Getting snazzy with a video update....

Read the article here.
AND
another one.

Love, A.x

"Tomorrow will be kinder."

"Black clouds are behind me
I can now see ahead
Often I wonder why I try
Hoping for an end
Sorrow weighs my shoulders down
And trouble haunts my mind
But I know the present will not last
And tomorrow will be kinder


Tomorrow will be kinder
It's true, I have seen it before
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder
Today I've cried a many tear


And pain is in my heart
Around me lies a somber scene
I don't know where to start 
But I feel a warmth on my skin
The stars have all aligned
The wind has blown but now I know
That tomorrow will be kinder


Tomorrow will be kinder
I know I have seen it before
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder
A brighter day is coming my way
Yes, tomorrow will be kinder"

The Secret Sisters.



Remember - Its ok to not be ok.
Everything will be ok.
A.x

Compliments & little Treasures.

Yesterday I rocked the completely bald look for the first time. The night before last I asked Cam to shave my "Chemo Fluff." He was more than happy to do to a wet shave and even took the opportunity to shave a lightning bolt into my hair haha it's not there now but it was a laugh. Anyway I was a little bit apprehensive about going out in public completely bald. I have confidence and while I dont always like the way I look, I feel happy with the the way I look most of the time. I have just experienced the stares, the awkward glances and smiles - and that was when I had at least a little bit of hair on my head!!! So i was a little unsure as to how things would go but I was ready for the stares. It sounds so ridiculous that I would even care what people think but its always in the back of my mind. I was meeting Cam for lunch. Hes fantastic and when ever we see people stare he always says something along the lines of "It's ok Basil (his nickname for me.) They are just admiring your beauty." Such a charmer he is and it always makes me feel better. Lunch went off without a hitch and I only received a few awkward smiles.

I had to go get some bloods done before chemo, which is happening on Thursday this week because of the Public holiday on Wednesday. As I was leaving the hospital a lovely lady on crutches was coming towards me and she smiled at me and said "Oh!! You are just beautiful." I awkwardly smiled and said thanks and scuttled away quickly with my head down. Really I wanted throw my arms around her and give her a big hug but instead I just walked away. It made all my little insecurities disappear, made my heart grow x10 and left the biggest smile on my face. This got me thinking, why do we not compliment each other more often? By each other, I mean stranger to stranger. Your parents, friends and partner may compliment you all the time, as you do to them and that is amazing but why dont we make more of an effort with people that we dont know. I thought about it and I came back to how I felt initially when the lady complimented me. I felt awkward, as I didn't know what to say back. She was beautiful too and I wish I had said that!!! I found a quote that pretty much sums it up for me and I am sure for some of you too.

"I can take criticisms but not compliments."

James Taylor

We need to learn how to embrace compliments and feel good instantly, rather than awkward. Us kiwis are too tough and need to soften up from time to time and tell people they look good. I challenge you to compliment one stranger this week. Maybe you like their bag, dress, shirt or maybe you just really like their face!! Tell them!! If you cant quite make the leap and compliment a stranger, compliment a friend. Doesn't even have to be to their face. You could text or send an email. Just let someone know something that you like about them. If we each received and gave a compliment each week, the world would be a better place. Do it and let the warm fuzzies flow!!

Has been an interesting week following chemo. My forgetful mind has gotten worse and I truly feel at times that my brain isn't mine and is in fact a 90 year old woman's!! I can be mid sentence and forget what I am talking about. I have forgotten my own family members names. Its just crazy!! The old attention span hasn't been great either. I set myself a goal for the day and the hours just fly by and I am left feeling frustrated as I havent achieved half of what I wanted too. On saturday morning I had another funny turn. Leading up to Saturday I had waves of nausea and sweats. Felt very lightheaded and had to take a moment to sit down to get my body together. I woke up on Saturday and lay awake for a while. I needed to go to the loo, so I got up to go. I got to the door and put my hand around the door frame to open it. Before I could pull it open I fainted forward and my head hit the door shut with my fingers still wrapped around the door frame. Seriously what kind of a situation is that!!! As I slumped against the door, it woke Cam up (THANK GOODNESS) and he said "Basil are you ok?" By this stage I was awake again and had stood up right. I turned to say that I had fainted and before I could I fainted again!! Luckily Cam was awake because he caught me before I smacked my head on his bed side cabinet. It gave him quite a fright poor guy. It completely took me by surprise because I didn't feel light headed, nauseas or hot. I felt completely normal.SO back to bed it was for me!! I literally stayed in bed all day and rested. I gave my nurse a call on Monday to let her know what had happend. She thinks that I may have had a drop in blood pressure. I had bloods done today to check everything. We will see!!!

