Follow up Feelings.

As the things start to slow down and the dust settles...

"One reason is that you feel threatened. Though Cancer is no longer an immediate danger, it might still feel close by. You may be experiencing feelings of helplessness. During treatment, you and your medical team are busy doing something about the cancer. But when you reach the end of your active treatment phase, even though its obviously what you have been looking for, you can end up feeling lost, even helpless."

Having had my parting words with Cancer - I now am left to pick myself up, dust off my knees and start again.

Others expectations - Expecting you to spring back to life and just go back to normal. Frustrating.

Coming to terms with my new Cancer free status has almost been harder to come to terms with than it was coming to terms with being diagnosed in the first place.


What do I do with myself? Getting used to not having a weight weighing me down is harder than I thought. It still doesn't feel real. 

I just feel a little lost. Its almost like life is overwhelming.

When I get in a rut that I dont understand I research and I search for answers.
Its something I started doing when I got diagnosed.

I have read a few articles and like I always say, its just good to know Im not just being silly and I am not alone in the way I feel.

Going back to normal.....
What is normal?

I have decided to create my own normal.

Changing the way I eat. What I do with my time. Who I spend my time with. My sources of support and Inspiration. My Career.

I had my follow up appointment with Kate last Monday.

I rocked up to my appointment with my Mum, Cam and a list of questions firmly in my hand.

Mum and I started making the list as I neared the end of my treatment, so we wouldn't forget to ask anything.

These questions varied from whether Genetic testing would be worthwhile (my Mum had Lung Cancer near the same age as me) to when I should expect my period to come back. There was about 10 questions and Kate answered them all and put our minds at ease.

In regards to the Genetic testing - there would be no connection to our cancers. We originally wondered if there could be some connection and thought it could be beneficial for the sake of my brother and for my future children. It was good to know that there would be no connection and it was just a strange coincidence rather than something genetic.

So what happens from here??

I have 3 monthly check ups for 2 years. Then 6 monthly check ups till its been 5 years and then once a year from then on. A check up would involve a blood test. No scans. They try to limit the amount of scans you have because having them all the time is not ideal.

We left Kates office with our questions answered. I felt like I should have done something for Kate. She has just been so amazing through out everything and said to me before I left that if I ever feel like something could be wrong or I am ever unsure about anything - that I just need to give her a call. Made me feel at ease. What do you do for someone who has helped you through one of the hardest things you could go through?

We got into the lift to leave and I felt so weird.

I just cant explain how it feels. Yes - I am happy that its over as such but at the same time I wanted to clamber back into Kates office and say "Are you sure its all over??!!" or "Shall we just check one last time??!!"

Snap out of it. I say to myself. Get a grip.

But its hard.

It almost felt like the ending of it all seemed to easy. I was almost waiting for the catch.

But there isn't one.

I have decided to take each day as it comes.

I will spend time outside as much as possible.

I will accept the bad days I may experience.

I am going to be patient.

I am not going to dwell on what has happened.

The biggest thing I am taking away from this, is that I have learnt two things.

What is important to me. and Who I am.

I know myself now. I know what I am capable of.

If I can do this - Then I really can do anything.

Such insight and knowledge is stored away and I know that it will be useful in all aspects of my life.

They say things are sent to try you. And this most certainly has.

Now I need to work out what I want to do.

Life is in my hands and I am going to make the most of it.

{ I beat cancer. Yes. and its slowly sinking in. }

I am loving doing the Calendar.

Meeting so many amazing people.

Its keeping me busy. and keeping a smile on my face.

A.x

Fancy a game of spot the difference?

Had a reminder this morning just what has happened inside of me when my PET scan discs arrived.

The above image is my PET scan taken before I was officially diagnosed.

We knew something was wrong and knew that I probably had Cancer when I went for this scan.

Little did I know just how massive the tumor was.

I know my tumor is not the biggest in the world.

But. Let me tell you. When you see something that size making itself at home inside your body, you feel some what violated.

Compare it with the image below taken a couple of weeks ago.

The big dark grey area that starts in my throat and went into my chest has disappeared.

That is what achievement looks like.

Also want to point out how flippen weird it is seeing the insides of your own body.

