I am ready.

As the dark eyes, bruises & burns slowly fade.

As the pale, dry skin begins to show life and health.

As the hair begins to grow.

As the showers get longer, while I get used to doing 'normal', everyday things - like washing my hair/fluff and shaving my legs.

I feel a sense of peace and confidence return to my body as I approach yet another week that will change my life.


There have been many moments over the last few weeks, where I have been overwhelmed with a sense of achievement for making it this far. 

I havent felt many other emotions. Putting feelings on hold until I know where I am at.

Processing but not over thinking. Enjoying this time I have with no interruptions.

The taste that I can only describe as battery acid mixed with lemon juice has faded and I enjoy my weekends.

Eating and enjoying the taste of food again.

I am ready. Ready for what ever the outcome. Be it what we want to hear but also the possibility of hearing something we would rather not hear - I.am.ready.

Cam & I are both looking forward to our trip to Christchurch.

Please forgive us if we dont get to see all of you. We aren't wanting to stress ourselves making sure we see everybody.

This for us is a break away. Time to ourselves. 

We are of course wanting to see people but not wanting to make plans.

Rather let things happen as they happen. Going with the flow.

Going with the flow - Something I never understood before being diagnosed. I have had no choice but to let go of the control freak inside of me.

Ask my family and they will tell you that even as a child I needed to know where we were going, who was going to be there, when we would be home etc etc. Some would say I didn't particularly enjoy surprises. 

One year my parents surprised my Brother and I to a trip to Australia. And by surprise I mean, we turned up to the Airport thinking we were just going to the Antarctic Centre and our suitcases were waiting for us. I burst into tears and felt overwhelmed. I didn't like that I had been fooled into thinking something was going to happen and really had no idea what was going on. I of course bombarded my parents with a million questions as we made our way onto the plane. 

Chill out. Slow down and enjoy life. 

Goodbye Control Freak - I am no longer in need of your freakish ways.

I dont know when I will know the outcome of my scan. I am hopeful that by the end of next week we will know. 

Whatever the outcome I am thankful. 

Thankful for the hard times. The anger. The confusion. The tears.

Thankful for the laughter. The good times. The smiles.

Because with the bad, there is always some good. You may have to look hard for the good but its always there.

Always.

I am ready. Bring it on.

A.x