Chemo { Round One }

Yesterday was a day that felt like it went in Slow Motion. I got up early, showered and got dressed and even managed to eat some breakfast! I was quite impressed with myself. I had been quietly (or maybe not so quietly) nervous for the couple of days leading up to Wednesday and it felt so strange walking into the hospital knowing that I was going in there to start Chemo.

Level 3, Day stay unit, 10:00am.

I walked into the room and there was about 11 other people in the room having chemo also. They were all older than me. I was definitely the youngest person there. A lady next to me, who was having her THIRD try at chemo said that I was too young to be there. The one time I thought "I am too young to be going through this", I thought What age is it ok to go through Cancer!!?? No one should have to and if young children, who dont even know what Cancer is can go through Chemo, then we can suck it up and deal with it. I was placed in a chair right in the middle of everyone....haha the newbie!! There was about two other people there that having the same chemo as me. 

One lady arrived with an entourage of people and made a bit of a scene.....She refused to sit in the middle of the room because she didn't want everyone looking at her.....I didn't take it personally haha 

My support nurse was away and so I had different Nurses looking after me. I sat and waited for a while. I didn't like staring too much at people but it was hard not to. You could tell some were Chemo Pros and had been in the game for a while. No body looked REALLY sick though which was a relief....I am a shocker at staring. It drives Cam up the wall haha I dont even know that I do it. It will get me into trouble one day. Im just intrigued by people and a little bit nosey... 

The nurse came over and took my hands and asked if I was warm. I almost always have cold hands, no matter what the temperature. So off to toilet I had to go to sit by the basin and warm my hands up. Once this was done and my veins were nice and puffy, it was time to have the needle inserted into my hand. I have NO problems with needles or injections until it comes time to having something inserted into my hand and if I was going to be completely honest, it was the one thing that I was most nervous about!!! Sounds a little silly. The first time the nurse tried, the vein "blew back" so it was a no go. She managed to get it into my right hand. Once this was done I relaxed. I had my Mummy there holding my hand which definitely helped :) It was go time. As the saline was flushed through my body my arm became really cold and they had a never ending supply of hottie bottles coming my way to place on top of my arm.

I have four Chemo drugs that are given to me for my treatment. The first is put through by the nurse and is a red colour and I was told to not be surprised if my urine became red. I kept expecting to feel sick or different as the drugs circulated my system but i didn't feel anything. I said to my Mum that it felt so strange to think that the drugs were in me and were starting the job of killing the Cancer cells. It felt like such an achievement. Once the red drug was put through, I had a little more saline and then the next chemo drug was administered by my nurse. This drug is the one that could make me constipated! WOO HOO!!! Again I waited for a change in the way I was feeling but nothing changed. The third and fourth drug are just dripped through me.

Each of us have a machine on wheels. I think they gave me the dud one because every time I went to the toilet (which is like every 5 seconds!) I really struggled driving it. Almost tipped it over twice. A few people made comments that I need L plates...Did make chuckle and I am tempted to take some L plates next time I go.

The third drug hurt as it entered my body. A weird stingy/throbbing pain. I did get used to it and the heat from the hottie bottles helped. So there was nothing to do but wait. The very first time I went to the toilet after the chemo started, my urine had already turned a red tinge but since then I am pleased to say it has gone back to normal. I guess all I can do is wait and see what happens. Slowly the room filled with beeping sounds as people's chemo treatments finished or they needed their next drug. I flinched every time there was a beep.....No body else even battered an eye lid.

People started to leave and new people came in and took their place. Was a little bit shocking for me as a first timer seeing how many people go through a day. I hope to become friends with some. I have already eyed up a couple of ladies who were so lovely to me that I think I will become friends with. The talk between the ladies was the 'Look Good Feel Better' Workshop that the Cancer society does for ladies that are going through chemo. We were all filling out our registration forms together and getting quite excited :) The workshop is a fun event, that is designed to boost our self esteem. The volunteers go through skin care regimes and give guidance on how to apply cosmetics. They talk about hair loss, loss of eyebrows, eye lashes, skin colour fluctuations and other side effects of some treatments. They talk about wearing wigs, turbans and scarves as well. Its basically just a wee treat for us and a good way for us to meet each other and I really cant wait for it!!

I was talking to my Nurse about Hair loss and she has said that I might not lose my hair with the dose I am receiving!! She has said that some people who are having the same treatment as me lost no hair but others hair thinned out. She said if it starts thinning, that I should just shave it. So I am going to just wait and see how things go after a couple of treatments. Every time I see a stray hair on my pillow or in the basin I have a little freak out haha and then I run my hands through my hair to see if its happening. Pretty ridiculous really. It probably wouldn't happen that quickly as I am only into day two of my cancer treatment.

