I sat to write this blog and instead sat in silence.

A mixture of bad concentration due to Chemo Brain and also not knowing where to start, I really found it hard getting this blog done!!


You will often hear me say that throughout the garbage that comes with Cancer, there are always little rays of light. I would like to share one of those rays of light. Im not one for singling people out because I have so many amazing people in my life that are constant sources of inspiration for me but I have to share this with you all.

Meet Ashleigh.

I love that I can honestly say that Ashleigh is one of my first friends. I met her when my Family moved to Waitomo when I was 5 and I started school. We would catch the bus every day together to and from

school and really were best friends. Its one of those friendships that you know that you were brought together for a reason and no matter the amount of time you go without seeing each other, it will be like you have never been apart when you do see each other. The Rhodes and Seymour family are friends from way back. Ashleigh and her family live in Australia now and last Thursday I think it was, Ashleigh and her Dad decided that they would enter the Leukemia Foundation Big Shave event that was happening on the Saturday. She spread the word, tweeted celebs and managed to raise over $2000 - with still more donations coming. She has said she will get rid of the eye brows if people keep donating and raise $5000!!!!
Another stunner with a chrome dome!! I literally balled when I watched the video of this happening.

Im bragging a little....I really have support coming from all over the world. 

 The Big Shave.

Her AWESOME support crew. 

(I so wish I was there.)

Beautiful.

After a Wet shave. Completely hair free. Move over Demi Moore and Sinead O'connor...

I have said it and I will say it again; I truly have amazing Friends and Family. I want and NEED you all to understand how much your actions, words and love mean to me. You all say I am brave and an inspiration but you are all exactly the same to me. 

YOU are Brave and Inspirational.

The exposure my blog and I have received over the last week has been SO much to take in. I got a text on Friday morning from my partners Mum that simply said "Front Page." I FREAKED a little (quite a lot actually) and made my brother run down and get a paper. I basically held my breath until he returned. When he handed me the paper I was flabbergasted. I looked to my Mum and said "OMG" and quickly skimmed through the article. Getting to the bottom to see continued on page two, I turned to my Mum again and said "OMG." Let me tell you, I was not expecting this front page business. I was expecting a little photo and article on Page 7 next to this weeks Warehouse specials.!!!!! Honest truth.

I was very touched that they thought me worthy of front page and also touched by the messages I have received from people since they have seen the article and blog.
Since I posted the blog where I informed you that I have Cancer, my blog has had 8884 page views.......... Every time I open my blog to write another I sit for like 2 minutes staring at that number.
I almost felt a bit of pressure when I sat down to write this blog, knowing that so many people read my blog and are even more are aware of it now since it being in the paper.

I came across my own little blog from a Cancer SURVIVOR, who had the same Cancer as me and who went through the same treatment as I am. He has since been Cancer free for 6 years. I read through all his posts and seriously....it was so good to read that what I was feeling was ok to feel. I cried, laughed and found myself nodding my head as I related to his words.

I feel like this whole C-word situation got the better of me last week - Something I know I should expect and accept but something I hate to admit. The days following last treatment, I was in a pit. A really dark pit and I didn't want to get out of it. I just wanted to sit in the pit for a while.


Chemo for me is always on a Wednesday. Hump day.

The day before Chemo I have got myself back to normal. I have no side effects and you wouldn't be able to tell that I am receiving chemo. Funny that. Just in time for the next round. I keep myself busy but catch myself out every so often with a sinking feeling in my guts when I remember that I have Chemo the next day. I say my positive affirmations every time I feel this dread and it disappears.....until the next wave of realisation. I have never wanted to sound like I am complaining because I am more than aware that people are going through far worse than me but I have realised lately that it is ok to admit that you aren't ok with certain things. I am not ok with Chemo and yet I know that its doing what I need it to do for me to get better. Its a constant love/hate relationship battle.

The Day before Chemo I always make sure that I drink and eat lots because the days following, its the last thing I feel like doing. I have this constant battle with food. Ask anyone that knows me well (or even not so well) and they will tell you that I can demolish a decent sized meal.....I love food/eating. Since starting treatment I have been lucky that I havent physically thrown up. I do feel nauseous but I havent vomited ever. I find that I feel starving and I crave certain things. I will get what ever I'm craving and as soon as the food enters by mouth, its like a switch goes in my stomach and suddenly Im not hungry anymore and just the sight of what ever I am eating makes me feel sick. It drives me mental. Like seriously...I throw little tantrums on the inside every time it happens. So I like to make the most of the days leading up to chemo to fill myself with food in preparation for my deformed eating habits following.

