Eleventh of January, Two thousand and Twelve. Before any of you go "Gosh thats ages away!!!" Really it sounds like it is but with all this fertility kerfuffle going to take about a month, its a realistic date. Also I have a Wedding that I am photographing on the 7th which I am NOT missing because it something I have been looking forward to for forever!! My Doctor has reassured me that I dont need to worry. I am not showing any signs of being really unwell. Yes I have cancer but I am not really sick. I am happy with this date and outcome so if you still feel that its ages away at least know that I am ok and I am happy. At least I know now where I am headed. The limbo has ended and I have direction. THANK GOODNESS!


Also I am super stoked - I get a wig!!! I cant wait to go hairstyle shopping. I would love any ideas (no joking please!) as to what you think I would suit etc. Im thinking of a bob or long straight hair.....Jeepers I am so excited. With all the garbage that comes with this experience there are still things that get me excited and getting a wig is one of them!!!

While this is all daunting, I am slowly coming to terms with everything and I understand that its ok to not be ok. I also know that I will be ok. I have truly felt such strength over the last few weeks from everyones support and messages.The prayers, healing vibes and just simply the words have all helped and I appreciate each and everyone of you. You inspire me. I thank you for inspiring me. There is a lot left to my life and I am excited for my future and the things I will achieve. This year in itself has been huge for me. I have set myself up with my Photography Business with nothing but positivity. It has been hard and Im not completely there yet but I have gotten to this point. It just shows that you can really do anything you put your mind to and if you want something to happen, you make it become a reality. I am living the dream.

I love what I do and I do what I love. A.x