Enjoy the little things.

Today while leaving a job out at the Glen, I came to an intersection. I could either go left or I could go right. Right would take me back to Nelson and home. Left would take me to space. 

Time out. Reflection. Peace.

I picked left.

I parked my car. Grabbed my Camera. And started walking.

Then tears started falling. After a week that brought some un wanted news about people near and dear to me, who are finding them selves fighting the battle against Cancer. 

I needed to let it out. Quietly and alone. 

Sometimes the positivity runs low and I get angry about Cancer. Sometimes I want to scream. Frustrated at statistics. How has Cancer found a way to take over people lives?

"Scientists estimate that by year 2020 1 in 2 people will have Cancer."........

What about 10 or 20 years from then?? I hate to think.

While I am hopeful for a cure, the statistics scare me. Please dont be reckless with your life. Its all you have and in a second - everything can change.

As I stumbled across the rocks back to my car, I lost my footing and fell. Saving camera in the process. Its my own fault. Always wearing Inappropriate Footwear is my middle name. Anyway my heinous pinky toe poked itself out the side of my flats. I pissed myself. It looked ridiculous. 

I had stopped and reflected on things that were building up. It was now time to let them go and enjoy the little things. Like my toes that resemble yams. 

"Enjoy the little things."

Have a lovely long weekend everyone. Be happy. Be content. A.x

Foggy Memories.

Chemo Brain.

I know, I know - I have mentioned this often but its really no laughing matter.

For years people didn't believe in "Chemo Brain" or "Brain fog" that patients expressed they were experiencing. It is so real.

Its Frustrating. Its upsetting.

While its something that I laugh off, it is something that really bothers me and at times makes me quite upset. I cannot describe how I feel inside, except by saying that I feel that I have lost a part of myself. Holding a conversation takes a lot more work and I am so used to having something on the tip of my tongue. You know - that feeling where you can almost visualise and taste the word you are so desperately searching for but you just cant quite find the brain power to say it. Yeah that happens a lot.

I started blogging about my Cancer Journey November of last year. 6 months ago. I have noticed such a difference in my ability to actually sit down and write a blog post. It takes so much more time. My ability to remember whats happened is one thing but then finding the words is another can of worms.

I have looked into Chemo Brain and other peoples experience's and it is so good to know that I am not the only one who feels the way I do. I read of people who had finished treatment 3+ years and were still having difficulties with their memory. I hope I get my spark back. I know that it is missing at the moment.

I just want people to know that if I forget something you have told me, stare at you blankly when you talk to me or appear vague when explaining something - I am trying. I am not disinterested. Just a little slow haha

Last week is literally a blur. I have a week of my life that I have barely any recollection of and like after a hard night boozing (whats that??), I have flash backs to certain points and am slowly piecing it back together.

Lets just say the drugs did the trick this week! I floated and even SLEPT my way through my treatment. I have had help from my Mum, Dad and Cam, who were all present and they have informed me of what went on. Like I was instructed, I took one pill the night before chemo and then the morning of when I woke up. I didn't last long after taking the pill the night before. Hit the hay maybe 45 minutes after taking it. When I woke up in the morning, I didn't feel different and thought that maybe taking another pill wouldn't work. How wrong was I.......I dont remember the drive to hospital, arriving and going up to the chemo room. Nothing. Nobody home.

When I arrived my LOVELY nurse who I do adore said to me that she was only going to try to get the needle in once and if she didn't manage to get it, she had the ultrasound people on standby and I would have had a Picc line inserted under ultra sound. Google it. If I had been normal, drug free Andrea, I would have freaked the beep out. But no. I did not have a problem with this at all and floated to the toilets to heat up my arms. As I waltzed to the toilet, my nurse said to Mum "I can see we are going to have to make decisions for Andrea today." Haha she could tell that I was out of it. Needle in first go. BOOM! I still squeezed my Mums hand and still made funny faces as the needle went it but I didn't feel anxious like I had previously been. I did try some breathing techniques also that I learnt at the Cancer group that we go to and I definitely feel that it helped.

