The Michelle Project.

Please take a moment to check out this website and also Facebook page. 

The Michelle Project.

Michelle was diagnosed last year with the same Cancer as me. Difference being she has stage 4 Cancer.

I had stage 2.

The aim as you will see is to raise enough money to buy her a Polaroid camera and enough film to last the duration of her treatment, so she can take a photo a day to document her journey.

I think its a wonderful and creative idea.

I would love if you could spread the word. 12 days left to raise $1,095.
It can be done.

A.x

Certificate of Participation.

With heavy eyelids and a full belly I type.

I went along to my last Chemo treatment on Wednesday. Everything was going smoothly and I was quite happy in my sedated state. As I finished the drug that takes the longest, my nurse approached to tell me that there had been a mix up and my final drug had not turned up, meaning that I had to go back in today to have the last drug. I didn't mind.

With a mixed bag of feelings I headed up to Chemo with my Mum this morning. Was there for about an hour and then I was officially done. As my machine beeped my heart ached. My nurse came over to say Goodbye for the day. I was overwhelmed with sadness as I hugged her. I know it wont be the last time I see her but I dont want to ever say goodbye to her. She brings with her sound advice, comfort and understanding. She has been my comfort blanket through out this Journey and the thought of not having that constantly hit me and I couldn't contain myself.

I know I will move on and the confort zone will slowly fade but for now I just have a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes and the realisation that my chemo treatment is over sinks in slowly.

I dont feel an overwhelming sense of happiness which I thought I would. I am just relieved.

I think the happiness will come when I get my results. I really cant be at ease until I have had my scan.

To my Nurse Annie - You have been a blessing though out this Journey and I will be forever grateful for all that you have done. You have listened to my worries, fears and ALL my poo related questions. You have helped save me from a disease that ultimately would have killed me. I love you.

I went in and saw Cam at work. His beautiful face smiling as I walked into his office. He presented me with this Certificate that Mum had helped him with.

It may be a little hard to read the bits at the bottom, so here is what I am being awarded for:

• Outstanding attitude even though everything got turned upside down.
• Having a chipper spirit from day one.
• Doing fortnightly beer bongs of weed killer and always going back for more.
• Practicing to be a drug trafficker.
• Looking good with no hair.
• Getting Phsyco at little kids for staring at you.
• Getting high as a kite.
• Getting loads of needle marks like a junkie.
• Being a all round warrior princess.

It made me laugh so hard and I could tell which were his points and which were Mums.....haha I also loved that it was a Certificate of Participation. Where the hell was the Gold medal...???!! I kid.
It was the perfect way to acknowledge the day and what it stood for without being over the top because I have to say I am exhausted. Mentally, Physically and most of all Emotionally. I think thats why I cant fully grasp that its done and dusted.

I am sure it will hit me at some stage. I know those near and dear are trying to come to terms with it also. Cam dropped me home to rest and gave me a kiss on the head and simply said "I am proud of you." Thats all I need to hear.

I need to say that without Cam, Mum, Dad, Kris, Annette, Jeff, Grandma and Grandad, I would not have handled everything the way I have. I have been able to take the time to overcome and grasp Cancer. My support network has had to continue working and be there to constantly pick me up when I falter. They have made sure I am constantly well fed - which I have decided is key to any Cancer fighters Journey. I love you guys. I am so very lucky to have you.

To my Beautiful Girlfriends (you girls know who you are,) you have cried and laughed your way through this with me. You ladies are special and I am simply stoked to call you mine. Heres to many many memories together. I love each of you so very much.

And to the rest of you who have followed and been there through out this journey so far. There are too many to name. You have all been an inspiration to me. You truly dont have a clue how much you have helped. Thank you - Thank you  - Thank you.

And now all there is to do is wait. And wait is what I will do.

I plan to take this time to rest and recuperate. Me time with no Cancer time interruptions. Its needed and I am going to make the most of it. Starting now. I am going to sleep.A.x


"I was becoming aware that I was experiencing my body, and the world, differently from other people. For hours I'd lie in bed either at home or in hospital and run my fingers back and forth along the wall or bedrails beside me, conversing silently with myself in the third person, rationalizing the situation, setting down the basic premises of my secret philosophy, occasionally even telling myself I was lucky, lucky to have this opportunity to know such things." ~ Lucy Grealy.

A battle with my own thoughts.

"Each breath was an important exchange with the world around me, each sensation 

on my skin a tender brush from a reality so beautiful and so mysterious that 

I would sometimes find myself squealing with the delight of being alive." 