My Brother Kris and his beautiful Girlfriend Hannah joined us in the Chemo room and I was so surprised to see him. He is not a fan of hospitals but it was so nice to have them there with me as my first treatment drew to a close. My machine beeped and my treatment was done. I didn't feel any different, just a little tired. About 200mls of Saline was pumped through to finish it off and then I was good to go. As my nurse pulled out the needle from my arm she said that I "had to go home and practice being a princess." She was so sweet. I went to the loo one last time and then we all headed for some ice cream.

I HAD to wear sunnies because even before leaving the hospital, I was finding that I was extremely light sensitive. I sat and ate my heart out and was so stoked that I felt so good. I went back to my Mums and between leaving town and getting to my Mums house in Stoke, I started to feel a little groggy. I lay on the couch and before I knew it, I was asleep.

I woke to a major headache and achy body and eyes. I had to get all the curtains shut because my eyes hurt so much. I just felt like drinking a heap of water and I was going to the toilet every 5 seconds. I definitely was not feeling the best. I went back to sleep and waited for Cam to pick me up. When he got to me I was at my worst. Take the flu/head cold and times it by ten and thats how I was feeling. I was actually feeling hungry though which I was surprised about. We got home and I got straight to bed. The polariods in this blog were taken when I was feeling my worst. Cam made me tea and I ate it with no problems. I stayed in bed for the rest of the evening and night. I didn't sleep very well last night, which the nurse told me to expect. I wasn't feeling rank, I just couldn't sleep.

This morning I woke feeling a little queasy but I was able to start my anti-nausea meds and I felt much better since. I spent the morning in Bed but have actually been good this afternoon. Prepared for a Photo shoot I have tomorrow and did little things around the house. I guess I now wait to see what other side effects I get. Would be stoked if that was it! I can handle what happened. I was expecting to feel so much worse.

With a bottle of water by my side at all times and Kiwi Crush in the freezer I am prepared for how I will be feeling following treatments. This is when I thank you all for your messages. Such lovely things have been said to me and I really appreciate it all. I have amazing Family and an incredible Boyfriend who I know this has been the hardest for and they are taking such good care of me. I am off to Duncan Bay in the Sounds with the Family and my good friend Stacey this weekend for a little relaxing get away which I am really looking forward to. No cell phone reception for a couple of days sounds like bliss! Kayaking and eating it is! Take care of one another and enjoy this beautiful weather we are having! Lots of love. A.x

A week to Remember.

I have an abundance of memories from the last week. Probably the most emotional and hectic week to date.

I left early Saturday (7th) morning to Picton to Catch a boat to Furneaux Lodge to Photograph a Wedding. It was awesome to be a part of and such an amazing location. The weather held off for the day but when we woke the next day there was a storm brewing!! Our boat arrived to take us back to Picton and the Boat driver said that we shouldn't really be on the water and needed to get going....! Great!! Made it safely though and Cam collected me and we headed straight to Christchurch. Felt like such a super star flinging from place to place!!

We got to Christchurch and headed round to our friend Stacey's house. She is wonderful and had organised a little fundraiser for me. We rocked on up and surprised everyone and it was so good to see all that were there. I am yet to find the words that describe what it feels like to have people give so much of themselves to help you out....Their time, generosity, love and their hair. Theres not a word that can tell you all how I grateful I am for everything that you have done for me. Its not just in terms of people at the Fundraiser but to all those that have sent emails, texts, baking, flowers and popped round just to see how I am through out everything. I will be forever grateful and hope that one day I can help out each of you as you have done for me.

These are the Gentlemen that gave up a little bit of themselves in order to raise money for me. Brendon, Daniel and Matthew.

It was such a good night and a lot of laughs!! The next day I had a blood test and an ovary ultra sound to see how my eggs were doing and if I was ready for harvesting. I was definitely ready to go!! I had walked around for the past few weeks feeling very heavy and at nights feeling rather puffy.

It was quite interesting hearing peoples reactions when I said that I was feeling uncomfortable, especially those who have had been through child birth. "You dont know what it feels like to be bloated etc" were said often and it got to the point where I felt like saying "Ok well you inject this months worth of injections and then get back to me." No way was I saying that I could relate to being pregnant but yes I was really uncomfortable and despite having had the eggs harvested, I still am! Please - any Woman that have been through IVF back me up!!!!???

