10 lessons. 10 years on.

 

I am so very aware of how lucky I am that my life is divided into two very distinctive categories. 

Life before cancer and life after cancer. 

Lucky because I can say that I have life after cancer. A reality so many hope and wish for. 

The person that I was before my diagnosis is very different to the person I am now.  

So many heartbreaking, important and necessary life lessons were gifted to me as the sentence "we believe you have cancer" left my Doctors lips ten years ago. And for each of those lessons, I am extremely grateful. 

I was moved to write again as I approached my 10 year diagnosis anniversary. Suddenly so many emotions I hadn't felt for a long time bubbled to the surface and my mind was trying to make sense of it all. Those of you who were there for the blogs during treatment know that writing was very therapeutic for me. A way to process each little part of my reality at that time. So when I felt the big emotions again after so long, I knew I had to get it out. 

10 years. It feels like it has flown by. But at the same time, the fear I experienced in the first few months/years post-treatment is still fresh in my being. Every ache, niggle, lump, bump. I play a constant fun game of "Is this a symptom of cancer coming back or is this just my life now?" 

I am happy to report that I had my final checkup today with my amazing oncologist Kate and I have made it. I have bloody made it. Shoutout to Kate for being the honest, kind, genuine and empathetic Oncologist my whānau and I needed. We are so grateful to have had you with us on this "journey" and I am really going to miss my yearly catch-ups. 

So how do I feel!? 

Stoked. Elated. Sad. Overwhelmed. Grateful. Reflective. Loved. Scared. Emotional.

A real two-dollar mixture of emotions really. I liken it to all the emotions I felt when I was told that there was no longer any active cancer cells in my body and I was free to get on with my life. 

Leaving the comfort blanket that is my yearly checkups does frighten me. But it's just one of the many, many layers that come with having had cancer. And again. I reiterate how lucky I am to be able to say I am at this point. 

I thought I would write a list of 10 things cancer taught me. For an ugly piece of shit, cancer has provided many beautiful little moments and golden nuggets that I will carry for the rest of my life. 

So here you go. What cancer taught me:

1) The definition of happiness. Constantly wanting more, comparing your life to others and always striving for the next 'thing' won't often compare to what you already have right in front of you. 

2) Whatever is taken from you on the outside, can never change who you are on the inside. Like others who receive chemo treatment, I was stripped of my outer appearance and it bothered me so much initially. I felt lost and a stranger in my own body. All I had at that time were my values. These values got me through chemo, finding what my new normal was following treatment and navigating life from then on. 

3) Mindset is everything. No one is invincible. But with the right mindset and attitude, you can get bloody close. How you choose to show up in the world and deal with the hand of cards you're dealt that day can greatly impact your outcomes. Now don't get me wrong. I forget this all the time and I don't show up with the right mindset at times. But this is one of the most important lessons I was taught. I actually have my Mum to thank for this one. Shortly after being diagnosed, I got my Dr to ring my Mum because...duh! Mums always know what to do and my Mum did not disappoint. She turned up. Took the news like a complete rockstar and held me as I cried so damn hard. Terrified, I vocalised that at that moment I was scared that I was going to die. I know that this would've been one of the hardest parenting moments for my Mum. At that moment she told me that we are going to choose to believe that everything is going to be ok. "You're not going to die, Andrea" (she was right. Mums are always right. The odds were in my favour. I just didn't know it yet.) A switch went in my brain at that moment and that was it. From that day on, my whānau and I wore our positive mindset as an armour and we showed up ready to tackle anything. Thanks Mum x

4) We are all going to die. And that is ok. Before I was diagnosed I couldn't think about dying. I couldn't comprehend that one day, myself and the people I love will take their last breath and then be gone. Nothing can ever prepare you for the amount of death you experience when you go through cancer treatment and it's the most messed up part of the "journey".  It's going to happen to us all one day. No point in wasting time fearing it. Get out there, buy your tennis racket (100 points if you understand that reference) and make the most of the time you have. 