I wake up the day of chemo and get out if bed. Good start!! Shower and eat some breakfast. I then pack my bag with a magazine or book. These things never get looked at because I am always to busy people watching or I have constant company but I always take something. I then heat my teddy bear wheat bag up and sit for half an hour heating up my arms. This helps prepare my veins and helps the lovely nurses with getting the needle in. I am really driven by my sense of smell. Like I can smell someone farting before they even fart. Its just always been a really switched on sense. This has proven to be a big pain in the backside since starting chemo. There are certain smells now that remind me of chemo and make me nauseous and my poor little wheat bag is one of them.....Its such a shame because its so darn cute and people always comment on it but its associated with Chemo now. Trust Cancer to ruin a cute wheat bag. I will use it again definitely but for now its taking a break and looking pretty in my room.

I get picked up by one of my parents and we head to the hospital.We arrive and I internally make the decision that todays session is going to be good. I am going to go and sit and let the drugs do their job. I LOVE seeing the Nurses and fellow Cancer fighters. Really I do. Those Nurses are really special people and I have grown really fond of them all. It takes a special kind of person to do their job and I really dont envy the job at all. As I have mentioned in previous blogs, I get terribly anxious leading up to having the needle inserted. This time round I asked if we could try my right arm because I had a lot of pain following the previous treatment. My veins in my left arm throbbed and I think they needed a break. So the Nurse looked and asked if I would try having it inserted in my hand which I replied to quickly with "yes." I totally shocked myself. My hands generally are a no go zone but I could see the benefits of having in my hand. Juicy big veins being one of them. I tense up as soon as I see the Nurse un wrap the bundle that holds the needle and alcohol swabs. My Mum always reminds me to breath because I have this bad habit of not....I dont notice it until she says "Breath Andrea." Once its in Im all good but it takes me a few minutes to completely relax. I was lucky this time. I had both my Mum & my Dad with me. I also had visits from my Grandparents and my Best Friends Mum. Had a wee group of people with me throughout out the whole thing which always makes it go faster.
Another Cancer fighter was having his last treatment and he brought cake to share with us. It was delicious.

My vein's start to burn and throb with the second to last drug. I always get a little quiet around this time.  This is also around the time where I start to smell and taste the Chemo drugs. I start to settle into the state that I will be in for a few days. I am ok but I can feel the rank feeling coming. I leave each treatment with satisfaction and a feeling of achievement. I sit and do nothing but achieve so much.
I head home and start to hibernate. I get a couple of hours sleep and then wake up. I will get little sleep for a couple of days after that. I just cant switch my brain off during the night. So I just dont sleep. I think this is one of the factors that lead to my stink attitude that I seem to have.

This time round I really got down. Im not one to bottle up how I feel. I am always quick to let someone know if I am not ok but for what ever reason, I couldn't do it this time. I cried at the drop of a hat and even muttered that I dont think that I can do another treatment.....SHAME ON ME!!! I really didn't feel ok. I think just emotionally, I had a lot going on and a lot to process. The lack of sleep didn't help either. I had a lot of lovely messages from people who could sense that I was struggling from my last blog post and you were all quick to remind me that I have to feel like crap to feel better. Thank you for the kick up the backside.....It was exactly what I needed. After a good nights sleep I woke a different person and was back to my normal self.


Before I finish reflecting on the last week, I want to update you all with everything. I met with my amazing Doctor the Monday before Chemo for a catch up. I had planned to talk to her about my reservations about having radiotherapy. I met a lovely lady at the Relay for life who had the same cancer and treatment as me at the same age. She later found out that she had breast cancer. They say that there is a high risk of having breast cancer if you have radiation. She had the treatment a few years back and was never told of the risk. Maybe at that point in time they weren't aware of the risk. Anyway she just mentioned to me that I should definitely inquire about how much of a higher the risk there would be if I were to have radiotherapy. I know there is always a risk!!! But I dont want to put myself through something that could increase it.
Before I could say anything she said that she had been in contact with the Radiation Doctors and they had decided that if I can avoid having radiation, I should. Because of where the tumor is, the area that would need to be covered by the radiation would mean a definite higher risk of breast cancer. So we are going to do the full run of Chemo and then I will have a PET scan to see how the tumor is looking and go from there. I was happy with this. Right from the beginning, I have always had reservations about radiotherapy. It could be that I dont know enough about it. I left the appointment feeling great knowing that we were on the same page.

