{ 2012 }

Oh we have walked a long road to get to where we are today.

You have been quite a year.

Thanks Two Oh Twelve for being an insightful one.

I feel almost a little greedy.. with the amount of life experience and knowledge I know hold close to my heart.

Its the year Cam & I created children.

Its the year I was stripped bare. Down to nothing.

Its the year I got used to the idea of Death and Dying.

Its the year where I shared my darkest thoughts with strangers.

Its the year I learnt that my gut instinct is almost always right.

Its the year I learnt to really laugh.

Its the year that made me reevaluate my entire way of thinking.

A year spent smiling just as much as crying.

A year where I lost people dear to my heart.

A year that taught me to live.

I will never ever take anything for granted. Ever again.

I will be in control and aware of my own health and well being.

I will do all that I can to reach my full health potential.

Because. There is no way (as good of a lesson as its been) that I want to go through this again.

For my family to go through this again.

I am blessed to be sitting here today. Typing this. At the other end. Out the other side.

I hold onto the second chance tightly with both hands.

This time last year. I was preparing myself for something that I could not even begin to comprehend.

I dont know what is next. I dont know what 2013 has in store for us.

And that makes me smile.

At least I am starting this year a lot healthier than the last.

Its a good start.

To everyone that has followed me through this year. Thank you.

You have all been so kind and in your own little ways, taught me so much.

To my family. And by family I dont just mean my own. I mean Cam's Family too.

You have each played such a massive role in my recovery this last year and I will be forever grateful.

Enjoy the company you keep as you ring in the New Year. Where ever you are in this big world of ours.

Happy New Year & Lots of Love from me and mine, to you and yours.

A.x

{ Maddie & Jackson }

Being a Sibling.

Nothing quite beats it.

As I photographed Maddie and Jackson - I couldn't help but smile.

Smiling. Because Maddie reminded me so much of myself.

Her mannerisms as she handled her baby brother. The looks. The kisses.

Its super special.

Being an older sister.

Some of my strongest and greatest memories are of my brothers first few days.

The awe. Of something so small.

That has been in Mummy's tummy for a long time.

Jackson.

Like his big Sister. Is just perfect.

10 little toes. 10 little fingers. and a mighty fine grin. 

Maddie.

May the novelty of being a big sister never wear thin. 

He is your brother. and he is scrumptious.

Something so special.

A.x

{ This day. A year ago. }

This day. A year ago.

The bombshell dropped.

relief. Hanging up the phone.

Breathing in and out.

Ok. I have Cancer.

All I felt was relief.

"The Anticipation is killing me."

Its true. I can see how that could happen.

After a few weeks of tests and just general waiting - I had a direction.

A year on. What can one say?

Not a lot. No words.

Just feelings. Lots of feelings.

I looked back through my old diary.

It tells me where I was and what I was doing when. A good refresher. Its been a hazy year.

Amongst the fertility letters and blood test appointments there was a piece of paper.

A piece of paper I scribbled a goal on not long after the "affirmative.you have cancer" phone call.

All the previous goals didn't matter anymore.

I didn't want success. I didn't want money. I didn't want a holiday. ( Ok. Maybe a holiday )

I wanted to survive. Thats all I wanted.

That feeling. Of knowing that from that day on, I was never going to be the same person again.

I wont forget.

I survived. The odds were in my favor. This is true.

But.

Mentally. Physically & Emotionally. I survived.

What a difference a day makes. 24 little hours.

What a different a year makes. 365 huge days.

Nowadays I look healthy. You wouldn't know what has happened this last year by looking at me.

Just the way I like it.

In fact. A lady asked me where I got my haircut the other day.

Totally threw me. and I stammered over the words that so almost came out of my mouth.

"Oh well I had Cancer." ah. Awkward.

Instead. I just said "I actually shaved my head last year and this is how its grown back."

Leaving that Cancer thing that happened that time behind.

Today I will smile.

Because thats all theres left to do.

Please. Will you smile too?

Today, the next day, the day after that and forever. I will be thankful.

For my supportive friends & family. The supportive strangers.

And my health.

What a beautiful, bitter sweet year its been.

A.x

{ Happiness is not a limited resource }

Was shown this by a lovely lady. You dont have to watch it. but it is amazing.

A tear jerker.

Although it is Cancer related - The main point is universal. 

Over all aspects of your life. 

"The decision to be positive is not one that disregards or belittles the sadness that exists. It is rather a conscious choice to focus on the good and to cultivate happiness. Happiness is not a limited resource and when we devote our energy and time to trivial matters and distress over things that are ultimately insignificant, from that point we perpetuate our own sadness and we lose sight of the things that really make us happy and rationalize our way out of doing amazing things."

{ Christopher Aiff. 21. Osteosarcoma }

Flip that mind set. Amazing things will happen. 

I promise.

A.x

{ 2192 days }

In a second they say your whole life can change.

Its true. We would know.

One thing i am thankful for, is your constant love and support.

You have never faulted.

You are a Man. A kid at heart but a real good guy.

Things havent been smooth sailing. But like we say. We wouldn't have it any other way.

6 years ago today. You coyly asked me to be your Girlfriend.