One thing I do remember is these beautiful pink fluffy blankets that had been kindly donated to the Oncology department by the Nelson Regional Breast Cancer Trust. I want to take the opportunity to thank them. They are so beautiful and snuggly. I eyed them up when we arrived apparently and it wasn't long before I had one wrapped around me. Snug as a bug. So soothing and comfortable. I loved it. Memory blank. Memory comes back and I have a bowl of Ice Cream. How did I get a bowl of ice cream I ask myself. When I asked Cam he said "You asked for it!" I cringe a little on the inside. The other cancer fighters probably thought who is this madam who swans in here looking larger than life, gets a fluffy pink blanket, gets a popsicle and now has a bowl of ice cream!!!?? I hope I was polite when I asked for ice cream. Who knows. I dont trust myself when I am in that state. Especially when I hear from my Dad and Cam that I got a little moody nearing the end of my treatment......

^^ Look at my slim neck!!! Woo hoo!

It was over before I knew it. I dont remember leaving. I do remember being in the car with Cam and saying "Lets go to a cafe and have something to eat and drink." I am never up for anything after chemo so this was a bonus....not that I remember much. I have banned myself from Instagram, Facebook and emailing the day of chemo and a few days following. I logged onto Facebook and saw that I had made a status update while in my 'Sedated" state about how laughter is so important or something along those lines and while I agree with my sedated self, I fear that I may reveal some secrets or something for all to see. I dont have secrets really but you get where I am coming from. The fact that I dont remember making that status update does scare me a little. I could have said anything. Thanks for the likes and comments though. Nice to know you all agree that laughter is important. I felt that I interacted with my fellow Cancer Fighters last week. Maybe it was the new found confidence I had in my sedated state. Like after you have a few wines. Anyway I did laugh a lot. And to any Cancer fighter who may read this, make sure you do laugh often. If you dont for a while, you forget how to. Laugh and laugh often. I standby this statement.

2 more to go.

Since my diagnosis in November I have been overwhelmed by the generosity of my friends and family who have given me flowers, baking, cards, gifts etc and recently I received some generous donations of money from some dear, beautiful friends who wanted to contribute in some way to my 'cancer journey' - although it initially felt uncomfortable to take money from anyone - I have decided to put the money towards a holiday for Cam and I once my treatment is over. I just cant say enough how everyones kindness has totally overwhelmed me, thank you all so much - I feel very blessed to have such amazing friends and family.

I want to just take a moment to acknowledge the death of the beautiful Weekes Triplets. They were wonderful blessings taken far too soon. I truly feel for the Family and Friends. My love, thoughts and healing vibes are going straight to them at this tough time.

A.x

Keeping balance.

"Life is like

riding a bicycle.

To keep your 

BALANCE,

You must keep

MOVING. "

~ Albert Einstein ~

Cam & I cope with things by keeping momentum. We like to do things that make us happy. Those things keep us going. Keeping momentum - Like riding a Bicycle.

Cam - I will happily ride my Bicycle along side you for the rest of my life.

Last weekend, Cam and I had our photos taken by an amazingly, talented lady by the name of Lucy Stewart. She is just lovely and has a cute accent. She splits her time between NZ and the UK. We frolicked amongst the grapevines at Milcrest Estate, in Hope.

I received the discs today from Lucy and absolutely adore the photos that she captured. How handsome is Cam! You can check out Lucy's amazing work here and also check her out on Facebook. Dont forget to "like" the page if you like what you see.

I thought I would share a few of me and my amazing man.

A.x

First world problems??

First proper trip to the toilet after chemo.

Always the worst....

2 more treatments to go.

Think I will cry the day I poo normally.

A.x

He's a Keeper.

Hello Lovely People.

Be prepared for an overwhelming need to hurl as I gush and express my love for my Cam, my Family and his Family. Cam is my man. He truly makes me a better person. He picks me up when I am at my lowest. Reminds me every time I complain about having another treatment, that its making me better. Is a constant source of laughter for me. I love him. I am the first to admit that I am no fun to be around at the moment but he tries his very best to make the most of the good days and brightens the bad.
Hes a good man. A keeper some would say. I would have to agree.

My Family and Cams Family have been equally amazing. I probably dont thank you guys enough but know that I will be forever grateful for how you have all handled this wee hurdle. You are absolute superstars and I love you. 

Enough with the lovin'.

Countdown: 3 treatments to go. Awesome. The sooner its zero the better.

