Baby Talk & Chemotherapy....

It has been 5 days since my last blog entry and it has had almost 800 people read it....To say I have been overwhelmed would be a major understatement. Overwhelmed just does not cut it. The outpouring of support and kind words has been really emotional to receive. Emails from complete strangers saying that they admire my strength and are sending me positive vibes has been really overwhelming for me. I have struggled with knowing what to say, as there really is no words to describe how it feels to feel so loved and cared for. There is also no amount of times I can say Thank you, to make you understand how grateful I am.

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!! 

I could say it a million times and it still would never be enough! The last two days have been the hardest for me so far. No, I havent wallowed in a corner and no, I havent stayed in bed for two days straight (although it has been tempting.) I have just quietly processed all that I have been told and all that I have been talking about for last 4 weeks as it becomes a reality.
"Yeah, I will have about 6 months of Chemo" I say.....Then my mind catches up with what I have just said and it realizes that I actually have to do that....Its not just words anymore. I have felt like I am out of my body. Im sure to some that would sound crazy but for those of you who have experienced it, you will know exactly what I mean. I feel like I am sitting up in the corner of the room I am in and I am watching myself move about, continuing with daily routine.

I went for a drive with my good friend, Philippa last night and she pointed out that although I havent lost someone, I have lost a little part of myself through this experience and I am grieving. A light bulb went off and everything she was saying made sense. I am grieving. In some weird way I am.

Cam and I had our first fertility appointment yesterday and I must say it was such a huge eye opener for me. I have nothing but the utmost respect for anyone that is reading this who has been through IVF. What an incredible and emotional roller coaster. I am lucky enough to have my treatments funded and I have to admit that I feel a little bad that I am so lucky......For those that cant have children and have to pay for these treatments and then for them not to work out must be so heartbreaking....I learnt so much and I dont know what I was expecting but its so much more complicated than I could have ever imagined.

Cam has been so amazing.

Poor boy picked a dud when he picked me!! haha I kid. Having a baby is one of the biggest decisions people make in their lives.....when your ready. Cam and I have had to think about our entire future together + our children. Its not something that we have never spoken about but its definitely something that we havent gone into great detail about. "How many children would you like? What names do you like?" are pretty much as far as we have ever gotten and even then, no real decision making was needed as it was only what ifs. Call me old fashioned but I always thought that my wedding day would be what I would be deciding first, not the future of my children.

We were given two options. The first was just the egg freezing and storage which would only require me and the second was egg harvesting, with embryo freezing which would of course require both of us to give up the goods....Haha. Cam couldn't help but chuckle whenever the Doctor would say "SEMEN SAMPLE!!!" The laughing stopped however when she told us that we were required to both go for a blood test after the appointment. I didn't bat an eye lid but Cam was not overly excited. I had never realised just how much he hates getting blood tests. I thought that he would be fine aslong as he didn't watch so I would keep him distracted. How wrong was I!! The poor boy went so white and a little gray and started sweating during the blood tests and not once did he look at the needle. I felt so bad for him as I didn't realise just how bad he takes them. After a lie down, a drink of water and a cold napkin on his head, he was back to normal and off we went to treat ourselves to Ice Cream, as our first step to securing our children's future was completed.

I have to go down to Christchurch to learn how to take the drugs for the treatment. Its done through self injection and NO Cam wont be helping me haha. This will most likely be happening at the end of the week. I have to wait for my period to come and go (Sorry to all the men that are reading this) and then I can start the drugs and then from there I will go back down to Christchurch once the eggs are ready and I will have them removed. The process is not to painful when it happens but I have been told that after it can be quite painful. I am sure its nothing I cant handle. Us Women are built tough :)

Today I met with my Doctor to talk Chemo! Woo!!! I <3 my Doctor. She is so very genuine and honest. I appreciate it!! So I will have my first round of Chemo on Wednesday the Eleventh of January, Two thousand and Twelve. Before any of you go "Gosh thats ages away!!!" Really it sounds like it is but with all this fertility kerfuffle going to take about a month, its a realistic date. Also I have a Wedding that I am photographing on the 7th which I am NOT missing because it something I have been looking forward to for forever!! My Doctor has reassured me that I dont need to worry. I am not showing any signs of being really unwell. Yes I have cancer but I am not really sick. I am happy with this date and outcome so if you still feel that its ages away at least know that I am ok and I am happy. At least I know now where I am headed. The limbo has ended and I have direction. THANK GOODNESS!


Also I am super stoked - I get a wig!!! I cant wait to go hairstyle shopping. I would love any ideas (no joking please!) as to what you think I would suit etc. Im thinking of a bob or long straight hair.....Jeepers I am so excited. With all the garbage that comes with this experience there are still things that get me excited and getting a wig is one of them!!!

