Baby Talk & Chemotherapy....

It has been 5 days since my last blog entry and it has had almost 800 people read it....To say I have been overwhelmed would be a major understatement. Overwhelmed just does not cut it. The outpouring of support and kind words has been really emotional to receive. Emails from complete strangers saying that they admire my strength and are sending me positive vibes has been really overwhelming for me. I have struggled with knowing what to say, as there really is no words to describe how it feels to feel so loved and cared for. There is also no amount of times I can say Thank you, to make you understand how grateful I am.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! 

I could say it a million times and it still would never be enough! The last two days have been the hardest for me so far. No, I havent wallowed in a corner and no, I havent stayed in bed for two days straight (although it has been tempting.) I have just quietly processed all that I have been told and all that I have been talking about for last 4 weeks as it becomes a reality.
"Yeah, I will have about 6 months of Chemo" I say.....Then my mind catches up with what I have just said and it realizes that I actually have to do that....Its not just words anymore. I have felt like I am out of my body. Im sure to some that would sound crazy but for those of you who have experienced it, you will know exactly what I mean. I feel like I am sitting up in the corner of the room I am in and I am watching myself move about, continuing with daily routine.

I went for a drive with my good friend, Philippa last night and she pointed out that although I havent lost someone, I have lost a little part of myself through this experience and I am grieving. A light bulb went off and everything she was saying made sense. I am grieving. In some weird way I am.

Cam and I had our first fertility appointment yesterday and I must say it was such a huge eye opener for me. I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone that is reading this who has been through IVF. What an incredible and emotional roller coaster. I am lucky enough to have my treatments funded and I have to admit that I feel a little bad that I am so lucky......For those that cant have children and have to pay for these treatments and then for them not to work out must be so heartbreaking....I learnt so much and I dont know what I was expecting but its so much more complicated than I could have ever imagined.

Cam has been so amazing.

Poor boy picked a dud when he picked me!! haha I kid. Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions people make in their lives.....when your ready. Cam and I have had to think about our entire future together + our children. Its not something that we have never spoken about but its definitely something that we havent gone into great detail about. "How many children would you like? What names do you like?" are pretty much as far as we have ever gotten and even then, no real decision making was needed as it was only what ifs. Call me old fashioned but I always thought that my wedding day would be what I would be deciding first, not the future of my children.

We were given two options. The first was just the egg freezing and storage which would only require me and the second was egg harvesting, with embryo freezing which would of course require both of us to give up the goods....Haha. Cam couldn't help but chuckle whenever the Doctor would say "SEMEN SAMPLE!!!" The laughing stopped however when she told us that we were required to both go for a blood test after the appointment. I didn't bat an eye lid but Cam was not overly excited. I had never realised just how much he hates getting blood tests. I thought that he would be fine aslong as he didn't watch so I would keep him distracted. How wrong was I!! The poor boy went so white and a little gray and started sweating during the blood tests and not once did he look at the needle. I felt so bad for him as I didn't realise just how bad he takes them. After a lie down, a drink of water and a cold napkin on his head, he was back to normal and off we went to treat ourselves to Ice Cream, as our first step to securing our children's future was completed.

I have to go down to Christchurch to learn how to take the drugs for the treatment. Its done through self injection and NO Cam wont be helping me haha. This will most likely be happening at the end of the week. I have to wait for my period to come and go (Sorry to all the men that are reading this) and then I can start the drugs and then from there I will go back down to Christchurch once the eggs are ready and I will have them removed. The process is not to painful when it happens but I have been told that after it can be quite painful. I am sure its nothing I cant handle. Us Women are built tough :)

Today I met with my Doctor to talk Chemo! Woo!!! I <3 my Doctor. She is so very genuine and honest. I appreciate it!! So I will have my first round of Chemo on Wednesday the Eleventh of January, Two thousand and Twelve. Before any of you go "Gosh thats ages away!!!" Really it sounds like it is but with all this fertility kerfuffle going to take about a month, its a realistic date. Also I have a Wedding that I am photographing on the 7th which I am NOT missing because it something I have been looking forward to for forever!! My Doctor has reassured me that I dont need to worry. I am not showing any signs of being really unwell. Yes I have cancer but I am not really sick. I am happy with this date and outcome so if you still feel that its ages away at least know that I am ok and I am happy. At least I know now where I am headed. The limbo has ended and I have direction. THANK GOODNESS!


Also I am super stoked - I get a wig!!! I cant wait to go hairstyle shopping. I would love any ideas (no joking please!) as to what you think I would suit etc. Im thinking of a bob or long straight hair.....Jeepers I am so excited. With all the garbage that comes with this experience there are still things that get me excited and getting a wig is one of them!!!

While this is all daunting, I am slowly coming to terms with everything and I understand that its ok to not be ok. I also know that I will be ok. I have truly felt such strength over the last few weeks from everyones support and messages.The prayers, healing vibes and just simply the words have all helped and I appreciate each and everyone of you. You inspire me. I thank you for inspiring me. There is a lot left to my life and I am excited for my future and the things I will achieve. This year in itself has been huge for me. I have set myself up with my Photography Business with nothing but positivity. It has been hard and Im not completely there yet but I have gotten to this point. It just shows that you can really do anything you put your mind to and if you want something to happen, you make it become a reality. I am living the dream.

I love what I do and I do what I love. A.x