I have been meaning to do this next segment of the post for a while. I have finally got round to doing it. I wanted to share with you all my little treasures that help with feeling good throughout chemo. Some have been things that have been passed down to me by others who have gone through the same thing and other things are what I have found works for myself. I thought it would be worth while doing incase anyone knows of someone who is going through Chemo and these things may help them in some way!

Ok so numero uno! I have found my skin gets extremely dry and distressed - No matter how much water I drink! I was extremely spoilt by some lovely friends in Wellington who sent me down an Evolu package. It was full of goodies, each of which I have used! The products are amazing and I definitely recommend the products to anyone who is going through chemo or anyone for that matter who has dry skin. Check out their website here.

2: Ok so I have expressed my lack of bowel movements in the previous blogs. Its a horrible side effect that comes with chemo and I seriously CANT WAIT to poo properly. I have found that Benefiber has worked a treat. Its a powder and I put two teaspoons into water each morning. It is delicious also! This definitely helps keep things going down there. For a while there Kiwi Crush did the trick but unfortunately for me it stopped working. I would still definitely recommend it to people to try. If things get really desperate for you, you can get these tablets from the chemist called Coloxyl which work really well too! Any of these options are great, I have just found the Benefiber and Coloxyl work best for me.

3. Hydration is SO important. Especially when having chemo. I found even though I was drinking lots, I never felt hydrated. A lady said to Mum that I should try Shotz - Electrolyte Tablets. They help hydrate you. I have found the lemon taste a little icky but really if it does the trick, Im not going to complain.

4: Another Evolu product. Along with my skin, my lips get really dry. The Evolu lip treatment is amazing!!!

I forgot to photograph the product that I have found has REALLY helped with the mouth ulcers I get following chemo. My partners Mum found this product and it is amazing. Instant relief and while it hurts like a mother when you apply it, the ulcers clear up within a day. Enough at least so you can eat without discomfort. The product is Weleda - Calendula Essence. I strongly recommend all of the products I have mentioned above. Im not gonna lie, Chemo is shit....but these products help with the little niggles and pains you experience following each treatment.

A few other things that I want to mention are:

• Paint your nails. Like everything else, Your nails show the strain your body is under and keeping them painted helps disguise this. Personally it makes me feel good. Do it yourself but definitely treat yourself from time to time with a manicure!! Its the little things that make the difference :)
• Like I have mentioned before, I find my eating habits really irregular. I have found eating when ever I feel hungry, no matter what time of the day it is, is the best way to get some food in my system. I have found that a handful of nuts and dried apricots to be the best thing and help me feel full for longer. Also a lot of fruit. I crave salty, fatty foods and while it is ok to have these foods every so often, its important to not slip into the habit of eating them all the time because its fast and convenient. Try to be as healthy as possible. It really goes without saying that you will feel better for it. 
• Water, water, water!! Drink lots of it. If your like me, water gets a little old. I have found the iced tea made by Teza to be a yummy alternative. You can find them in most supermarkets in the chilled drinks section and I think they are around $2 something per drink. So refreshing and is such a tasty change to water! I have also found that drinking lemonade during treatment, helps with the disgusting taste you get from the drugs. It helps soften the taste anyway. Lemonade always makes you feel better!! I am also lucky that the Nurses give me lemonade ice blocks while I have chemo to help with my mouth discomfort. A nice wee treat and one I am grateful for.

I hope that I have helped at least one person with my wee treasures and tricks. Please pass them on to anybody that may need a little advise with the different side effects. You really dont know whats going to work for you until you try it.

Chemo tomorrow. Another one down! Another step closer to being able to say "I am a Cancer Survivor." Oh yes, it will feel so good to say that. I simply cant wait. I hope you have all taken at least a little bit of time to remember our brave ANZAC Soldiers. Lest we forget. Special mention to my Late Poppa who fixed and flew planes during the war. He has been on my mind today.  A.x

Half way happiness.

It has been ages since I wrote a blog!! So much has happened. At least thats how it feels.

I have had two chemo treatments since my last blog. I want to start by saying that last week I felt the best I have felt in a really long time. If it wasn't for the fact that I have chemo hair, I would have almost forgot that I have Cancer. I had a clear head which is something that I never have. My memory is not any better haha but I didn't feel cloudy.

The treatment before yesterdays marked the half way mark for me and my treatments. It feels incredible to be able to say that I am half way. I have sat through 6 treatments and while the thought of Chemo makes me wanna hurl, I know that the next 6 treatments will fly by. I can not express my excitement for the scan following my final round of chemo. Like I think about it and want to cry a little.