Now I will leave you with a quote that I really fancy. Goodnight and love to you all. A.x

"You have to be brave with your life so that others can be brave with theirs."

Short and to the point.

Trying to smell the roses but all I can smell is chemo.

At this point and time I am over it.

That is all.

A.x

Hair today, gone tomorrow!!

I have almost been dreading writing this blog. Not because I dont want to but because I am afraid that I wont be able to express how incredible and emotional the last few days have been....So much love - So much Kindness - So much of a lot of emotions we dont express enough of.

At the start of last week I sent the call out to my girlfriends that it was time. I was really over seeing my hair fall out. Having a shower in the morning was something I had become to dread. I also knew with the end of my second cycle of Chemo happening on Wednesday, it was only going to get worse. So I put the word out there and little did I know the beast that I was about to unleash. A nice Beast but a Beast nonetheless! I met with them and we discussed ways and ideas to make it happen on that Friday!! I thought that I was pushing it to get enough word out there in a few days to make the fundraiser a success. We got confirmation the next day that the lovely owners of The Vic Brew bar would let us have it up in their upstairs function room! I was stoked!! Honestly, if you ever come to Nelson and want somewhere that has good food, drinks and atmosphere - The Vic is the place to go. Im not just saying it because they were so generous to us, I really mean it.  http://www.vicbrewbar.co.nz/ - Check them out if you are ever here in Sunny Nelson :)

Once I had received confirmation, I got onto the old trusty Facebook and made an event. Before we knew it, we had people donating and also people offering to shave their heads. Both Female and Male. I was so excited for it to happen and couldn't believe the generosity and bravery of people. I dont know why I found it so hard to comprehend because if it was me, I would have done the same for someone else but it was really hard to accept. Without sounding ungrateful of course!!

Wednesday rolled round and it was Chemo day. Womp Womp! The word Chemo literally makes me sick. My stomach turns, my head hurts and I get a bad taste in my mouth when ever I think of chemo. Its almost like the feeling when you eat too much food and you feel so sick, that just the thought of food makes you feel like you could evacuate your stomach. This week my Darling Partner Cameron got the day off work to join me. It would be his first Chemo experience. It was just the usual.

• Mum came to hold my hand for the needle bit before returning back to work. 
• They had to take two goes at getting the needle into my veins. 
• I didn't fancy any of the lunch options so I just had a yoghurt and a sneaky danish that I had in my bag.
• I peed a lot. 
• People watched as much as possible.
• Watched the minutes count down with each Chemo drug.

This time it felt different though. Time went slower. I felt like I was in there FOREVER!! It could have been because their were less people at my Chemo treatment. Cam kept me hydrated and entertained. My lovely friend Amanda dropped in also with some baked treats. She is so good to me! It was good to see her and to have another person to talk to as well as Cam. The highlight of that Chemo treatment was seeing a Lady who had been at every single one of my treatments, finish her last round of Chemo at the Hospital. I wanted to jump up and down for her. While she is still having to take Chemo drugs orally, she doesn't have to make trips into the hospital anymore. A little part of me was sad to know that I may not see her again and that her face will be replaced with another but I know that she will continue to fight the good fight - just in the comfort of her own home.

Once it was over it was home to rest. Thursday was spent resting in preparation for Friday. I didn't think about the fact that in a couple of days I would have a shaved head. It just wasn't something that bothered me or I got nervous about. That was until Friday.....I woke up with a mix of nervous and excited butterflies. Everything was on par for the Fundraiser that night. I had organised to meet with the Function coordinator at The Vic at 3 and asked Sophie to come with me. Mum came and checked out the room and then headed off. As she left I started to feel REALLY hot and sweaty so I started stripping of the layers that I could. Next thing you know I felt like I was going to be sick and was feeling a little light headed so I excused myself and left Sophie with Jen to plan the set up of the room. I went outside to cool off and then dashed to the bathroom thinking I was going to be sick. Nothing happened and I had cooled off a bit so I headed back upstairs. Well....I dont really remember the walk back up the stairs and came to lying on the floor. I had Fainted. Face first into wooden floors. I could hear people running round getting water and what not for me and Sophie (bless her) was trying to get me into the recovery position. I remember the noise of hitting the floor and thinking "F**K! That hurt!!" Once I had lay down for a bit and downed a few jugs of water, I started to feel normal. With a sore nose and cut eye I realised that I needed to slow down and listen to my body. I was so embarrassed and couldn't believe what had just happened. More importantly, I didn't want it to effect The Big Shave. I put it down to the fact that I had a lot on my mind, I hadn't drunk enough and I had blown up a few balloons before heading to the Vic. It sounds stupid but a simple task like blowing up Balloons takes it out of me these days... I left The Vic with Sophie,with my tail between my legs. I definitely learnt my lesson and it gave me a fright! She dropped me home and Cam came home early to sit with me. I rested for the rest of the afternoon and then got ready for The Big Shave.