Just down the road from where we are living now.

Its funny how we have ended up so close to where we started.

In that time we have had many trials. But more so, we have created a many good memory.

Thank you for always standing beside me.

Thank you for being you.

Always.

I love you amigo.

A.x

{ Boot Camp for Breast Cancer }

Laughing. like real honest, from the heart laughter.

Sweating.

Smiling.

Boogieing.

Breast holding. ( your own )

All with a group of strangers. And all for a good cause.

That was how I spent my Sunday at the Boot Camp for Breast Cancer.

It was so so so enjoyable.

People of all ages, dressed in pink, sweating it out to raise money for the Nelson Regional Breast Cancer trust.

$13,000 raised. All staying in the region to help patients and families who are finding themselves confronted with Breast Cancer.

I would so recommend you all to get involved next year.

Its low impact. And its fun.

So much fun.

A.x

{ Check up: Check! }

So it has come and gone. My first check up.

I am happy. and slightly elated to say that I am still all good.

I will admit that these last couple of weeks leading up to this check up, I have been a little off. Cranky even.

The 'what if's' were totally buggin'.

I quite liked seeing my Onco again. Was nice to chat without the chemo talk.

My test results were great and she had a wee feel around my neck area and all is well.

Perfect may have even been said. But hey. I am not bragging.

She mentioned that she showed her husband my blog post with my scan images.

He was quite blown away by what she does. haha. He had never seen actual visual evidence of what she deals with before and she said it was quite funny seeing his response.

"Oh so you helped get rid of that? Wow."

Made me chuckle.

I had a couple of things that I wanted to discuss but I was put at ease.

One of things: my breathing when exercising. Raspy and the inability to talk while doing the hard slog was a concern.

I am however going to have a lung test just to double check everything.

Will probably just come down to the obvious fact that: Yes I have had chemo and yes it may take my body a wee bit to get back into the swing of things.

First check up outa the way. Another wee milestone. Done.

The sweet tunes of the MPeople sprung to mind as I happily walked out of the hospital. Resisting the urge to boogie my way out....

"Movin' on up. Moving on up."

A.x

{ Shave for a Cure }

Philippa.
Phil.
Sweet Chily Phily.
Flipper.

My Friend.
She is pretty kick arse.

She was my go-to person throughout treatment. She always knew what to say. Or knew when not to say anything.

Phily has been a huge part of my recovery.

Think she's amazing? Just you wait.

Phily has bravely decided to participate in Shave for a cure.

She is going to shave off her luscious locks in December. Rock the chrome dome for a good cause.

She has set her target high. But thats what you get with high achievers!

She wants to raise: $ 5,000.

What a babe.

I wanted to let everyone know. Please spread the word. and if you're feeling generous - Donate some pennies.

Heres the link to her page: http://www.shaveforacure.co.nz/view_event_profile/7929

Please take a look.

I am so proud of you Phily. You are doing such a great thing.

A.x

{ Ponytail Dreams }

I have a confession to make.

I have been dreaming of Ponytails.....My very own Ponytail.

Some dreams completely revolve around the Ponytail.

And others dont. But. I have a ponytail. Always.

Its not long. Just a cute little one. And I quite like it.

The hair is topic for conversation lately.

"Oh! I like your hair."

Thanks. I like it too.

"Can I touch it?"

Yup.

Its back. Yes.

Its straight. Yes

And yes. Its a lot lighter than it was before.

I am LOVING the different stages of hair growth. Thankfully I dont look bad with short hair....well that is what I have been told and I am happy to claim the ability to rock any hair length.

Today I had a blood test. The first in what feels like forever!

I went to the hospital to have my bloods done like I always have.

Do you know. It was nice that the nurse taking my blood didn't recognise me.

Yuuuuussssssssss! Its not my hang out anymore.

This blood test is needed for my first 3 month check up - which is happening next week.

Cancer free. For three months. Yuuuuussssssssssss!

Lets rain on the parade for just a second.

R-E-L-A-P-S-E. 

Its an icky, make your skin crawl type of word. Like moist.

Its almost classed as a swear word in my eyes.

The return of a disease or the signs and symptoms of a disease after a period of improvement.

The word plays on your mind.

You try not to even let it be a factor in life but its there. Hiding away in the back of your mind.

I have felt great. No symptoms or signs jumping out at me.

But I will admit that I have been obsessively going over myself with a fine - tooth comb. Feeling for lumps.

I dont even notice I am doing it sometimes.

and I am searching in places that aren't even where I had the tumor.

I know that this fear is normal and over time it.will.get.easier.

Its all part of finding and adapting to your new normal, that they tell you about.

Things are changing.

I am going to be making some changes to my diet. Completely cutting out some nasties.

Bad Sugars. Some say its the root of all evil.

Yeah. We aren't going to be friends anymore.

Bit of a Detox in the works. I hear its going to make me feel energised and amazing.

Exciting times.

Watch this space.

Crazy to think that next month - Twenty Third of November -  It will be a year since I was diagnosed.

What a difference a year makes.

Full circle.

Sick. Diagnosed. Treatment. Recovery. Cancer free. Kicking arse.