As I finish another treatment, the thought of being done and Cancer free overwhelms me. I think being told that I am Cancer free will be as emotional as when I was told that I have Cancer in the first place. How do you go back to normal?! My life has been less than normal ever since the day I was diagnosed. I had an appointment with my Oncologist last week before Chemo and we spoke about the scan following my last treatment. Next appointment we will be booking the scan....EEEPPPPP!! I have to wait 4 weeks following my final round of chemo for the scan. It will be like counting down the days till your birthday!!! I cant wait......A $2 mixture of emotions when I think about it all.

A wee update on the whole "Dawson" situation. I want to clear something up - John Dawson that works at Equilibrium in Nelson is NOT the Mr Dawson I was talking about. The James/Michael Dawson I was talking about lives in either Mot or Mapua and is not a registered Chiropractor in New Zealand.
Cam finished the work that Mr Dawson was wanting and Mr Dawson called Speedy print and Cam took the opportunity to tell him how he felt. Cam was so professional throughout this whole situation. While many (including myself) would loose their cool, Cam was so level headed. He said to Mr Dawson that he would no longer be doing any work for him and that what he said to Cam was not ok to say to anyone. Mr Dawson was shocked and actually said to Cam "What did I say to you Cam??" Ah.........it shocks me even more that he didn't even remember saying it to Cam. Anyway Cam got to say his piece. End of that wee Saga.

Cam and I attended a group for People living with Cancer last week. It was pretty incredible. Constantly I am overwhelmed by how amazing people are when they are faced with living and beating Cancer. There was about 14 of us there. All different situations but have all experienced the different wraths that come with Cancer. It really does highlight my frustration at people who constantly complain about their days/lives when they really have nothing to complain about....
There was an older lady in particular who was absolutely adorable. We had to go round and say a little bit about ourselves and our different situations. She lost her husband to Cancer and has beaten Cancer herself once before. She said "I was recently diagnosed with bone cancer and theres nothing they can do about it I dont think.".......My heart broke. Not just because she is having to do deal with this but with how matter of fact she was about the whole thing and how she continued to smile despite her diagnosis.  She smiled from the moment she arrived. I have said it once and I will say it again, next time you go to complain about your day, take a moment to think about those who are fighting for their lives and still manage to have a smile on their face. Puts things into perspective a bit. I found the whole thing to be an amazing experience and I actually found myself getting quite emotional when it came time to have my say. I was surprised at how easy it was to open up to complete strangers. It really wasn't Cams cup of tea. Really what guy likes to sit and talk about their feelings!!?? He did so well though and it meant a lot that he did it for me.  Its run by the Cancer Society and each week we have a different speaker. I cant wait for this weeks meeting and getting to know everyone a little more. I definitely recommend to anyone who has Cancer to locate a group for people with Cancer. I know that talking about Cancer is probably the last thing you feel like doing but it really helps. Knowing you aren't crazy with how you feel about certain things and even knowing that your not the only one thats struggling to take a poo is  great haha. Enough with the poo talk?? Ok!!. If anyone reading this is in Nelson and thinks that they could benefit from going, get in touch with Linda at the Cancer Society.

I had Cam by my side for last weeks treatment. Go Fished our way through it. Like I said before, I met with my oncologist and mentioned to her that the nurses thought it would be a good idea to try some pills to chill me out before chemo to see if it would help when it came to needle time. I took a pill when I got to my chemo treatment and we waited a little. It didn't work this time round because it hadn't had enough time to get to its full potential. It took three goes to get the needle in.....My Lovely Nurse said "You cant keep going through this Andrea." Damn straight. I am over it. I seriously thought it would get easier. It really doesn't. I truly try to calm myself down but just cant seem to do it. So the plan is to have one pill the night before chemo and then the morning of. Have to say that when the pills kick in, they kick in. As my chemo treatment ended, I felt so out of it. Like I was watching everything going on around me but I didn't feel like I was there......Do I sound like a nut case!!!??? It was the strangest feeling. I remember when the Nurse first told me about the pills. She said "we have had people tell us all our secrets when they have the pill." I can see how this would happen!! I went home and went to bed. Was asleep for about 10-15 mins tops and woke up in a fright not knowing where I was and thinking that I had slept all night. Not a fan of being out of to be honest. Will never be a drug taker - thats for sure haha. So heres hoping that two pills make all the difference.