There were a number of different pictures and ways to see how the tumor was affecting my body and the main thing that we saw when looking through them was just how much my poor esophagus was being pushed and restricted. 

Heres a before and after in colour. Dont I look pretty!

The left being the before and the right being after.

The green/yellow area in my throat and chest being the tumor.

How amazing is it, that we can see for ourselves just what we have been aiming for and what chemo achieved.

I swell with excitement and smiles when I look at them.

I have spent a bit of time sitting and just staring at the results.

I am one very happy & healthy girl.

A.x

My Parting words with Cancer.

Cancer.

You roll off my tongue so easily these days.

In the beginning, when I was diagnosed, I couldn't even say your name without getting upset.

Its the only word that will fill me with fear but make me smile at the same time.

We have become well acquainted. You and I.

Always knowing you are there. So close to me. But always keeping you at arms length.
Not wanting to let you too close.

I have a confession. I have used you.

Yes.

There you go. Thinking that you were in control. That may have been the case for a wee while but once I realised that you had creeped up on me, I decided to perform some trickery.

I used you to my advantage.

I used you to find myself and get lost in my thoughts and feelings.

I used you to meet amazing people.

I must thank you for coming into my life.

Although at first I couldn't understand why you had to show your unpleasant face.
I choose to only see the good in you. To see the experiences you offer.

Of course I long for the day where you dont get the chance to affect peoples lives. Because you are nasty and frankly, you are a piece of shit.

Thank you for helping me realise who I am. Shredding me of my insecurities and worries.

You leave me with confidence and a true sense of self.

For so long I have battled with self confidence and worrying what others thought of me. Seems so silly now.

Having had to leave these insecurities behind as I lost my appearance and I became foreign to others and myself. As I met strangers who turned into my favourite people,  who were working to get rid of you. As I occasionally crumbled under the pressure.

Thank you for knocking me back and stripping me down. I have seen a side to life that I dont wish on anyone. and yet I am so grateful.

You changed everything about me. My mind. My body. My face. My ability to feel. My ability to think.

And it has been tough.

But as I come out the other side - I smile.

As the weight returns and I feel the food I eat. The chemo diet is not longer needed as I feel the energy to exercise return.

My face shape is almost back to normal and I dont look gaunt.

I laugh when I catch my reflection. For a split second I think to myself "Jeepers who's the chunky monkey?" And then I catch myself. No. It is me. Except Im not sick. I am normal.

I look forward to my luscious eyebrows & eyelashes returning. You have made me appreciate my eyebrows. You were a wee bit cruel. You took enough of them to make me look strange but not enough so people would know that I am sick.

You have given me a gift to see the beauty in everything. Even in you. A killer.

You have not won this battle. Beating you will be one of my greatest achievements.

I know that you are still going to have an impact on my life and will always be in the back of my mind as I go for my check ups. I cant quite rid myself of the thought of you just yet.

I also know that there is a high chance that you will affect the lives of my nearest and dearest in the future. You are already doing so and for that I am not grateful. This wont be our last encounter.
But this is the last time you will affect my body. My mind. My soul.

So this is where I say goodbye.

Goodbye Cancer. Dont let the door hit you on the arse on the way out. Or do. I dont care.

Yours sincerely,

A cancer survivor.

A.x

Video Update #2

A quick or not so quick update on my last couple of days! 

Most of you will have already heard but....here you go!

A.x

                                 

{ Follow me } - Through the lens of Rachael Brown.

I am so grateful for all the people I have in my life.

The old and the new.

Rachael. She is a local Photographer here in Nelson and is quickly becoming a good friend of mine.

Rachel is compassionate. She is kind. She is beautiful.

She offered to capture my last chemo treatment for me and my Family.

To some it would seem like a strange thing to do but for me it was something I had always wanted to do.

I just needed the right person to capture it.  

Rachael was that person.

Capturing the day. The honest, raw emotions. As we are. Its just what she does.

And she does it well.

I have to say that this has become the norm for me and my family. I understand for some squeamish people that it may be hard to look at. 

Theres nothing horrible. Just a needle or two. And a few tears.

There is also smiles and laughter. Plenty of smiles. 

But you have been warned.

I welcome you in and ask you to follow me through a routine that is normality for so many people.

Rachael - You are such a star. My family and I thank you for gifting us with these Photos.

A.x