5) Vulnerability is a strength. Not a weakness. How often do we try to hide our vulnerability? It's a feeling we don't enjoy. It can make us feel weak, raw and a little all over the place. But there is so much strength to be gained through dropping the act and allowing others to see your vulnerability. It helps build resilience and it is so damn courageous. Initially, my whānau, husband and I spent the first few weeks following my diagnosis trying to protect each other from our individual vulnerability. I didn't want to overwhelm them with all of the emotions I was experiencing and they didn't want to dump their honest, raw emotions on the girl with cancer. All of our emotions were valid and justified. We soon realised that there are beautiful moments of growth to be had when you let people see your authentic, vulnerable self. And it helped us connect deeply and collectively help one another. We were unstoppable. The best team. There was nothing that could get us. Even cancer. We showed that son of a gun where to go!

6) Don't forget where you were. You can't go through a life-threatening illness without it having a positive impact on the rest of your life. Cancer made me take a broom to my life. I cleared out a lot of clutter I used to think was important. I realised what I value and the boundaries I need in my life. I learned what genuine relationships look like and that I only want those types of relationships in my life. I discovered that my body is so amazing. It was depleted and pushed to its limits by chemotherapy. But it carried me every day. And it bounced back. With a lot of love and care, it bounced back. I will never let myself lose sight of where I once was and that I am living the life I only hoped for once the nightmare was over.

7) Strength. I'm not afraid to say it. I am strong. I didn't know I was strong. Not before cancer. That beautiful bastard. It showed me that deep, deep down inside of all of us, there is a strength we never knew we had. When you have no other option but to be strong, you will always find a little more left inside. 

8) There’s always something to be grateful for. Seriously. No matter how bad things seem, you can always find something good about your life. One of my favourite memories from around the time I was receiving treatment was attending a support group for "Couples living with Cancer". Sounds like a hoot doesn't it!? Well, it bloody was. Every week we would get together to have a good old moan about the reality we were facing. Mainly we moaned about not being able to do number twos. Truth. Chemo massively impacts your toilet habits. We cried, we talked, we hugged, we sat in silence. The thing we did the most though was laugh. No matter how crappy everyone was feeling, there was always something to laugh about and we were able to find things to be grateful for. It kept us going. 

9) The importance of compassion and empathy. You never know what someone is going through. A little compassion and empathy can go a long way. 

10) And more than anything else…cancer taught me that life is not a given. Every single day, whether it is a good or bad day, it is far better than no day at all. Feeling sorry for myself literally gets me nowhere (I will still through the occasional pity party though) and every day is an opportunity to do something good. 

There you have it. Ten things that my experience with cancer has left behind. I hope something resonated with you. 

I do want to take a moment to acknowledge people who were there through it all. You all know who you are. Whether we're still in touch or not. You played a part in getting me here. And I am so grateful. Thank you.

And now that is it. Ten years. I have written about every little part of my experience with cancer. Diagnosis. Feelings. IVF. Embryos and eggs. Chemotherapy. Chemo brain. Chemo burn. Blood tests. PET scans. Remission. Finding the new normal. Fear of relapse. Anniversaries and milestones. 

This milestone seems the right time to sign off and leave it all behind. 

Thank you for joining me for the ride. It was bumpy and it was hard. But shit. It was beautiful. 

A.x

Dear 2017.

Hello friends,

This time of year is something else. I bloody love it! The hustle and bustle of Christmas dwindles and the summer relaxation begins. I am always inspired to reflect on the year that was, recharge and refocus on what I want to achieve in the new coming year.

It would seem that this year has had change in the air. I began studying towards becoming a primary teacher, my brother moved to Australia and most recently, I got my hair cut off that I had been growing for our wedding which was over a year ago.  

At the end of each year, I sit and write a list of intentions for the coming year. I love the word intentions. It fills me with purpose. The lists are never long. A doable amount. And I only ever put things that are going to nourish me in some way. 

