My Parting words with Cancer.

Cancer.

You roll off my tongue so easily these days.

In the beginning, when I was diagnosed, I couldn't even say your name without getting upset.

Its the only word that will fill me with fear but make me smile at the same time.

We have become well acquainted. You and I.

Always knowing you are there. So close to me. But always keeping you at arms length.
Not wanting to let you too close.

I have a confession. I have used you.

Yes.

There you go. Thinking that you were in control. That may have been the case for a wee while but once I realised that you had creeped up on me, I decided to perform some trickery.

I used you to my advantage.

I used you to find myself and get lost in my thoughts and feelings.

I used you to meet amazing people.

I must thank you for coming into my life.

Although at first I couldn't understand why you had to show your unpleasant face.
I choose to only see the good in you. To see the experiences you offer.

Of course I long for the day where you dont get the chance to affect peoples lives. Because you are nasty and frankly, you are a piece of shit.

Thank you for helping me realise who I am. Shredding me of my insecurities and worries.

You leave me with confidence and a true sense of self.

For so long I have battled with self confidence and worrying what others thought of me. Seems so silly now.

Having had to leave these insecurities behind as I lost my appearance and I became foreign to others and myself. As I met strangers who turned into my favourite people,  who were working to get rid of you. As I occasionally crumbled under the pressure.

Thank you for knocking me back and stripping me down. I have seen a side to life that I dont wish on anyone. and yet I am so grateful.

You changed everything about me. My mind. My body. My face. My ability to feel. My ability to think.

And it has been tough.

But as I come out the other side - I smile.

As the weight returns and I feel the food I eat. The chemo diet is not longer needed as I feel the energy to exercise return.

My face shape is almost back to normal and I dont look gaunt.

I laugh when I catch my reflection. For a split second I think to myself "Jeepers who's the chunky monkey?" And then I catch myself. No. It is me. Except Im not sick. I am normal.

I look forward to my luscious eyebrows & eyelashes returning. You have made me appreciate my eyebrows. You were a wee bit cruel. You took enough of them to make me look strange but not enough so people would know that I am sick.

You have given me a gift to see the beauty in everything. Even in you. A killer.

You have not won this battle. Beating you will be one of my greatest achievements.

I know that you are still going to have an impact on my life and will always be in the back of my mind as I go for my check ups. I cant quite rid myself of the thought of you just yet.

I also know that there is a high chance that you will affect the lives of my nearest and dearest in the future. You are already doing so and for that I am not grateful. This wont be our last encounter.
But this is the last time you will affect my body. My mind. My soul.

So this is where I say goodbye.

Goodbye Cancer. Dont let the door hit you on the arse on the way out. Or do. I dont care.

Yours sincerely,

A cancer survivor.

A.x