Firstly I was a little nervous for this treatment. It would be my first treatment since the article in the paper. I always thought that my fellow cancer fighters and the nurses would be a toughest critics. I felt a little ridiculous when I saw how massive the article was. Anyway, my lovely doctor came up and said that she thought the article was great and she also saw my blog and thought that it was good. About half way through my treatment, a lady who was sitting just down from me got up and walked towards me. She said "Thank you. It was so great to see your face on the front page and nice to have someone speak for us." I was quite overwhelmed and actually got a little choked up. I said "Thank you" and she said "No! Thank you!!" I was relieved and it was nice to hear what people who are going through what I am going through thought of it all. It was a nice wee moment.

I was even more difficult when it came time for Needle insertion. The nurse went to put in the needle and she said that my "fight-or-flight" response was insane and if I were to be faced with a Lion, I would most likely get away without a bite in the backside. Basically, I get a rush of adrenalin and my veins disappear.  So the vein she was putting the needle into suddenly wasn't there and we weren't 100% sure as to if it was in properly. She decided to leave it in and do a flush to see how it went. The area around the needle bruised instantly and was pretty clear that it wasn't right. Right at that point, My beautiful friend Sophie popped in for a visit. I hadn't seen her properly for a while and her hair had grown quite a bit since the shave. She seriously can rock any look! We had a little chat and then the nurse came over to say that she needed to put another needle in. I dont know what came over me but I had a wee break down. It was the first time I have cried at a chemo treatment. It was a mixture of things. It hurts, I work myself up and also a part of me had had enough. Now when I look back to my earlier rounds and I watched people cry as they start their treatments, I can totally relate and understand why there were upset.
After a few tears, I got myself back together and reminded myself that I was half way. I had come this far and just needed to pull myself together for the other half.
The treatment felt like it went really quickly and I was out of there in no time. Dad dropped my Brother and I at my Mums place and he looked after me for the rest of the day.

I have the best little brother out. For real.

My white blood cell count was low again which meant the nurse needed to come round the next day and give me an injection to help boost the count. She came at around 2:00 and I was still in my Pajama's haha. I always justify a PJ day the day following chemo.

I was contacted by WINZ following the article in the paper. After a bit of phone tag, trying to get hold of one another, we finally managed to sit down and talk about how I felt WINZ had let me down. It was really good to help them better understand how I felt and really appreciated the phone call and also the apology. I dealt with a man by the name of Alan Ching and he was really helpful and organised an appointment for me at the Nelson branch. I want to take the chance to say a big thank you for getting in touch with me.

This now meant that Cam and I had to sit down and fill out the forms etc and gather together our whole life story. Once we had everything, I felt ready for the appointment and was actually a little excited to get it all sorted. I rocked on up and had the loveliest lady helping me. Unfortunately this is where my positive thoughts finish. I am not eligible for any financial assistance. I cant get the sickness benefit. I want to make it clear that this rant is not about any person that works for WINZ because they are just doing there job, which is not an easy one. This rant is about our screwed up system. Why is it that the people that actually try in their lives, go off to study, gain diplomes and degrees are the ones that cant get the help when they need it?? Please someone enlighten me as to how this is ok. Basically because Cam and I are in a relationship, his income is taken into consideration and he earns to much. Basically you have to earn under just above $500 BEFORE TAX a week to be eligible for some help. If you earn over that, you cant get any help. I just dont see how this is a realistic amount for anyone working full time.
The lady who was helping me truly tried all the options but they all came back to not being worthwhile. I was entitled to $30.00 invalid benefit and about $7.00 accommodation assistance but once again because I am in a Relationship, Cam would technically be receiving a benefit which would means his tax code would change and we would loose that amount and then some from his pay, so it really wasn't worthwhile. I felt gutted when I left my appointment. No fault of anyone who was working there!!! It just really opened my eyes to the welfare system and also just reiterated the importance of insurance!! Every single person that reads this, PLEASE, I want you to seriously consider sorting your insurance out if you havent already!!! Its so crazy to think that a week before I found out that I had Cancer, I was in the process of working through getting my insurance sorted. I truly regret not sorting it earlier.
I have made the decision that I can no longer work for the duration of my treatment. I just felt as though I am drowning in the workload and really dont want to let people down. At the end of the day the work that I am producing has my name attached to it and I dont want anything going out there thats not my absolute best. So after being told that I cant get any financial assistance, I felt terrible. It is just so unfair on Cam to be expected to support us both and I wasn't expecting hundreds and hundreds of dollars but just something so I feel that I am helping out as much as I can. SO many people said to Cam and I after the appointment that I should have gone in there saying I was single. To me thats just ridiculous. I am not a dishonest person and why should we have to lie to get the help that really every single person should be entitled to?? Rant over. Needless to say, I was not impressed but yet I am truly grateful for the kind service that I experienced for my second trip to WINZ. My Mum also made a really good point which did make me feel better and that was that Cam and I received all of our IVF funded and not every person gets that opportunity. This did calm me down and reminded me to be grateful for all that I have been given help with. It still doesn't change my feelings to the messed up system. It is BS.