My intentions for 2017:

• Spend less more time online. Like many of us, I am so addicted to the internet and I recognise that I am losing touch with real, honest moments in life. Take a vacation of all technology at least four times during the year.
• Read more. I want to read a book a month. Doable. Considering I have a stack of half-finished books....I'm half way there. 
• Communicate. Old school. Pick up the phone and talk and put pen to paper and put down some thoughts to the ones I love. 
• Walk/move the body more. Since beginning my studies I am finding myself way too sedentary for my liking. 
• Visit my brother and his lady in Australia. Because I miss them and spending time with them genuinely fills me with so much joy. 
• Complete my family diary project. I will talk about this at more length at some stage. 
• Learn about my family heritage. 
• Get up earlier. This is the hardest I think. I LOVE lying in but also LOVE it when I do rise early and achieve so much more. 
• Go to Japan. A few years ago, Cam and I made a vision board and the only thing we are yet to achieve on the board is to go to Japan. We would love to make this happen if possible with study and work etc. 

And the biggest one of all: 

• Successfully complete the second year of my teaching degree with fewer anxiety issues. I have been a perfectionist since as long as I can remember and this year has tested my control freak/perfectionist tendencies to the absolute limit.

I have never been one to suffer from anxiety until a certain diagnosis that we no longer speak of and during that time I learnt just how far I could push myself until my body would literally stop me in my tracks (enter a good dose or two of Lorazepam.) This year I learnt how far I could push myself mentally before my brain would literally have a wee shit fit. 

One moment in particular that made me realise how hard I am on myself mentally. During a rather busy portion of the year where there was a number of assignments due at once. Realistically, when I think back I was totally on top of everything and I was going to get all of the work done easily. Cam organised a date night which consisted of dinner and a movie because in his words "You haven't stopped and had a break in days" (have I mentioned how much I love this guy?) So off to dinner we went and then into the movie theatre we sat. As the lights dimmed and the trailers began to play (which is really my favourite part) I noticed my heart rate rising as this niggly voice in my head was harping on about all of the work I still was yet to complete. The heart rate rise was quickly joined by hot sweats which had me squirming in my seat. The heart rate rise and hot sweats were joined by an increase in sharp, short, shallow breaths which had me sitting up right a little more in my seat. The heart rate rise, hot sweats and sharp, short, shallow breaths were joined by this sensation of claustrophobia and suffocation which had me sharply bolting up out of my seat and announce to Cam "I NEED to get out of here. I don't feel good." I have never experienced anything like it before and after some focused breathing, guided by Cam the heart rate came back down to normal, the body temperature came down to a level which allowed me to put back on the clothes that I had stripped off and thrown all over the floor. It was in this moment that I realised that I needed to get a grip of my mental state and the amount of pressure I was putting myself under.

Anxiety is something we all experience in some way, at some point in our lives. We are all guilty of being our worst critics. And this year I aim to take the little voice in my head by the balls and be kinder to myself. My intention list will aid me in the process. And that is perfect.

So.

Dear 2017,

Let's try and do better than 2016. 

2016 had us all feeling all the feels. And mostly they were pretty crappy feels. 

More love. Less hate. 

May you have more compassion for all human beings no matter their skin colour, sexuality or religion.

And show us how to be kinder to ourselves and one another. 

Be good to us. 

And seriously. Enough about Kimye. Even a self confessed reality tv junkie has had enough. 

Thanks,

A.x

{ DIY } Peppy peppermint body scrub.

Hello friends.

'Tis the season! How we've crept into December so quickly, I have no idea. As I get older, I find myself dreading the old Christmas shopping....Angsting over what to buy my nearest and dearest, not wanting to just buy for the sake of buying. Over the years, our family has adopted new present buying rules with a secret Santa type vibe and a limit of what we're to spend. This has worked out really well and we leave Christmas day with happy hearts, full bellies and a present we are very grateful for (and there are no awkward oh-thanks-for-this-gift-that-I-am-totally-never-going-to-use-ever moments.)

The part I get stuck on is the gifts for my girlfriends. We all have our homes set up, own style and generally we have everything we need. So what does one give to say "Hey! I really like you and enjoy having you in my life"? We all have that board on Pinterest FULL of DIY's that we are totally never going to get around to and this is where I turn every year when I am stuck for something that I can make easily and know that it's actually going to be used. 