I have met so many Cancer fighters & beaters throughout my journey and I have to say that I take my hat of to you all for how you handle things. Especially those who manage to work full time throughout their treatment.....I just dont know how you do it. There is no way that I could do it. When I am not feeling sick from treatment, I feel like my brain isn't my own. Honestly, I feel like I have lost some serious brain power throughout this treatment. Lets hope it comes back. For reals, I drive myself crazy with how "slow" I am.

Its getting colder. The sunlight hours are shorter which is depressing in itself! Have to say, I do suffer from a bit of cabin fever the days following treatment. I am a religious follower of a gazillion blogs, which do inspire me and full me of goodness. If any of you reading this have any blog gems that you would like to share, please comment below. I am always up for something new and may even do a blog on blogs.....! Would love to hear your favs, so feel free to leave me a comment.

To those who have commented (especially you anonymous critters) I want to thank you. I do wish that I knew who you were but totally respect you lovely anonymous people not wanting to reveal yourself. Just know that I really appreciate it.

Righto - Drawing another blogpost to a close. Take care of one another. Show a little love.
Until next time,

A.x

A Mothers Memory.

A word from my Mum.

"As I drove along Rocks Road that day, rushing to meet Andrea at the Medical Centre after her tearful phone call asking me to come - I looked out to sea and thought to myself - today, our lives are going to change forever…

Not for one minute had I previously thought Andrea would have cancer, she had been having regular blood tests for years due to her Graves Disease and surely it would have shown up somewhere? 

But as I sat there listening to the GP with my arm around my fragile little girl I felt the same cold/numb feeling seep through my body that I had felt all those years ago when I was told the same bad news, that no-one wants to hear.

We clung to each other at the back of the medical centre, hugging and crying, trying to make sense of it all. Andrea said 
“I don’t want to die Mum” …

I told her as bravely as I could that she wasn’t going to die and said 
“You will cope with it the same way I did huney - you stare that cancer in the eye and tell it to FUCK OFF!”

The rest of that day and the next week were a blur … having to get Cam home from work to tell him, telling Karl, Kris, Grandma and Grandad … it was all so surreal and hard for us and Cam’s family to come to terms with. I was so glad to have Daryl in my life to comfort and look after me, Bless him but it was Kris who was ‘my rock’ that first week. He kept hugging me and telling me it was all going to be o.k. - I couldn’t have got through those early days without you boy.

Then the fun really began … our emotions were hastily packed into a bag and the cancer ‘journey’ was underway careering down a path where none of us knew where the final destination would be. 
(but this time I was watching my daughter go through it, the same as my mum had done with me.)

Doctors, Oncologists, Scans, Blood tests, Biopsies, IVF injections, Egg harvesting - and that was all before Andrea could even start chemo. It seemed to take forever, but with Cam at her side she took it all in her stride - the little ‘warrior princess’ that she is. 

Once word got out about Andrea’s illness it was truly a wonderful experience for us all to feel completely engulfed in love, friendship and support from SO many people. As our family friend Larry Rhodes put it “we are just circling the wagon and making sure you are all o.k” and that is exactly how it felt. Family, friends, work mates, judo mates, theatre buddies, old school friends, it felt like every single person who had played a part in our lives was sending their love, positive thoughts, or were praying for us - and believe me we felt it !! Thank you all from the bottom of our hearts, every txt, email, card, gift, phone call, bunch of flowers, hug, smile has helped us get through Andrea’s journey so far.

Im so proud of Andrea and Cam, they have had do deal with so much over the last couple of years, first 
the chch earthquakes, then this - a lot of couples would have struggled under the pressure, and Im sure there have been times when they have been ‘wobbly’ and ‘weary of it all’ - but to their credit they are blasting their way through any obstacle that comes their way and will come out the other side of it all stronger than ever.

Love you both heaps, and Andrea (alias: Basil, alias: Flossie) you keep walking straight down the middle of that ‘cancer path’ head held high and with the positive attitude you have I look forward to sharing with you the celebratory champagne when you too are cancer free!

Love you

Mum xo"




Take today to simply thank your Mum for all that she does. I hope all the Mummies reading this have a lovely day.
I love you Mummy.
A.x

Take a moment.

If you do one thing tonight - Have a look at this.

It will break your heart 

and it will be hard to look at.

but 

It's the first thing I have seen that gives a 

proper visual insight into how
Cancer
is for some people.

This Woman is an inspiration. 

Also - A Facebook page.

A.x