ANWAY nothing we can do except accept and move on :) Speaking of IVF, Cam and I had an appointment with my IVF doctor to follow up after harvesting. It was really good to see her and I left there a little stunned with the things she said. It was nothing serious. It was just things that I hadn't really thought about. When a girl/lady has chemotherapy, there is a high chance that the treatment will kill all the eggs and any possibility of being able to have children. I knew this. What I didn't realise was that even though once you finish chemo and things seem normal and it would seem that you will be able to have children, there is a chance that you will in fact go through menopause early which would mean NO chance of having children yourself. It was something that we ever thought about and basically she said that once Chemo is finished and a few months have passed, it is really important that I make an appointment to have my bits checked out so they can sort of determine what they think could happen and we could get an idea of our baby making timeline haha. GAH it is so crazy to think about!! SO basically, we may need to have children earlier than we had thought but also we could be fine. We really wont know until its all done. I have had one period throughout my Chemo treatments which I am accepting as a positive sign. I have a good feeling that everything will be fine.

I had chemo yesterday and I managed to sleep all last night and am out of bed! Granted I am still in my Pijamas and I have made it as far as the couch haha but that is beside the point!! I feel good for being able to sleep. I talked to my nurse a while back about ways to help with not being able to sleep. Basically the afternoon following treatment I avoid computer screens and I actually try to not sleep too much following treatment. I have a long hot shower before bed and then last night I lit some yummy smelling candles and drifted off to sleep. Perfect! I woke up feeling rather nauseous but am starting to feel better. Yesterday went well. I know I ALWAYS talk about it but the needle thing is not getting any easier....My nurse is going to talk to my doctor about giving me some pills to take the morning of chemo that will sorta mellow me out and hopefully will help with how anxious I get. It took two goes (seems to be the way it goes) to get the needle in. Mum, Dad and Kris were there. Kris had me in absolute fits of laughter! He is rather good at impersonations so I was rambling off names and he would impersonate them. Hilarious. So basically I laughed my way through yesterdays treatment and now I can count how many treatments I have left on one hand. How flippen cool is that!!!!!!!!!!!!!

One thing I have been busting to say but have been too afraid that it may be a little TMI, is that I cant wait to be able to take a crap normally!! Honestly I am one who has no problem admitting that I enjoy a good poop but unfortunately my bowel movements have not been normal since I started chemo. It either feels like I am crapping a prickle bush or it burns like a mother. I am taking pills and plugging myself with fibre but its just something that goes along with the awesome experience that is chemo...I have truly been unsure as to weather I can say anything about it, in fear that it will be crossing the line but I have decided that I know that people who are going through the same thing as me will read this and will get a chuckle out of it because they know exactly what I am talking about. Me telling my family that I managed to poo has become the norm in conversation, much to my brothers disgust. Its just such an achievement!! YAY I DID A POO!!!

Hopefully you are still with me and aren't to disgusted in the last paragraph haha

I have a lot of things to look forward to and while I wont be working, I have a few things in the pipeline that will be keeping me busy. I am doing stills for a movie that is being made here in Nelson. We had our first night of filming on Tuesday and it was so wicked. Its a short film called "ANZACs in the Trenches 1917' and is being made by Dramatix. It is so exciting and I cant wait to see the final product. We have so many talented and amazing people helping and it is going to be amazing. Also I am working along side the Woman's Refuge and the Cancer Society to make a calendar. I am doing the Photography and will be getting the opportunity to Photograph people who have been affected by Cancer in different ways. All very exciting and I am glad I have things that will keep me busy :)

This weekend is going to be lovely. Cam and I are headed to Christchurch for a Wedding and I cant wait to catch up with our CHCH friends. I always love going back. How beautiful was Easter weekend!!!?? Man the weather was stunning. I have my last Wedding of the Season and it was fantastic. Such a lovely way to end the season.

I hope everyone had a lovely long weekend and hopefully this week hasn't been much of a drag!! Reminding you all that you are great people and I love you all. My blog has had over 10,000 views. WOWEE!!! I am so glad that I decided to blog my experiences. It has been more than I ever thought it would be and I am so grateful for all the people the have met throughout it all.

A photo free blog post. Just all the things that have happened in the last few weeks. I have a different kind of blog post up my sleeve that will be done once Cam and I get back from CHCH.
Take care of one another. Have a great weekend.
A.x