There are no words to describe how awesome the night was. I will start by showing you some Photos. Taken by my amazing man Cameron.

 

Tears were shed, laughs were laughed and hugs were given. I loved every single second of it. From a Cancer Fighters perspective, everyones support and generosity was something out of this world. All the money raised is going directly back into the Nelson Cancer Society. It felt amazing knowing that it was going straight back into the community. Nelson people helping fellow Nelson people. The one feeling I wasn't expecting was the sense of relief I felt once my hair was gone. I felt alive and so much better.
Along side me for the shave were the other Woman that bravely decided to shave their heads, Sophie and Megan. I grew up with Sophie and she is one of those people that no matter where you go in life, no matter the amount of time you go without seeing each other, its like we never were apart when we do see each other. She has ALWAYS had the best hair. Anyone that knows her can say that she has always had a good mop of hair. I will never forget the first time I saw her after I got diagnosed and she blurted out that she wanted to shave her head with me. Its not something that I was expecting from my friends!! Thats one thing I have wanted and want to make clear. I NEVER expected anyone to shave their head with me. But when she said that she would it truly warmed my heart and I know its something that we will share for the rest of our lives. Megan is someone that I have known since I was younger as well and someone that I looked up to as a young kid. I met her through Family friends and it turns out she is also good friends with my partners brother. Small world! She is married and has a gorgeous wee boy. Again, when she said she wanted to shave her head, I couldn't believe it because she had a good mop of hair too!! She said its something she has always wanted to do and its something to shave off her bucket list. With these two beautiful ladies by my side, the shaving began. The cold buzzing started and before we knew it, we were done. It was extremely emotional and I struggled as I looked around the room at people staring back at me with eyes full of tears. I know that each person in the room was touched in some way by the whole thing.

Next up where the boys!!! Aren't they handsome!! Everyone for that matter looked AMAZING with no hair! THere was not one person that you looked at and thought "oh....you should have felt your head a little more before doing that!" haha but thats beside the point because at the end of the day we were all there for one reason and that was to raise money for the Relay for Life.

I really cant sum it up any better than how I put it yesterday:


"I have been on an Emotional high since Friday. The deepest and most heart felt thank you to not only all those that attended The big Shave but to those who donated. We made $1000 alone in donations on the night and had about $2000 in the account before. The donations just keep coming and it is truly incredible. To my fellow shavers - You guys are superstars and look smokin with your new do's!! 
As I walked in the Survivors lap at the Relay for Life with my Mum, Brother and partner by my side, I looked around at every single person. Each one affected by Cancer. The support and money you have all so kindly donated will not only help me but will help so many others. All the money is going directly to the Cancer Society.
YOU are all our inspirations. YOU are what keeps us going.
Those who have passed will NEVER be forgotten, those who have survived will never forget and those who are still fighting will continue to do so with dignity and strength. Such a touching few days and ones that I will never forget.
Simply - Thank you. I love you all."


I can now report that we are almost up to $4000 and the donations just keep on coming. THANK YOU! You are all incredible.

The Relay for life was the day after and it was amazing!! I am not going to go into to much detail about it because this post is long enough as it is. BUT I do want to Thank all my fellow team members for the awesome effort you put in. You all did an amazing job - especially those that had the horrible grave yard shifts. I found the Tea light service the most emotional part. Around 600+ bags lined the track with a candle inside, glowing messages of remembrance of those who have passed due to the C-Word. I am sure I am speaking for a lot of people when I say it was the most emotional part..I cried so much. It was pitch black except for the flickering candle light.  We stood in silence to remember those that we have lost. I held hands with a complete stranger for the duration of the silence and it was ok to do so. I live for those moments. 
Phily and I walked some laps and she said that how she was feeling in that moment is what it truly feels like to be alive and that is the truth! I would not have wanted to be anywhere else.
I met amazing people and caught up with so many people that I hadn't seen for ages. 
I dont want to single anyone out so I am just going to thank everyone that is in my life because you all make it amazing. You all keep me going. Thank you. A.x