Certificate of Participation.

With heavy eyelids and a full belly I type.

I went along to my last Chemo treatment on Wednesday. Everything was going smoothly and I was quite happy in my sedated state. As I finished the drug that takes the longest, my nurse approached to tell me that there had been a mix up and my final drug had not turned up, meaning that I had to go back in today to have the last drug. I didn't mind.

With a mixed bag of feelings I headed up to Chemo with my Mum this morning. Was there for about an hour and then I was officially done. As my machine beeped my heart ached. My nurse came over to say Goodbye for the day. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I hugged her. I know it wont be the last time I see her but I dont want to ever say goodbye to her. She brings with her sound advice, comfort and understanding. She has been my comfort blanket through out this Journey and the thought of not having that constantly hit me and I couldn't contain myself.

I know I will move on and the confort zone will slowly fade but for now I just have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and the realisation that my chemo treatment is over sinks in slowly.

I dont feel an overwhelming sense of happiness which I thought I would. I am just relieved.

I think the happiness will come when I get my results. I really cant be at ease until I have had my scan.

To my Nurse Annie - You have been a blessing though out this Journey and I will be forever grateful for all that you have done. You have listened to my worries, fears and ALL my poo related questions. You have helped save me from a disease that ultimately would have killed me. I love you.

I went in and saw Cam at work. His beautiful face smiling as I walked into his office. He presented me with this Certificate that Mum had helped him with.

It may be a little hard to read the bits at the bottom, so here is what I am being awarded for:

• Outstanding attitude even though everything got turned upside down.
• Having a chipper spirit from day one.
• Doing fortnightly beer bongs of weed killer and always going back for more.
• Practicing to be a drug trafficker.
• Looking good with no hair.
• Getting Phsyco at little kids for staring at you.
• Getting high as a kite.
• Getting loads of needle marks like a junkie.
• Being a all round warrior princess.

It made me laugh so hard and I could tell which were his points and which were Mums.....haha I also loved that it was a Certificate of Participation. Where the hell was the Gold medal...???!! I kid.
It was the perfect way to acknowledge the day and what it stood for without being over the top because I have to say I am exhausted. Mentally, Physically and most of all Emotionally. I think thats why I cant fully grasp that its done and dusted.

I am sure it will hit me at some stage. I know those near and dear are trying to come to terms with it also. Cam dropped me home to rest and gave me a kiss on the head and simply said "I am proud of you." Thats all I need to hear.

I need to say that without Cam, Mum, Dad, Kris, Annette, Jeff, Grandma and Grandad, I would not have handled everything the way I have. I have been able to take the time to overcome and grasp Cancer. My support network has had to continue working and be there to constantly pick me up when I falter. They have made sure I am constantly well fed - which I have decided is key to any Cancer fighters Journey. I love you guys. I am so very lucky to have you.

To my Beautiful Girlfriends (you girls know who you are,) you have cried and laughed your way through this with me. You ladies are special and I am simply stoked to call you mine. Heres to many many memories together. I love each of you so very much.

And to the rest of you who have followed and been there through out this journey so far. There are too many to name. You have all been an inspiration to me. You truly dont have a clue how much you have helped. Thank you - Thank you  - Thank you.

And now all there is to do is wait. And wait is what I will do.

I plan to take this time to rest and recuperate. Me time with no Cancer time interruptions. Its needed and I am going to make the most of it. Starting now. I am going to sleep.A.x


"I was becoming aware that I was experiencing my body, and the world, differently from other people. For hours I'd lie in bed either at home or in hospital and run my fingers back and forth along the wall or bedrails beside me, conversing silently with myself in the third person, rationalizing the situation, setting down the basic premises of my secret philosophy, occasionally even telling myself I was lucky, lucky to have this opportunity to know such things." ~ Lucy Grealy.