While this is all daunting, I am slowly coming to terms with everything and I understand that its ok to not be ok. I also know that I will be ok. I have truly felt such strength over the last few weeks from everyones support and messages.The prayers, healing vibes and just simply the words have all helped and I appreciate each and everyone of you. You inspire me. I thank you for inspiring me. There is a lot left to my life and I am excited for my future and the things I will achieve. This year in itself has been huge for me. I have set myself up with my Photography Business with nothing but positivity. It has been hard and Im not completely there yet but I have gotten to this point. It just shows that you can really do anything you put your mind to and if you want something to happen, you make it become a reality. I am living the dream.

I love what I do and I do what I love. A.x

Dropping a bomb shell...

I have agonised over people finding this out....How do I tell them??? What do I say?? etc etc....

 Yes, I have Cancer. 

I found out about two weeks ago that it was a possibility and was officially diagnosed on Wednesday the Twenty Third of November, Two thousand and Eleven.
A bit of history, for those who dont know....I have had a Thyroid problem since I was 14 years old. It was treated when I was 16 and I was fine for about two years. A lump returned in my throat, so back to the doctor I went to say that the Thyroid gland had flared up and they put me on the appropriate medicine and away I went. When Cam and I moved back to Nelson I went to my Gp here and requested to see a surgeon to get the Thyroid removed, because despite my Thyroid levels being normal, the lump would not go away and in fact it was getting bigger..

The ball got rolling and the surgeon ordered that I have an Ultra sound so he could see where the "thyroid" was placed in my neck so he could plan an appropriate procedure to remove it. I knew something was up when I had my ultra sound because the lovely nurse that was seeing me that day was visibly shocked when she saw the size of the mass and how it was placed. She tried her very best to make me comfortable and not let on that it was anything bad. Next thing you know, I am in having a CT scan. I thought it was simply another test for the surgeon to get a better understanding of the location of the "Thyroid." I thought it was a little bit strange when they told me that they were going to do a full body scan. I said that they probably didn't need to worry because the only thing they needed to check was my throat....They said "Oh we are just going to check that your bones are in line.".......What!??? Check that my bones are in line??? I wasn't going to argue and let them do what they needed to do.

 A few days passed and I was out discovering beautiful places with a Landscape designer that I was Photographing for when I received a call from my GP to say that I needed to go and in and see him straight away. I could hear in his voice that something wasn't ok. I rang my Mum to say that I was headed to the Doctor and told her if I needed her I would call.

 I got in there and he told me that there is a high chance that I have Hodgkins Lymphoma, which is a form of Cancer......That the huge lump in my throat was actually a Tumor. The first thing that raced through my head was "DELTRA GOODREM!!" I remembered her having a very public battle with this Cancer when I was in my teens. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. I rang my Mum and she came in and was told. I felt terrible for my GP. He is probably the sweetest Man you will ever meet and he didn't technically have to tell me that I have Cancer. He requested that I saw him because he didn't want a complete stranger telling me the news. That is something I will be forever grateful for.

I had two Biopsies the following weeks and the results came back as positive for Hodgkins Lymphoma.

I apologise to those who are finding this out by reading this but I feel its the easiest way for me to get the news out there. I am not good with telling people face to face..... I am ok! Its not ideal but its something that I have no doubt I will overcome. Positivity is a strong and great thing and I have plenty of it. Cam and I are in the process of sorting out the future of our Babies :) We have an appointment with the Fertility Clinic and will probably be going with the IVF option. So crazy to think we will have a baby.......Also crazy to think that when that child is eventually born, we can tell it (eventually!!) that it was conceived so many years ago....CRAZY!!! I am also meeting with my Doctor next week to find out my treatment plan and how long I will be receiving Chemo.

 I know that this is not something anyone wants to read but I need you to understand that I am ok. I have my moments but if you saw me in the street and you didn't know that I was sick, you wouldn't be able to tell. I am just carrying on as normal. In terms of my work, the Doctor has assured me that I will still be capable of Photographing. I have however emailed the Clients that have bookings with me over the next year to give them the heads up and also the opportunity to change their bookings. I have to say I have been truly overwhelmed by their responses. The kindest words from complete strangers and it has really warmed my heart.

 To those who have sent flowers, cards, baked, called, popped round and simply sent me a lovely text.....Thank you from the bottom of my heart. You dont understand how much it means to me having you all surrounding me. How can I not get better with the great friends and family that I have!!!!???? I am going to kick the bastard so hard up the back side, it wont dare return!!!! I will be documenting my journey through this blog and through photographs, so just a heads up if its too heavy for you, you probably dont want to read this blog anymore. Thank you for taking the time to read this... I wish I was telling you all that I won lotto or something but maybe one day?? :) Eat healthy, exercise and be happy! Take care and have a lovely day. I know I will :) A.x