The Nurses told me to take my stopper injection and booked me in for Wednesday. It all sort of hit me after that and I realised that Cam and I were soon to be parents...Not your typical parents but parents nonetheless. We went out for tea the night before and I ate a whole pizza in preparation for not being able to eat the next day :)

We arrived early and they did all the usual tests, which always start with me repeating my name, address and D.O.B. The first drug they gave me was in the form of a little pill that would make me feel like I "have had a few wines...." The nurse left me to get changed in to a sexy gown and between going to the toilet to get changed and leaving the toilet the pill had definitely worked. I was giggling and could just string a sentence together. The nurse came back and asked if I was feeling ok to which I remember responding to with simply a smile. She asked me to repeat my details once more (which was REALLY hard) and she walked me down to the operating room.

With Cam in toe, we walked into the room where our babies would be made.....haha. 

I got all set up on the bed and they explained to me how the procedure would go etc etc and then the nurse gave me the morphine. Well that was the end of any recollection I had of that day....! The last thing I remember is saying "Woah" as the Morphine circulated my system. The rest is a blur.

I came to in the recovery room propt up in a lazy boy with a blanket and Cam sitting at my feet. I didn't get knocked out by the drugs but my memory has been completely wiped. I was talking to the doctors as they collected the eggs but I couldn't tell you what we were talking about. Feeling a little dopey and quite queasy, I lay still until the nurse came in. She could see that I wasn't feeling the best and gave me a little pill to help with the sick feeling. They were extremely happy with outcome and the nurses were quite excited for me. 13 eggs were collected and that stage 7 embryos had matured and they were going to keep an eye on them over the next couple of days. We left the Fertility Clinic after a couple of hours of rest and headed home for more rest. I felt slow on it for the next couple of days but compared to how I was expecting to feel, it wasn't too bad at all. 

The next day I went and pampered myself with my friend Catherine who was getting married and her gorgeous sister Alex. We went and had a pedicure and manicure - It was so amazing! We then went to the Wedding rehearsal and the Wedding excitement kicked in!! No need for sugar, we were bouncing off the walls with excitement. We went out for dinner with the Family of the Bride and groom and the rest of the Wedding party that night. I have to admit, I probably over did it that day considering what I had done to me the day before. The only was to describe how I felt is that it felt like I REALLY needed to go number twos all the time! So strange. Cam kept reminding me that I would be really bruised etc and I needed to take it easy. 

The next day was Wedding day. When Miss Catherine Lyttle became Catherine Watson. The Wedding of Catherine and Alex was actually the most stunning day ever. It was amazing from start to finish and I adored being her Bridesmaid. 

After the week that I had I was more than ready to come home but knew that reality would hit when I did. 

On Wednesday the Eighteenth, at Ten O'clock I will be having my first round of Chemo.

Although I know that it will be ok, I am absolutely packing myself. The thing I am struggling with the most is not wanting to let clients down and feeling like Im slipping back. Im always working towards something and wanting to feel like I am reaching goals and lately I feel like I cant get anywhere while having Cancer. It feels like theres always an appointment to go to or a test to have. I kick myself when I think like that because I hate to feel like the Cancer is slowing me down. I also hate that I can admit to feeling like that.....But I guess that its all a part of of this Journey and I have to expect ups and expect downs. I just dont want to let this alter my hard work but I might just have to take a step back for a while....This year Cam and I were aiming to be making the move to Australia. There were a couple of Studios that I had eyed up to apply at. Its something we will be doing when I get the all clear. Next year. Thats the goal. I want to be overseas somewhere working in the Photography Industry. I dont care if I'm working for somebody - just to get some different experience would be amazing. Travel! Its all I want to do!! 

Without further ado, let me introduce you to our 5 wee embryo babies:

We originally had 7 but only 5 lasted the distance. An amazing results considering they have also frozen 5 of my eggs as well. We have joked over the last couple of days as we showed our friends and family this photo. We have established that the 3 on the left are children that will be like me, organised and in order and the two on the right will most definitely be like Cam. Crazy and a little bit spastic at times haha 

As I face this week, I will remember the good moments I had last week and remember all the kind and wonderful things you have all said and done for me. Also "Raindrops Keep falling on my head" is my new anthem. I especially love these lyrics: "But there's one thing I know The blues they send to meet me won't defeat me It won't be long till happiness steps up to greet me!" :) 

I will blog once I have had my first treatment and let you know how it all goes. Thank you all for being the Wonderful people you are. A.x