This year I decided to have a go at making a body scrub. I love a bit of relaxation. A long shower  or bath (where Adele is my bestie and we wash the troubles of the day away.) I always love a good exfoliant, keeping the skin fresh and smooth. Coming into summer the legs are looking a little worse for wear if I'm honest. A little bit lacking in life and what better way to get them summer ready than a delicious, relaxing body scrub!? Yeah, I know. I am a total genius.

I thought I would share what I have managed to create - Only because it worked and I am quite chuffed about it. 

The superstars of the scrub that I've created are: 

• 1/2 cup of Epsom salts
• 1/2 cup of brown sugar
• 10 drops of essential oil - I used a peppermint, rosemary, lemon and Cyprus blend
• 1 tablespoon of coconut oil
• Dried flowers - I used rose and tulsi leaf
• A small jar - I picked mine up from good old Kmart for like $2. Bloody love Kmart.

First things first, pop your coconut oil on a low heat to melt. Set aside once melted. Grab a measuring cup and measure out your Epsom salt and sugar. Once measured out, grab yourself a bowl or container and mix them together. 

Get your gorgeous dried flower goodies, pop about four generous pinches into your bowl and gently combine into scrub mixture. I love the colour and lovely touch that the dried rose and Tulsi made, that I may have gone a little overboard....I figured you can never have too much dried flower goodness, right!?

This next step will light your nose senses on fire! Pop 10 drops of your essential oil of choice into the scrub mixture and mix together. Again, I am very generous so maybe start with fewer drops and work up to a scent level that you're happy with. I really wanted the peppermint to jump out and slap ya in the face when you open the jar, hence the 10 drop measurement and boy oh boy does that peppermint get ya! Once the oil is combined, grab your melted coconut and pour into the mixture. Combine well.

You have now successfully created your very own delicious body scrub! Well done! If you're anything like me, you'll do a little victory dance, proudly announce to your husband that you're bloody awesome and check that he already knew the fact. It's time to transfer your creation into a container/jar. I think an air tight jar will be best. Scoop your scrub mixture into your container of choice and pop the lid on. 

Slap a bit of ribbon or twine around it and you'll be away laughing. I'm going to get my amazing husband (who is my very own resident graphic designer...I know! How lucky am I?!) to whip up a lovely wee label to go on my jar and will add a little bit of twine and a gorgeous, organic tea bag as a final touch. 

So there you have it! I hope this provides you with some inspiration and positive reinforcement that you can totally create your own amazing gifts for your nearest and dearest. Ditch buying crap they'll never use and take the time to create something you know that they will love! Any of my girlfriends reading this.....Yup. You can almost count on receiving one of these. Could you humour me and act really surprised and stoked when you are given one? Ta. 

Until next time friends, don't let the Christmas hype consume you and enjoy the gorgeous summer days ahead. I am personally looking forward to beach days and heading away for a few nights with the husband in our little car which he has very cleverly fitted a mattress in the boot! Adventures await and I cannot wait.

Bye for now,
A.x

PS: Thank you to Cam for snapping away while I made the scrub. You're just so great x

Oh hi!

Ahem......Excuse me while I blow the dust off the old girl and place down some words after so long.

The reason for the sudden spring back into the blog?

It's time for an update. 

I am always touched when I get messages from people who have followed my blog. Checking in to see how things are going. 

I have to admit that an abrupt lack of activity on a blog that was written by a 20 something-year-old sharing her cancer diagnosis would be a tad alarming. Soz. 

Last time I shared my thoughts about life it was 2013....I was 23, photographing, working hard to heal my body and mind and about to be engaged.

Now I am 26, married to my baby daddy (FYI - the babies are still in the fertility freezer and will be for a few more years yet) and nearing the end of my first year of a primary teaching degree.... 

Boom. Life. 

Married. 

The day I married Cam is hands down the best day of my life. 

I still pinch myself and wish we could relive it over and over again.

I wish I had the words to express how great it felt to walk down the aisle to marry Cam.

The day was such a giant high five to life, our relationship and all of those people who have guided and supported us along the way.

I was able to make it through (just) a speech at the reception where I was finally able to express my gratitude to the amazing human that is my husband in front of all of our favourite people.