A.x

{ Back in the Game }

Today was refreshing.

The rain has stopped and the breeze is crisp.

And I got to Photograph a couple of beautiful ladies who I have photographed before.

I met Kathleen and wee Sophia when Sophia was about 3 months old.

She is now One and she is just adorable.

A mover and a groover.

I loved seeing them again.

And slowly. Slowly. I am getting back in the game.

It feels good.

Happy Birthday Sophia.

You are so loved.

A.x

{ Good night heart }

"I would say I’ll see you in the morning

but I know all the good will be gone

it is clear you sadly have to leave now

so I wave good bye good heart

when the night is slowly sleeping and we come to the final tune

I hold you close to me darling and I hope to see you soon"

To a special lady. 

My Inspiration. 

and I know she was for a lot of people.

Another beautiful lady taken far too soon.

Your words will stay in my heart Lovely.

A.x

Truth.

"Who you are is not truly defined until some disruption forces you to rethink your existence."

Unknown.


Yes.
A.x

Exercise???

I have almost forgotten what it is.


Exercise
verb
Definition: Do repeatedly, especially to improve
Synonyms: break, break in, condition, cultivate, develop, discipline, drill, dry run, exert, fix, foster, groom, habituate, hone, improve, inure, labor, lick into shape, limber up, loosen up, maneuver, ply, practice, prepare, pump iron, put out, put through grind, put through mill, rehearse, run through, set strain, teach, train, tune up, walk through, warm up, work, work out. 


"I am going to run 2k along the beach today" I say to myself.

Confident, I head down to the beach and start my 2k run.

2 minutes in and I am dead. Panting. My heart, lungs and brain is screaming at me to stop.

Wow. The realisation of just how much of a beating my body has had over the last year sinks in.

I decide to walk the rest of the 1st kilometer and then run the 2nd.

I do it. But. Seriously. I am just about ready to conk it.

I can just imagine the look of utter exhaustion on my face when I finished.

Despite looking worse for wear, I am totally stoked that after months and months of no exercise, I manage to complete something I have set out to do.

As a youngster I was really fit.

Judo. Volleyball. Running. Anything.

I have certainly gone down hill through the years but I am totally ready to up my game.

So I have started small.

2k along the beach. First kilometer walking. The second running. 3 x a week.

First week of completion and I am feeling good.

Normally I am one of those I-dont-want-to-exercise-because-I-dont-want-people-looking-at-me-while-I-sweat but I really dont give anymore because I have been given the hardest reality check that life can throw at you.

Sure! People who are almost out of this world with their impeccable healthy lifestyles still get Cancer BUT maintaing a healthy lifestyle is super important. There are some amazing people that are fighting their Cancer by living a healthy, stress free life. Kris Carr is a must for everyone to check out {especially you Cancer Fighters.} She is incredible.

I feel pretty amazing after just one week of getting back into exercising and I cant wait to push myself as I build up the strength to do so.

I didn't exercise during treatment. Apart from the occasional walk - That would take all of my energy. I didn't want to push my body and looking back now, I am glad I didn't.

I know what its like to feel as though your body has absolutely no juice. No get up and go. Nothing.

Feeling so good now gives me the push to keep building my strength.

I saw a good article about Exercise after treatment and there was one sentence that stood out to me.

"If you've had six months off, you need to take six months to get back into it again. You've been through your own marathon - you dont need to put another marathon on top of it!"

So start off small. I have found that the motto - "starting off small" -  applies to a lot of aspects in my life since finishing treatment. Baby steps can accomplish giant things.

Today I had a good day. I met with one of my Bride & Grooms for the upcoming Wedding season. They are meant to be my clients. We are totally on the same page and I just simply cant wait for their Wedding. I have a very exciting Wedding season this year. Getting to explore places around New Zealand that I have never been to. Also a friend of mine that I have grown up with is marrying her high school sweetheart. It puts a huge smile on face and my heart gets a little giddy when I think about the months to come.

Daylight savings commences this weekend which means Summer is just around the corner.

I sure i'm not the only one looking forward to sunny, warm nights, bbqs, the smell of sunscreen, sticky hands from the melted ice block that you didn't eat quick enough, salty skin for the sea, jandal tan lines & just general summer activities.

Life is good.
A.x

{ Calendar 2013 }

And so its done. 

I picked up my box of Calendars this morning. Such an amazing feeling to see the finished product.

I feel a little sad that its all done!

This Calendar has gotten me through a lot.

It was a distraction through the tough days and something that kept me smiling.

It has been a massive honor to meet every single person in this Calendar. 

Amazing people.

Here is a little look - Without giving too much away....

I have a few to sell but you can also purchase them from:

• Nelson Women's Centre - 44 Trafalgar Street - (03) 546 7986
• Cancer Society Nelson - 76a Waimea Road - (03) 539 3662
• Speedy Print - 75 Buxton Square

The Calendars are $20 each and all the proceeds are going to be split between Nelson Women's Centre and Cancer Society Nelson.

Two fantastic organisations!

Get your Calendars sorted for next year and support these Causes.

Cancer affects 1 in 3 New Zealanders. Pulling together and supporting one another makes all the difference!

A.x