- Lucy Grealy { Autobiography of a face }

Has to be said. Please understand that I am more anxious now as the end gets closer than I was when I was diagnosed.

Its an average feeling because I should be getting so excited and relieved to see the end. 

I think the next couple of months are going to be the most intense and the longest months yet. 

I am scared.

Im not afraid to admit that. 

A.x

ap - pear - ance

ap - pear - ance

 noun:       1. The way that someone or something looks. 

There are so many things about cancer that change you physically. 

Cancer Treatment. Side Effects. Scars from Surgery. Changes in Body Weight.

These aspects of Cancer affect how you feel about yourself and how people react to you. Self confidence can take a wee bit of knock....

This brings me back to highlighting how amazing and important Look good Feel better is for Woman going through Cancer. While I found the whole experience incredibly informative and helpful, I have hit a wee wall with how I feel about myself. So close to the end.....

For the past week I have experienced a little longing for the way I used to look. It has never been something I have thought of and I guess it would be something I never noticed. That was until I saw a photo of myself before I was diagnosed.

I remember being told that I would change physically. By my Nurse, survivors and at the Look Good Feel Better programme. You would think that I would notice it happening. Sure - I noticed the hair loss. Everything either falls out or thins. My eye brows for example, are something I miss. I havent lost mine but they have thinned a lot and its not something that bothered me until I noticed. You must thinking - Have you not been looking in a mirror for the last 6 months Andrea?? haha
I have.

I guess with the end looming, the longing for the end is great and the longing for a Cancer free normality and appearance is strong. 

Little vent. Moving on.

Last night was the last of The Living well programme that Cam & I have been going to. Have to say I am really quite sad that its over. I will miss going every Tuesday and catching up with everyone. Again - each one so different but each one amazing. It was such a pleasure to be a part of. I was also sad that some that were there at the beginning were no longer with us. A cruel part that comes along with it. 

Each week we had a different topic that was covered.
What is Cancer? How to talk to your GP and medical professionals. Dealing with Anxiety. Nutrition. And last night we had a real treat.
Tony Barnett may ring a bell with a few of you Nelsonians who may read this. He is the Chaplin at Nelson Hospice and an amazing person. I could seriously listen to him talk for hours. He spoke to us about ways to cope. His tips could be transferred into any situation in life. From grief to just day to day life. One of his points that really sparked something in my brain was Accept what you cant change.


Life. You cant change your journey. You can pick your attitude towards life and how you will live it but you cant physically change what is going to happen to you. While its something we all know, I know its something we all forget. I cant change that I had Cancer. I cant and I wouldn't. Sure it hasn't been easy but I cant change it so there is no point in getting upset about it. Things are going to happen in life that are going to annoy and upset you but if you harbor anger instead of accepting that you cant change it, its not going to be a pleasant time for you.
Time seemed to flutter by as he captivated and entertained us. Before we knew it, it was home time.
We exchanged details and are going to hopefully have monthly catch ups. I truly look forward to them.

The lovely ladies that organised and ran the group made us each a certificate. Each one unique, with a sentence on things that are our individual strengths. They were so lovely and each persons sentence suited them perfectly.

Cams - "IT Man. Having the strength to use your biceps and wisdom to know when to be tender."

....Haha bit of an inside joke but it made us all laugh.....

Mine - "Having the courage to live your truth. Being prepared to take on the nitty gritty. Being honest."

It was a nice wee surprise and put a smile on each of our faces. I will truly miss the Tuesday catch ups.
I have joked with friends that I may end up being one of those crazy group people. Like I go to all sorts of groups, even if the situation doesn't apply to me,  just because I enjoy meeting people......haha like the Mum on Bridesmaids. I could very well end up being like her.

To say I am looking forward to next week is a huge understatement. Bring it on. It cant come quick enough.

Accept what you cant change. Thats what I would love for you all to remember.

A.x

One.

Nothing needed to say. Except One. 

One. One. One. One. One. One. To. Go.

I have never looked forward to a Chemo Session so much before.

I am excited for the opportunities to come after all of this.

Onwards and Upwards.

A.x

The end is near.

I have said it once and I will say it a million more times.

Throughout this journey I have met so many amazing Cancer fighters. 

Chemo. Look good Feel better. Cancer group.

Each one making an impact. No matter how short the meeting, they always leave an impression.

When one of those amazing people loses their battle - It is heartbreaking.

{ Feeling deflated and out of sorts }

No chemo today. Long weekend means tomorrow is the day. 

The end is near.

A day for quiet reflection. 

Seems to be happening a lot lately.

A.x