If you're a little nosy, you can check out our amazing wedding photos here. I look at them almost every day. Taken by our favourite Rachael Brown whose photos have graced this blog many times before. She has been our resident photographer through many significant parts of our lives and is an absolute gem. Seriously.

Married life is ace. Not much has changed for us. We still feel like the 16-year-olds who have just started dating (but we certainly don't look it....)

He still makes me laugh every day and makes me feel like the only thing that matters in his world.

Mr and Mrs Moore are living happily ever after. 

~

Humans crave certainty. That what we are doing in our lives means something. That we are doing exactly what we should be doing.  

There seems to be a common theme amongst my peers.

It's called a mid-20's crisis. It consists of lots of different phases.

The what-the-hell-am-i-doing-with-my-life-I'm-like-an-adult-now phase. 

The I-want-to-do-something-with-my-life-that-is-totally-amazing-but-don't-believe-in-myself phase.

The all-my-friends-have-good-jobs-are-getting-engaged-married-having-babies-and-Im-over-here-trying-to-get-my-life-together phase. 

The wait-I'm-25-how-the-hell-did-that-happen-can't-just-be-16-again-with-no-responsibilities-and-be-at-house-parties-every-weekend phase.

The I'm-getting-far-too-old-way-too-quickly phase.

The I-need-to-start-looking-after-myself-the-old-metabolism-ain't-what-it-used-to-be phase.

Am I right? Yup. 

I myself went through a multitude of phases. 

It was a very confusing time, that I thankfully shared with basically everyone around me. 

Getting to the point I'm at now has taken a lot of personal work and reflection.

I feel that between my 24th and 25th year, I grew up. 

A sense of self-worth came over me. 

One day I was like "Mate. Drop the fear. That shit ain't good for you. The universe has your back." 

Why was I not doing what I had always thought about doing? It seemed ridiculous when I thought about it.

Anyone who has followed my blogs may remember the tennis racket story?

Well, I finally got my bloody tennis racket. 

Took me a while.

My tennis racket came in the form of pursuing a career in primary teaching. 

I filled in the application form, I wrote a cover letter about myself (yuck), went through the interview and exam process and got accepted (yay but do they actually turn anyone away?)

And I am loving the challenge. 

Dropping the fear. We all have fear and self-doubt.

Seriously. Drop it. Drop it like its hot mate (When the pimp's in the crib ma drop it like it's hot.)

You will feel liberated. 

It was a huge little milestone for me. I felt like I was finally ready for the responsibility of being a teacher.

And I can truly say that once I dropped my fears and got over myself, I am the happiest I have ever been.

Because let's be honest.

There will be a mid 30's crisis.

There will be a mid 40's crisis.

There will definitely be a mid-life crisis.

And then you're like 60. And you'll go on cruises and stuff and life will be great!

Do you. Strive for what makes you feel happy.

~

I feel there's nothing else crazy important to catch you up on.

Oh and the cancer thing? 

I'm still all good.

Medically at this point, I have graduated to yearly check ups. Which I'm more than ok with.

Little freak outs about relapse do rear their ugly heads very occasionally but I tell them to get lost.

That portion of my life that defined this blog for a while is long over.

That chapter will always remain a part of this little community. Because I know that it is still helping people.

And I think that it is really important for people to see that a cancer diagnosis doesn't necessarily mean the end. It's what I needed when I was diagnosed.

But now, going forward, I want to shake the remains of it off.

Thank you to those who followed along. It was nice to have you along for the ride.

It's time to close that door now.

- closes the door, locks it and throws away the key -

Where will the blog go now?

Good question.

And I have no bloody idea.

But let's roll with it?

Ok cool.

Remember. Drop the fear. 

You won't regret it.

And for the first time.

I'll sign off as Mrs Moore.

x

Alice & Daryl - Married.

Autumn light and a pack full of beautiful people.

Alice and Daryl were married at Melrose House.

Alice walked down the isle to the Etta James classic - At last.

Pims on the lawn after the Ceremony. Soaking up those Golden Rays.

Perfection.

A.x